Positive change in how I see my T now

I saw my T today. Everything is different now because of my H's illness. There's nothing else I can concentrate on in my session other than what is going on in my life now. We have another doctor to see, and then he will probably start chemo. Right now, he feels pretty good. I don't think it's appropriate to discuss details in this forum, but I will try to keep everyone informed.

Something did happen in my session today, though. I've been seeing how therapy is about me, and not my therapist, and not about fantasies about her either. When she held my hand today, and I told her it calmed me, I talked about how I was looking directly at her. She wanted to know how I feel when I look at her. I realized for the first time that all of my parts are becoming integrated. I told her this without blushing. I said that a part can still be in love with her and think she's pretty and like her hair and her eyes (she said thank you!), a part can be excited by her, and a part can love her, but it's okay! I see her as a whole, and I am whole when I see her. Those parts didn't trigger me today. My T is my T, and it's okay to have those parts and even to tell her what I did. I'm not obsessing about her. I felt good with her, but that's all. I felt very calm while telling her the above. I wasn't blushing or feeling self-conscious. I felt a huge sense of relief!

I also talked about how we had such problems with email, but now I don't have to worry about it. I know that she is emailing me back only because of my H's condition, but I can see that it's what I needed to feel secure all along. She reminded me that she stopped emailing me a few years ago because I was so upset with her replies. I know that's because I wanted her to comment on my feelings about her. Now it's not about her. I wish it didn't take my H's getting sick to give me a wakeup call, but that is what happened.

I wanted to cry in the session but I couldn't even though I talked about sad things. I am so grateful for my T and for her allowing me to discuss my feelings for her. I feel like I can relate to her without worrying that I like her or love her too much. I know that whatever I feel for her is acceptable, and that is a huge relief to me.

It sounds really lovely, Rainbow, and i'm glad you are feeling some relief. I hope the best for H.

Thanks for the hugs, everyone. My T says to take one day at a time. It's hard not to be afraid of what is going to happen, though.

I feel like I didn't explain the significance of the way I felt about T yesterday. She and I know it was a major, huge breakthrough for me in many ways. I don't need to be obsessed or addicted to a T anymore. The real relationship is good enough. I don't need that high from her. I don't know if this carries over into my real life but I feel free from the trap I was in during my long years of therapy. I'm not going to post much about her again. I don't need to.

Wow, that's great. I wonder if you feel this way because you finally feel secure in your relationship with her. Sometimes I think I hate all of the feelings towards my T. because, in the end, I'm insecure in my relationship with her and want what she can't give me (more verbal reassurance/connection).

I think thats how growth works. We dont notice it week to week, like we maybe wouldnt notice our child growing week to week, then something momentous happens, and either we are prepared for it and step up to the challenge, or we just let it slide. A former ts favorite quote is, Luck rewards the prepared mind.

My h starts chemotherapy tomorrow.

Healing prayers.

Thinking of you Rainbow and sending love. Thank you for your post - you and your H have been in my thoughts. Take good care. Xx

Prayers for you and your h. I'm glad you are finding your therapeutic relationship much better now. I'm sure you will need your t now more than ever. Sending you hugs.

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Thinking of you I hope your H's chemo goes well and that you squeeze in memorable and warm times in between treatments.

Hope your H is as comfortable as possible. Thinking of you!!