Therapy isn't a very good substitute for love, is it?

I feel like the only reason I'm even sitting here researching therapists in my area is that I want someone to care about me. I've always pathetically longed for that since I was a kid. I used to watch TV shows like 7th Heaven and Growing Pains and think, "Why can't I just have parents who love me like the families on TV?" or "Why am I not good enough for my parents to hug me?" Then that changed into "Everyone else has boyfriends who are affectionate toward them. Why am I not good enough to be attractive to a guy who will love me?" I'm 24 years old and still feel like a little girl begging someone to care that she exists. I am sorry, I know I sound like a needy idiot right now.

Someone tell me this is a stupid idea that isn't going to work before I waste anymore money on therapy.

Actually, I think that's exactly the type of thing you can go to therapy for. It's important to get to the bottom of why you feel this way and how to change it.

The short answer is no.

All you have to do is work why you feel like you do. Get out your pen and paper and start writing your thoughts down. Once you have done that take them to your therapist.

I know "why" I feel like this, though. I feel like this because I crave love and don't have any. I don't think it's some big mystery to explore or anything.

But I bet there's a REASON you crave love and yet don't feel like you can get it. I bet there's a TON to explore. You have to choose to, though. And if you keep insisting that it is just there because it is, you won't ever change it.

I can relate, and my therapist can too. We both felt that way, I still do sometimes. She's very nurturing and cares a lot about me, so... for me, it is a desire I'm getting met in therapy. It works because I don't expect to rely on her exclusively: I have other relationships and recognize how important they are- however, I appreciate the unique ability in therapy to experience something of maternal caring that really can't be replicated in other relationships, such as with my spouse, friends, kids, teachers, coworkers, etc. And just dealing with the pain of not having that desire fulfilled enough earlier is also a very healing thing and gives me the ability to open up more to the care and good relationships that are available outside therapy to, so it's beneficial directly and indirectly.

You don't sound like a needy idiot at all. Step 1: don't talk down about yourself!

i think that if you approach therapy from the perspective of looking at what you missed out on in childhood and grieving those losses, learning how to make sense of it and find love in the real world it will be useful. but, if you look to the therapist to be a substitute for the love you didn't get in your life and primarily focus on trying to get that from the T then it will be an exercise in frustration. therapy is about finding healing from the brokenness in our lives. it isn't about paying someone to love us. i'm not saying there can't be a therapeutic love in the therapy but if it becomes the main focus of one's therapy then it is not a healthy thing. paying someone to love you is a supremely bad idea but paying someone to help you to heal and learn to find love in the real world is a wise investment.

Thanks, that all makes sense. There are a lot of other issues I would like to talk through as well. Argh, if only I had my own insurance so I didn't have to worry about my dad knowing I was seeing someone.

I think that my therapist tries to love me. I'm not sure that I always accept her love. But I know that she tires to love me by just showing me who I am, and how I am struggling. I don't think that it is all that different form the kind of love that I got from my parents. Parents are suppose to provide you with the tools to help love and know yourself. Therapists pretty much do the same thing. I guess the big difference is that there are more sever limitations on the relationship. You can really only see each other so often, and in all likelihood therapy will have to end at some point. You also can't just call your therapist on the phone every time you had a bad day. But I do think that a good T will love you in the right way.

The weird thing is I don't literally want a therapist to love me because, yeah, paying someone for love is gross. I just want that feeling of being spoken to/validated in a warm way if that makes any sense. It probably doesn't. I've done other things like get massages in the past to try to achieve the same feeling of someone treating me gently and kindly. I would just get a massage now, except I've gained too much weight lol.

I think that you can find validation and warmth in therapy. I really think that is a big part of it. I have just been working with my T on seeing that she does give me those things.

I have found love in therapy in a sense, with the goal to also find it in real life too. It's not either or.

The kind of love we need becomes evident within therapy. Which allows us to let go our old ways if trying to get what we didn't get and be open to what we can get.

I have found acceptance and encouragement in therapy, and a model of what a supportive relationship looks like. Then I looked at the people around me and figured out who wasn't good for me, and why. And found who the true keepers were. They're the relationships you want to work on, and the bad ones - just walk away from them if all they do is year you down.

I don't experience the therapist/therapy as loving or warm or kind or validating or what have you along that line. I find it torture and attempted trickery I pay for. The goal is not to be tricked or trapped or unduly manipulated for me. I figure if I can withstand the therapist, I can withstand others.

Massage and therapy are actually both excellent forms of self-care. (I'll accept the caveat that it's not idea to only use these forms of care, that building relationships is also really important but like someone else said, no need for this to be an either/or dilemma.) Nothing wrong with hiring a masseuse or a therapist to receive nurturing. I hope you'll start feeling comfortable enough with your weight to try massage again if it helped you before. I'm overweight too but so are many massage clients and it's never come up as an issue. I find it very helpful.

So many wise comments i can totally relate to. Like at first, i was totally stopdog, because my family background was full of trickery. Then after 3 years or so, i went no contact, and decided to accept t's words. I felt like i gave in, but i think t still registers a lot of resistance on my part. But basically i disagree with the thread title - if its all you can get at the moment, and you use it to grow, its not a bad substitute.

For what it is worth, my family is not especially tricky. I do work with those therapy people professionally and read their books - that is where I find them admitting to such.

Joseph Burgo, PhD, has spent 30 years practicing psychotherapy. I love some of what he has to say about love in therapy:

Attachment Theory and the Healing Psychotherapy Relationship

Remember: it is the strength of the therapeutic alliance which has been proven to be the best predictor of success.

I find Burgo to be an overly sensitive, narcissistic, condescending snotball who has a hissy fit at anyone who disagrees with him. Of course, I really hate Yalom too, and others adore him. I am really not good with men like that. On the other hand, if I read one of those two before heading to court, it does rev me up to examine the ones who are against my clients.

DCS7CAERustration. therapy is about finding healing from the brokenness in our lives. it isn't about paying someone to love us. i'm not saying there can't be a therapeutic love in the therapy but if it becomes the main focus of one's therapy then it is not a healthy thing. paying someone to love you is a supremely bad idea but paying someone to help you to heal and learn to find love in the real world is a wise investment.[/QUOTE]

This, exactly what Blur said, great advice
You are not needy, you are brave for acknowledging and admitting your needs, most people ignore them.
You want something you never got, it's completely normal and please don't feel guilty for paying it for it because you are paying for a steak and not a burger, lol the
Real top notch of learning how to love and be vulnerable when showing your needs and desires.
I am not sure of this will makes sense but I would rather pay for the experience because at least I know it would be done with years of experience and knowledge from someone who can provide with those needs without wanting anything in return and with no ulterior motive

Therapy does not substitute for love but the therapist may be able to help you to prepare yourself to love/be loved for yourself, create a family, be part of a group of close friends, etc.

bolded part: makes perfect sense to me. a big part of therapy for me has been learning how to accept validation for who I am as a person. Didn't get that growing up. With t I have learned to accept validation from other people who care about me.... but i had to learn to accept it from her first. It's been an ongoing process and I'm still learning. But it does translate into the rest of my life, I've been making new friends in the last 8 months or so and have been opening up to them and sharing my emotions with them sometimes and letting them love me, listening to them talk and sitting with them when they are the ones crying, and it's been really good. I would not have even found these folks w/out therapy, let alone the rest. So yes it makes perfect sense to me! I don't like the idea of "paying for love" either, I think it's more paying the professional to help us learn how to accept love or something. I dunno.

I've never thought of therapy as a substitute for love. I wasn't looking for love when I began therapy. I doubt I could have felt it anyway. But I think it was among the most valuable recognitions I took from therapy. Love as empathy, self-love, the recognition by someone of a worthiness of love, the risk to accept love, and finally the ability to risk feeling love. Not a substitute, but a necessary step.

Agreed!!!