[HazelGirl]

I hate that I am so scared right now. I know I am feeling like I did as a child, with the same threats possibly looming. And what is standing out in my mind is that I can't talk to my mom because she won't understand. I know this is all a reflection on the past, and I hate it. It makes me so frightened.

And I feel embarrassed because it makes me want to text my T and tell her all kinds of things, like how I feel afraid and unprotected, and how I wish she could protect me, and how unfair it is that I don't have someone who would help me get away from the threat. There's so many emotional flashbacks going on, and I feel really stressed out and jumpy. I hate this.

[granite1]

I think these things would be a great thing to send to your T if you can e-mail . I cant remember if you have asked her if you can see her for and extra session or not . maybe that would be a good idea

[HazelGirl]

I can text her. But I am not allowed to email, mostly because she doesn't check her email regularly and so doesn't want an email from me to sit there for a month before she sees it.

I just don't want to bother her for things she can't control or fix. It's outside of either of our control, and it makes it hard to relax

[unaluna]

I think this is a valid thing. Its coming on the weekend and she might not get back to you, but it seems like you realize the POINT is you dont like feeling there is no one you can depend on. Texting her might make you feel like there IS someone you can depend on, and thats the magic ticket. Realistically, is she physically going to defend you from your dad? No, but she can help emotionally.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think this is a valid thing. Its coming on the weekend and she might not get back to you, but it seems like you realize the POINT is you dont like feeling there is no one you can depend on. Texting her might make you feel like there IS someone you can depend on, and thats the magic ticket. Realistically, is she physically going to defend you from your dad? No, but she can help emotionally.

This is a good point. But I don't like letting her or anyone know things like that. It makes me uncomfortable.

[granite1]

I get it is hard to be vulnerable but isn't this why we are in T ? to work on changing things . maybe send off a short text . you don't need to be alone in any of this and I bet she will be there for you

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by granite1

I get it is hard to be vulnerable but isn't this why we are in T ? to work on changing things . maybe send off a short text . you don't need to be alone in any of this and I bet she will be there for you

I guess I feel embarrassed about feeling so afraid and probably blowing things out of proportion, and being too needy.

I did text her, but I didn't tell her everything here. I just said I was feeling afraid, and felt like I was being ridiculous.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you sent her a text. I hope you can get what you need from her. It can be heard to reach out, and difficult to let poepl in on things, but it can be a good thing. (hugs)

[granite1]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I guess I feel embarrassed about feeling so afraid and probably blowing things out of proportion, and being too needy.

I did text her, but I didn't tell her everything here. I just said I was feeling afraid, and felt like I was being ridiculous.

I hope she text you back you are not being ridiculous an emotional flash backs have to be hard ,scary and confusing because they don't seem to be connected and feel out of the blue .and being scared of what is going on with your farther is very tangible

[Leah123]

Hazel, you're very brave. I remember being your age, or a bit younger, and having those fears: I remember how intense they are. I was estranged from my father too, also my stepmother and family, and running into them was a horror. My brother lived with them half the time, so it was kind of similar, that fear of him carrying news of me to them and such.

I'm really glad you're reaching out to your therapist and posting here. I am sure it will be okay, I think my best advice... if you care for some, is to just keep reminding yourself it will be okay after all and to do nice things for yourself in the midst of being worried, see a movie, go have a drink or good meal, take a hike, whatever you like- enjoy your life, even if means a bit of faking it til you make it.

Anyhow... I do hope it gets better for you soon.

[guilloche]

Hazel... I'm glad you were able to reach out to your T.... I know you've said how wonderful she is, so I hope she gets back to you and is able to support you with this... Sorry (again) you're going through this... ! Wish I had better advice...

[HazelGirl]

She did get back to me. And wasn't very encouraging. She just asked me if there was a way to ask my brother to not tell my father anything, but that's not how it works. And even if I were to ask him that, and he were to try to not tell my father, my father has too much leverage over my brother right now and would easily force the info out of him. And then he would know whatever info he wanted, and that I didn't want him to have it. Which would make it worse because he might want to take some time to "show" me that he can do whatever he wants. Because he is like that. He has absolutely no regard for me.

[sweepy62]

I m sorry you are feeling scared, I know that feeling, its so vulnerable, I am glad you reached out to your t, but disappointed that, she was not more encouraging, your brother is goinng to do whatever he wants to do, regardless.You certainly need some sort of distraction, to relax you. If it helps just to keep posting and talking to us here, or pm , please do so.

[HazelGirl]

I am so tired of being afraid. I have been afraid for my whole life. I don't want to live like this anymore.

[Bill3]

And then he would know whatever info he wanted, and that I didn't want him to have it. Which would make it worse because he might want to take some time to "show" me that he can do whatever he wants.

Suppose this happens. Then what?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Suppose this happens. Then what?

Then he shows up at my work or home uninvited to prove that he can, no matter what I try to do. He shows his "power" by showing me that I can't hide from him or protect myself from him. It's a mind game.

[Bill3]

Oh! I didn't realize (if it is the case) that he doesn't know where you live or work.

Okay, so again, let's say that happens. I agree that it would be bad for that to happen. But how bad? How wounded would you be?

[HazelGirl]

I would be terrified, I would feel completely unsafe. I probably wouldn't be able to sleep or focus or anything. It would be bad.

[Bill3]

That does sound bad. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. If it happened, what would you do to address the problem going forward?

[HazelGirl]

I don't know. I feel really helpless and powerless right now. I don't know what I could do.

[Bill3]

I'm really sorry. It must be awful to feel so vulnerable, especially after you did so much to get out on your own.

(((((HazelGirl)))))