[Leah123]

We tried a little trauma work today. Been working up to this topic. I'm tired, I'm stressed, per usual. At 51 minutes I was about ready to name a specific piece but of course, it was time to wind down. That feeling of.... gradual opening, only to be shut down, it's wretched, so painful. I have a bad reaction. This time... well, I told her I wanted to kill myself and how via an email right after. I really needed a 90 minute session to resolve the building feeling of anxiety I've had around this, and I couldn't have it, couldn't afford it.

First she told me that she'd have to take steps to keep me safe unless I could tell her (promise) I was not going to kill myself, so I said I wasn't. (Duh, if I was going to, would I be stupid enough to say "no.")

After, she told me she was glad I said no and had been very worried about me and she understood how hard it was and was with me in spirit. But I told her, spirit wasn't enough. What I needed was help processing, another half hour. It's hard to be contained, especially I think, doing long distance therapy, it takes more effort it seems, though I know that's just my perception, don't mean to say it's easy for others. And as others have said, I'm pretty sure doing trauma work in 60 is not ideal.

We've been on a strict schedule for a while now, couple months, one hour sessions and email. I've done.... pretty good with it, though I had a really bad panic attack after one a couple weeks ago. It's hard, the abandonment feeling gets triggered and other things come up and so.... often I can cope, but not always can I find that sense of security after. I've gotten better at DBT tools, distress tolerance, but... it's still pretty intense at those times, like today.

I get over the worst of it after a while, but I don't want to deal with this anymore. I asked her today for something I've never asked for before....and I could really just use some support...

I asked her if given the amount I spend, if we could *occasionally* do a 90 minute session instead of 60 without my fee going up. I pay her a lot and she's worth it, but I really really could have benefitted from an extra 30 minutes, and I can't afford to pay more than I am now.

I told her that I needed to solve this issue or stop seeing her, because my anxiety level is up because of this and my reasonable alternatives right now are to stop the therapy so I can focus on the day to day a lot more and let the intensity subside that way, or to do the therapy in a way I can manage, which means occasionally being able to run long so I can wrap up instead of decompensating afterward.

My therapist has always encouraged me to ask for what I want and to validate my needs, but I've never risked so much asking her. I'm afraid she'll want to just drop me rather than what amounts to increasing the amount of session time by 10% a month without increasing my cost.

I don't think I'm asking for something.... completely excessive, but it is not nothing either.

I considered other alternatives:

1. Taking a break from therapy to bring the intensity level down. (That would hinder the trauma work though, and we're on the last topic I think, last major subject.)

2. Having really easy sessions, just talking about day to day and basics, solidifying my current self-care. I do okay, it's just my schedule keeps me from getting enough sleep, exercise, etc. and that's a hard one to work around... but my schedule will get easier in 9 months.

3. Just trying to cope w/no extra time, and live with this awful feeling post-session, but I'm too miserable to think that's a real option.

But asking for a little more time once in a while seems... best. I'm already at my limit for paying for therapy, I really can't afford more.

I don't *want* to test her... but this is like a test, and I'm scared of the results.

I do believe her when she says she cared, I just feel like... I'm really close to making our arrangement work, but I just need *a little* more. We used to do longer sessions and they were often very very helpful, so I do have something to base it on.

If anyone has kind words, I'd appreciate them. If anyone has critical words, could you please post Monday so I can pull myself together a bit first?

[DelusionsDaily]

I hope everything works out for you with T.

[ThisWayOut]

it's great that you were able to reach out.
did you mean it when you said you would be safe? (we worry too you know)
I hope she is able to make that compromise, at least for a while.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

it's great that you were able to reach out.
did you mean it when you said you would be safe? (we worry too you know)
I hope she is able to make that compromise, at least for a while.

Thank you. I didn't want to be alive, not like this... but I don't think I'll ever kill myself. The trauma work... seems like it makes me feel just about as bad as when I went through the hard times originally, but I know it's not as bad as it was, and... if I didn't kill myself then, I won't now.

The worst it gets for me is to know what I'd do and how, and I find it very appealing sometimes... just to... be quiet, to have quiet.

But I haven't ever tried to kill myself. And I try never to talk about it or say I want to... I try not to, and then, in therapy, every few months, it gets bad enough that I slip and admit that desire. I clearly need some r & r, but I feel lucky that I haven't struggled much with actual attempts or significant self harm because I know those are extremely serious and incredibly painful experiences for some other folks here.

I'm so sorry to hear you of all people are going through such a hard time. You helped me so much on my post the other day and I wish I had the right words to make things a little better for you.
I think your reasons for wanting extra time are so valid, and I really hope your T is able to offer you that. You're such a good person and you deserve it to work through these difficult issues.
All I can offer are my hugs and thoughts
Take care x

[precaryous]

I'm glad you knew to ask for what you needed. It is worth a question. I understand about needing extra time when you are working on these kinds of issues. I would have a problem wrapping up in sixty minutes. I hope she will be able to work something out for you. <3

[healed84]

I know this probably isn't an option that you want to hear.. BUT- if you really want to do trauma work, then I would suggest that you do it with a T who can really be there for you when you need he/she. I don't know if therapy would be more expensive for you if you were seeing someone in person? But I will just say, the period of time that I reached out to T was during trauma work. I saw him twice a week if needed to. Also, those were the times that I have emailed in between sessions to most or texted him.

Going through the trauma work is hard stuff and I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to die.. and T's support both in and out of sessions was crucial. There are Ts out there who won't charge for emails outside of sessions and that allow to text, etc. So, I don't know if finding a new T is an option.. but coming from somebody who has done the work, just wanted to give you my opinion

GL, I hope you are able to process the stuff that you need to.

[Leah123]

I sent her via email some of the things I was thinking about telling her today (journal entries from when I was 15), trying to be brave, and she replied that she was very moved by what I'd written then, and honored by my trust and would hold onto them for me. And thank goodness, she said she was certainly open to giving me a 90 minute session at the 60 minute rate on days like today. When I explained why I wanted them and what I meant, she wrote that she knew and trusted I wasn't and wouldn't try to take advantage of her and when I asked, she replied she was sure she wouldn't get burnt out by me and to not worry and go and rest.

I love my therapist.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I sent her via email some of the things I was thinking about telling her today (journal entries from when I was 15), trying to be brave, and she replied that she was very moved by what I'd written then, and honored by my trust and would hold onto them for me. And thank goodness, she said she was certainly open to giving me a 90 minute session at the 60 minute rate on days like today. When I explained why I wanted them and what I meant, she wrote that she knew and trusted I wasn't and wouldn't try to take advantage of her and when I asked, she replied she was sure she wouldn't get burnt out by me and to not worry and go and rest.

I love my therapist.

Wonderful!

[guilloche]

Oh Leah... your T's response has me tearing up. Please take care of yourself - I very much like you and appreciate your posts too! And, I'm so relieved and glad to hear your T is open to giving you a 90-minute session sometimes to help you get through this.

Stay safe, and yes... get some rest! (((hugs)))

[sweepy62]

I'm so happy your t agreed to that, you deserve it, your a very loyal client. I'm sorry you were feeling so overwhelmed even to have a thought of harming yourself , even though I know you wouldn't. You have your family and school and don't forget us , we love you

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[stopdog]

I am glad it worked out.