Hypertext

So I had a kind of fun session today. I was in a much chattier mood that usual with lots to report, I didn't even get anywhere near to the end of what I wanted to talk about but the stuff we did talk about was all worthwhile stuff. T was maybe a little more talkative and questioned more that usual and I was starting to get a little hypomanic so I didn't get stuck in any silent pensive moments.

But almost every time I made a parenthetical comment, T would follow it up and it would turn into a discussion topic. It was like each little thing I said was a link she could click on and open a new window.

Me: I came home from work and the kids were cranky and then I got even more anxious because I'd gotten a bunch of tax stuff (source of huge anxiety) in the mail and it sent into a tailspin. And then I starting having chills and felt feverish and I didn't know what to do because I'd promised that I'd head to home that afternoon to check on elderly grandparents and i didn't feel I could back out because my dad and brother were out of town and no one else was there to check up on them and I was concerned because--

Her: Did you you open the tax stuff?

Me: yeah I actually did and I didn't avoid it and emailed my accountant right away and set up an appointment.

Her: does it feel better to know that you have [accountant] in your corner?

Me: no, because I'm terrified of her!

Her (laughing): why are you terrified of her? Does she treat you badly?

Me: no. But she knows how disastrously I've handled my finances and that's scary. I always think she's looking at me like I'm a complete and utter moron.

Her: whose idea is it that you're a complete and utter moron?

Me: mine, because I'm such an idiot about this stuff and I totally avoid because I feel anxious but that just makes it so much worse. And I'm terminally disorganized and can't get my act together and--

Her: who would say that?

Me: ummmm I don't know but the first person who comes to mind is M. my on again/off again HS boyfriend. I don't even know if I've ever talked about him.

It went on and on. Usually she helps me stay focused but this time it was totally the opposite. It was like there were suddenly fifty windows open. I left happy but somehow within a couple of hours of leaving her office all this crazy yammering, all these things we were buzzing about in my brain and my heart was racing (checked my pulse: 140!) and of all the topics that got opened. And I'm having (now somewhat better) crazy memories of aforementioned adolescent BF and finding it super overwhelming. So I emailed her and now I'm afraid she won't write back and thinks I'm an idiot. It feels really, icky and urgent and I want something from her that I can't name. And I feel like a loser because I'm feeling very old for this crap to still be an issue.

Anyway totally just rambled and not sure what I need but it feels very loud and crazy in my brain right now.

It is certainly part of a T's duties to make you look at things you are avoiding.

Wow - at 140 i called an ambulance. I was also fibrillating. But i did not like that at all. Hope youre feeling "beta" (blocker)

Yeah it was like I'd had ten cups of coffee and then had to run for the bus. I didn't love it at all. I'm still anxious but about five notches down from before (and pulse back at 70!)

Yep. Can't complain that she was neglecting that duty!

She doesn't think badly of you. Like the accountant or your feelings about yourself, those thoughts are coming from somewhere inside you. Where are they coming from?

This is a great post. Thanks FJ for opening a window into your open windows!

I like how your therapist kept pulling you back to the source of the negative feelings about yourself. It's like she's trying to shine a light on your financial shame to dry it up.

I emailed my T a gushy email this week where I overshared and now I'm afraid she thinks I'm stupid.

But Ts probably don't think we're stupid or overreacting if we are still bothered by the things of our past. I think they think, "Oh good, this keeps me in business," and "We'll have to talk about this next time," and "I love how my clients trust me with their concerns. I'm lucky to do this work."

That's probably what your T thinks.

Hey Hazel. Thanks for the feedback. Um, I have an ever-replenishing supply of that kind of feeling. It's like one of those geothermal springs except, you know, full of nuclear waste or something. One of T's fav things to say is something like "you weren't born thinking/feeling X." I get where she's going with it but it grates on me partly because she says it so much and partly because there's this churlish part of me that's all like how the hell would you know, were you there when I was born?

I feel like being disorganized and scattered is scary and shameful. I've never been organized but have always compensated in other ways. eg in school my homework was often not done but I could pull off finishing it in class and sliding onto the teacher's desk on my way out without her seeing. So I've managed to partially compensate for the fact that I'm missing some key skills and fool people into thinking I have them.

I've read about people keeping their illiteracy a secret for years and managing pretty high level jobs but always anxious that someone would find out. It's a little like that. Only the secret is that I'm incredibly disorganized. Often if I have a task that seems overwhelming (generally paperwork related) I just "lose" the paper and forget about it. Sometimes it goes away and sometimes it comes back with big scary consequences. Like getting pulled over by the cops in the middle of the night because my car's registration had expired and having to negotiate with them so they wouldn't leave me stranded. And there was no reason for my car's registration to expire other than that I found the paperwork to renew to be overwhelming and in my depression, couldn't push past it.

Well it'll definitely keep her business!

I know you're right but frequently get stuck in this place where I feel crazy and overwhelmed with whatever difficult feeling and then feel like I really wish she'd help me out. It seems (at those times) like SHE clicked on all these windows, SHE opened this Pandora's box and now she's left me alone with it and is nowhere to be found. I actually feel alternately sad/anxious and rageful about it. And then I do something dumb like hit send on whatever panic-striken email I just wrote and imagine her sighing wearily and being all like oh crap, not her again. WTF is wrong with her and all her freakin drama? How does anyone stand her?

I'm going to bring this up with my T at my next session because it bothers me too.

It's like, "So wait, YOU tap into all this stuff and encourage me to open Pandora's box and then when time's up, the buzzer goes off and you wipe your hands of until the next time, while I am left to struggle? Have you no culpability or responsibility in this?"

Last year in therapy, I nearly quit because we ran out of time just as something old and traumatic was opened. I left the office in quite a state. And she didn't follow up or anything. I'm still mad about it.

Ok starting this thread got me to deal with the car's registration which as of this afternoon is current again. What's amazing is how relieved I feel and how sometimes I forget how much energy procrastination can sap. There are about forty other things along those lines that I have to do but am off of the beach with the kids and I'll try to attend to them one by one when I get back.

The somewhat hateful exBF is now once again confined to his proper place in my brain and is no longer running around wreaking havoc and calling me names.

So that's two fewer windows open letting me operate a little more efficiently. Thanks guys!