[ScarletPimpernel]

I know this question has been asked before, but I'm still confused...

How is loving your self different from being selfish?
How is loving your self different from having an ego/complex?
How do you go about taking care of yourself w/o offending others?

I think that part of taking care of myself is taking care of the ones I love. I don't have many people in my life, so I value the ones I do have (plus they're family...) But they're not very good at taking care of me. And their ideas of caring for me don't necessarily help me. They don't understand me.

So I'm supposed to start putting myself first. How do you do this in a balanced manner? I know the general answer is "boundaries", but I really don't understand how to do that, what that looks like, and how to cope with negative consequences. How do you have boundaries with people who don't understand boundaries?

[HazelGirl]

There's a lot of good books that go into detail. One I highly recommend is called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a Christian book, but if you skip past the references to the Bible, it has a lot of really solid general advice about boundaries, why we have them, why they're not selfish, and how to enact them.

Self compassion, is a better description.

[ScarletPimpernel]

The goal I have been given is to "love myself" and "pay attention to my needs". I kinda combined the two I guess.

Mouse: I think self compassion does fit loving self. I do know how to do self compassion (not that it's easy).

But "pay attention to my needs"? I assume that means making my needs a priority? And that's where I'm lost. Maybe I'm over complicating it?

Hazelgirl: I actually might have that book (I've bought a lot of self-help books, but never read them )

I have 12 days to practice both "love myself" and "pay attention to my needs". A book will take me too long to figure it out And I can't ask my T for clarification because she's on vacation (my T gave me this goal).

I desperately need to figure this out.

I asked my fiance. He said that it means prioritizing. Like planning out my day to only include one thing of high priority.

I think it has something to do with relationships too. She told me that I'm great at "giving attention" to other's needs, but it's time I give attention to my own.

Is that simply self compassion?

I feel like I should understand this.

That's the problem with goals, they don't really pay attention to your needs.
Self compassion comes as we work on our issues. Not to a fixed time table.

I'm dealing with the same thing, I guess. I had a discussion with my T about it. I told her I'm afraid of self-compassion. To me it seems that too much of it would be a very bad idea. She told me you can never be too compassionate to yourself. I still don't agree though. I believe there is an unhealthy way of loving yourself too... But maybe, then again, it wouldn't be called self-compassion anymore. So maybe she's right.

Anyway, to me self-compassion is about not beating yourself up for things you consider 'wrong', like when you make a mistake or you don't understand yourself. It's trying to understand where things come from, why you have certain emotions, why you have certain reactions, why things are the way they are.... without judgement.

I think, where exactly the difference with selfishness lies, is in the fact that self-compassion is about including yourself in your kindness. Like you try to take care of others, try to make them happy, try to be good to them. But too often we forget to include ourselves into this world we feel responsible for. As if we have to suffer or we have to give up things to make this happen. I actually don't believe that that's the way it works. When we don't take care of ourselves, we simply can't fully be there for others either (I believe). It doesn't mean we have to want more for ourselves, but we can at least offer ourselves the same amount of compassion as we have for other people, right?

About the offending others: I think that sometimes, in loving ourselves, we might give some people the impression that we offend them. But maybe we don't. Yes, it is all about setting boundaries and that's not always an easy thing. Neither for us, neither for the ones around us who may not be that familiar with us setting these boundaries and having to respect them. Still I believe it supports relationships to do so.

For example, when my T cancels a session cause she doesn't feel well, I know that she's taking care of herself. I've had T's being exhausted or simply not present in sessions and I still believe it hurt me way more than a T with healthy boundaries, a T who skips a session but is truly there to help me when we do have a session...

I believe self compassion is about things like that...

What really helped me is to write down experiences, including the needs I see in others and my own needs and the ranking I give to them. For example: my friend needs my help, but I need some rest and still I say 'yes' to offering her help. What score do I give to my own needs, how do I rank hers and does it actually make sense or do my needs always end up with the lowest score, no matter what??

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thanks forwardinreverse! That actually helped a ton!

I actually skimmed your post at first and read part of it wrong...but it kind gave me a direction...lol. For some reason I read that I should write out other people's needs (generally) and then see if I'm meeting similar needs in my life. That in itself helped me figure out what I'm neglecting in my own life. Example: my 92 yrs old grandma-in-law needs to feel productive. If I think about what I'm doing to feel productive, I realize I'm lacking in meeting that need.

I did re-read your post and I also really like the idea of rating my need vs some else's need in a situation. That's definitely a way to track if I'm constantly sacrificing myself.

I also finally read the letter my T wrote me (I was going to save it for next week). In it she explained that I shouldn't just be using my coping skills in a time of crisis, but everyday. That all my coping skills are there to take care of myself whether I'm feeling good or depressed.

I now have multiple directions to meet this goal. Tysm!!!

Thanks! I'm glad my post helped you! : )

And you know... I believe that whether we agree with things or not (or whether we read things wrong or not ) we can always learn something from it. That's also the reason why I like interacting on this message board so much. Hearing other opinions seems to create a lot more options when we're stuck in our own narrowed-down thinking (which I'm often very good at ).

I really hope you'll do a great job at the assignment for your T... but especially that you'll discover the importance of self-compassion. And if it doesn't work, there's still this :

http://www.productiveflourishing.com...ourself-first/