Unable to speak

I've never been very talkative in therapy, but I've been talking and answering my Ts questions every session till now. It's been three sessions so far, when I was silent the whole 50 minutes. It was like I was unable to open my mouth, like my muscles didn't work or I didn't know how to use them. My T. was talking to me and gave me questions, and I wanted to answer, I had whole sentences in my head but I couldn't get anything out. In between there were moments when I thought I answered to her, but then realized I am still silent. I was dissociating a lot and felt really weird (like I am there but I am not).
Later she asked if she can touch my hand, and I nodded though I was afraid, because I still wanted her to. When she did it was like I've been hypnotised. I've been staring at her hand for at least 20 minutes and I felt like a baby who saw a hand for the first time and was fascinated by it. I can't explain properly.

My question is could me being unable to speak and being frozen when touched be some sort of resistance to T.? I used to want to terminate therapy before, because I am terrified of being attached to her or need her. Now I am not thinking about terminating anymore but can't speak. What do you think?

I'm sorry if this is confusing and unclear. And I'm sorry because it's long and my English is not very well. Thank you for reading.

Sawyer

It's interesting that you describe feeling like a baby, and being unable to speak. Like maybe an age regression?

Could you write out the answers to her questions in session?

I used to think that when I was in school and being forced to see a Therapist that my not wanting to speak during sessions was a sign of that.

I completely get what you are feeling . I spent about 3 years in T not saying a word with a lot of the same questions .pm me if you would like. it was so hard to get passed this and sometimes I still have a hard time with it

I've been like that at times. I feel like I can't move my mouth, and even if I could, no sound would come out.

Hi Sawyer, what you wrote is not unclear at all. You described dissociation and/or depersonalization, which is emotional defense often used by those with a trauma history. It's not necessarily a defense or resistance against her specifically. The emotions can be triggered by the attachment relationship, but usually these states coincide with experiencing certain emotions, regardless of the person who triggers them.

I've had those experiences many times. It usually gets better after time. What helps me is that my therapist talks while i'm in those states. The hypnotic like feelings, and the 'fascination' with something, are very strange, I know. I also get in those states from experiencing some types of emotional content outside of therapy.

Hope you talk to her about these experiences.

I completely relate to that and the staring at hand bit. My t reckons its dissociation and regression I think. We don't tend to label it much. I spent ages doing this but seem to be moving away from it now. Is your t happy with this? My way round it was to email what was happening to me when I could communicate between sessions or sometimes bring something written down and give it to her if I then couldn't speak in session. We also got quite good at her understanding my gestures in order to answer simple questions about what was going on for me. Hang on in there, eventually it will pass when it's ready.

Could you show what you wrote here to her? Your writing it down is very clear and I think would tell her what she needs to know to come up with suggestions to help you work through it

There are times when I cannot speak- i go to talk but no sound comes out.

Does this happen when you're triggered by something? In my situation it feels like it just came out of the blue.

Thank you, S.

Thank you for sharing. I think she'd say it's a progress that I am able to stay with the feeling. I used to dissociate in a way I numbed everything I felt, but now I dissociate and feel (at least more than I did before).
I wish I could email her too. She's been encouraging me to do so, or to call her but I just can't do it and let her know I depend on her/trust/need her,.. I could be dying and I still wouldn't be able to contact her.

Sawyer

It's possible, I feel like a baby a lot there. But is it possible to regress to such an early stage of one's life - like after birth, or couple months of age? I tried to google it but didn't find anything that would explain it. Some moments in sessions I feel like I am discovering body parts (hands, arms) for the first time, and not just her's, mine as well. And I am so ''young'' that I don't know how to talk yet, and I just observe (staring at hands). I don't know, sorry if it's not understandable.

Sawyer

I remember her talking about love, and that she cares about me and that she knows I don't believe it.

I wanted to answer her that I don't believe it, because I don't think her caring about me is possible. That I don't understand when people who created you couldn't or wouldn't care about you, why anyone else would - especially her who I am nothing to. I wanted to say that I don't trust love because 1. I am not even sure what is it like, and 2. because it's unreliable - you can love someone one day and then change your mind. The other person can't do or say anything that would make you love him/her again and is therefore left with nothing.