[Littlemeinside]

Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

Just found this article that pretty much touches on some of the topics, we discuss alot on the forum ( unprofessional/ unethical T´s)...This is from a T´s perspective..Perhaps some of you will find it useful.

[harvest moon]

I remember reading this article a few months back and it did help me a lot back then. There are other posts as well in this particular blog that were really insightful and helpful.

This is just the bloggers perspective I think.

[harvest moon]

Yes it is the blogger-patient who writes..

[glitterrosez89]

Some of the stuff the blogger's therapist said sounded super mind-gamey to me. I guess it's because I prefer therapy that is more practical and solution-based and less psychoanalyze-y for lack of a better term. I'd better go to bed. I'm having trouble explaining what I mean haha. I think my preference is more a function of my therapy needs too. I need help with things like getting over my fear of the whole job application process and working on social skills, so I don't think I would look for a therapist to provide me with comfort I didn't get as a child...although there was definitely a lack of it, idk haha.

[Littlemeinside]

Sorry..I thought it was a T who wrote this Still a great blog IMO.

I really liked what this blogger wrote, and I agree with her about having to experience the pain of the emotions on a truly deep and genuine level before we can work through them and move on. That said, I also think that she was very lucky to have a therapist who really understood the real reasons for good boundaries and he used them to bring about learning and growth in his client. He was thoughtful in enacting them and he spent a lot of time discussing her reaction to them and what emotions they elicited deep inside her.

Unfortunately, I think that a good number of therapist don't seem to have that depth of understanding and skill. They simply read the textbook on what particular boundaries are important in therapy and quickly put them into place . . . or frantically put them into place after therapy begins to go off the rails. They don't seem to use the boundaries as an opportunity to bring about powerful and life altering change in their clients. Instead, they view boundaries as things that are there to protect themselves from the client. This usually becomes evident when the client reacts to the boundary in an hurtful or angry manner and the therapist simply fails or avoids examining the client's reaction in depth, stating, "It's there to protect you." Many therapists jump into lecture mode instead of exploration. The important learning part for the client is bypassed because the therapist doesn't really understand the critical part of exploration.
Just my take on the subject.

[refika]

Wow, thank you for posting the link! I could relate to A LOT of what was said in that article, especially since I'm going through some of the similar issues now.

[Attachment Girl]

Littlemeinside,
I wanted to say thank you for posting the link, you sent an amazing amount of people my way, I really appreciate it. I am really glad you found the article helpful. There is a follow up called "Therapy isn't enough redux" if you're interested. (Would have posted a link but don't have enough posts yet, but you should be able to search for it). I am also very flattered that you thought I was a therapist. But I'm just a client who has spent WAY too much time in therapy.

Glitterrosez89,
I understand why you would get the impression that my T was playing mind games, but I want to assure it that mind games are the last thing he would ever do. He once told me that he's not a strategic therapist because he's not smart enough. He believes, and I have come to agree with him based on my experience, that what you need to deal with in therapy tends to come up in therapy. He has told me that he would never lie to me, nor set up a situation and I trust that. From what you are describing about what you want out of therapy, this is just not the kind of work you are doing, which is perfectly ok. I think every individual is unique, so we're not all looking for the same thing out of therapy. I've had to go so deep because my injuries were done over a long period during some crucial developmental years. I envy people who do not need to do this!

Jaybird,
I very much appreciated your comment and agree with what you said. Not all therapists are up for this work. I often tell people that its best to start small and when you talk to your therapist about a boundary issue, watch for two things. Do they stay non-defensive and do they focus on your feelings? If they do neither, it might be best to go look for another therapist if you have depth work to do. BN models non-defensiveness better than anyone I have ever known (I have learned alot from watching him) which is good because I've thrown a lot his way. We have also talked about the fact that so much of the work is done around a client's reactions to the boundaries which is why even though the boundaries stay intact, any and all of my feelings can be discussed and even normalized. But I think you're quite correct that just because someone is a therapist, doesn't automatically mean that they deeply understand boundaries.

AG