Trying to unravel it all I was just saying what came to mind. Talking about how I'm aware of my defences but struggle to do anything about them.
I said to T, it was like being raised by Hitler and you grew up with all this crap properganda against the "Jews"(a metaphor) and now I struggle to be at ease with the "Jews" - T replied and you find out you were a "Jew" all along.

Yes! When she said that it opened up the ability to think about what was going on growing up in a way that was shut to me without words.

I sat quite enjoying the opening it created and than replied "and now like all Jews, I want to go home to my true home!!

I felt myself leaving my mother's insanity, I could feel the ambivalence I must have struggled with growing up, having to pretend to be someone other than who I was, the mind torture used to create that, the wanting to love my mother but also wanting to be free of her imprisonment and abuse.

My internal prison cell flung open!

Go Mouse!

[CantExplain]

Everyone needs a home.
I'm glad you are working out who you really are.