Should I go?

coolibrarian · Jul 22, 2014, 07:41 AM

My ex-partner's brother died on Sunday. I had a 4 year relationship with said partner, which turned out to be 3.5 years too long. I won't go into the details, but it ended badly, especially as far as his other relatives were concerned. However, I always kind of liked the brother. This was about 17 years ago. Ex-partner and I have mutual friends, and have seen each other at various events, speaking cordially to each other.
My T does not think I should go to the calling hours. She sees no reason for it and implied (without speaking, just by her facial expression) that it would be hurtful to me. My wife thinks I should go, because it's "the right thing to do." She would come with me, so I wouldn't have to do it alone. I don't want to see some of the relatives, but I know this isn't about me. I am so torn. What do you think? Thanks in advance.

HazelGirl · Jul 22, 2014, 07:45 AM

If you go, go because YOU want to, not because anyone else says you should or shouldn't. Also, judging by facial expressions is a horrible way to know what someone is thinking. It's very, very inaccurate. But yeah, if you feel like it would help you with your grief to go, then do so. If it would be difficult for you, then don't go. But ignore what anyone else thinks. This is about you and your feelings towards this person.

coolibrarian · Jul 22, 2014, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

If you go, go because YOU want to, not because anyone else says you should or shouldn't. Also, judging by facial expressions is a horrible way to know what someone is thinking. It's very, very inaccurate. But yeah, if you feel like it would help you with your grief to go, then do so. If it would be difficult for you, then don't go. But ignore what anyone else thinks. This is about you and your feelings towards this person.

Hazel, I don't feel grief about this loss. I would do it more as a way to pay my respects to him and his family members. Sigh.

HazelGirl · Jul 22, 2014, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherbiej

Hazel, I don't feel grief about this loss. I would do it more as a way to pay my respects to him and his family members. Sigh.

If you feel like that is important, then go. If it's not important to you, then don't. It's up to you. Ignore what "polite" says, ignore what you think T thinks, ignore what your partner says. Go if you want. So take some time to think about whether you want to go.

Imagine yourself going. How do you feel while you imagine it? At ease, knowing this is right? Or anxious and nervous, knowing it is wrong?

And imagine yourself at home while it is happening, honoring him a little in your mind. Does that feel right? Or does it feel wrong?

stopdog · 10:46 AM

I think of funerals as being for the living and the relatives. The deceased no longer cares. If a funeral service or visitation helps you, then I would go and sit or stay away from the relatives and leave right after the service or body viewing or whatever part helps you.

I personally would not go in this situation because I don't find the ritual of a funeral useful and it does not sound as though I would be there as any source of comfort for the family.

Perna · Jul 22, 2014, 01:36 PM

I think it is about you. The brother is dead and does not know whether you attend or not and you "tolerate" and are civil to the ex-partner but do not get along with most of the other relatives? I would definitely pass on that, figure out a way to remember him on my own/for me.

Leah123 · Jul 22, 2014, 01:57 PM

You dated someone 17 years ago, apparently didn't like them as you say the relationship was like 88% too long, and their brother just died. This person is still an acquaintance. Personally, I would send a condolence card at most.

healingme4me · Jul 22, 2014, 04:56 PM

If knowing him, was more recent, going would seem the right thing. Families in mourning tend not to have capacity to sit and note attendance, well for the most part. I like the condolences card, myself. Or if a charitable donation was requested, even better.