[purplemystery]

My T and I terminated when I graduated back in May, but she said that I can email her every now and again. She told me to be aware that she would be less counsel-y and that it would mostly be one-sided and short, though she would reply and wants to know how I'm doing. Since she's going back to my school again soon, I might send her an email to update her. I was wondering what everyone thinks about what I should be like in the email. If she is no longer going to be "counsel-y," should I no longer be client-y? Do you think I should have a degree of formality and not open up too much, but just generally update her? And should I only tell her the good things? I'm not sure how to go about it. Has anyone emailed a T they'd terminated with before, and what was it like?

[HazelGirl]

She's probably thinking general updates about life, but it's up to you. I would guess if it was inappropriate, she would let you know.

[pbutton]

Former T and I email every few months or so. I tend to give him overall highlights of what's happening for me, particularly the positive things. I don't discuss my difficult issues, although I may give him a one-sentence version of what I'm working on in my current therapy.

[ThisWayOut]

When I've updated former t's, I just give quick highlights and summaries with not much depth about anything (same as pbutton). I've not always gotten responses, though one t had thanked me for the update...
I think your t meant that she would not offer much by way of support, but would like to know how things are going. However, as hazel said, she'd likely tell you if something is inappropriate.

[purplemystery]

Thanks everyone, I'm sure you're right that she just meant general updates. Ugh, I think I'm going to experience a fresh wave of grief when she goes back to work but I don't go back to school. I've almost been postponing my sadness knowing that I get to email her eventually, but it will likely just depress me when I see her response: short and to the point. Though I would rather email her than not, it will be tough to see how our relationship has changed.

[pbutton]

I don't know, in some ways it is better. T is more likely to say "Great to hear from you!" and now that it has been 2 years, he responds with small bits from his own life.

[feralkittymom]

Hi Purple!

What I can tell you is that it's an on-going negotiation to keep in touch. Because it hasn't been long since you terminated, I would suggest you keep it short and fairly upbeat. You can mention a struggle, especially one she would be aware of, but mention it in an "I'm still plugging away at X" way rather than in any emotional way. Don't ask for advice, and generally keep it light and simple. It's fine to tell her you miss her, especially with the new term starting, but maybe include her as part of the more general sense of getting used to not being on campus anymore as a new semester begins. I think she will gain confidence in keeping in touch with you the more you control any need you feel to be in touch.

Beyond that, just let time and your feelings and her reactions determine how the relationship continues. I will warn you that it seems common for Ts to respond, but not to initiate. They also seem to not reply to any response you make to their response. So you write, they respond once. They don't seem to continue the correspondence, I suspect because then it becomes a bit murky about how and when the thread ends. And as you've surmised, her response will probably be friendly but short, and it may feel very impersonal at first read. So I wouldn't write until you feel steady enough to not be too invested in her reply.

[Perna]

You are writing someone you enjoyed working with, talking to. Write her what you would like her to know, from your heart. Just realize that you aren't going to get much of a reply other than, "That's great!" or, if things have not been, "I'm sorry to hear that".

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I don't know, in some ways it is better. T is more likely to say "Great to hear from you!" and now that it has been 2 years, he responds with small bits from his own life.

Interesting, I would like for my T to share things here and there about her life too. I can see it taking a few years for her to do that as well.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Hi Purple!

What I can tell you is that it's an on-going negotiation to keep in touch. Because it hasn't been long since you terminated, I would suggest you keep it short and fairly upbeat. You can mention a struggle, especially one she would be aware of, but mention it in an "I'm still plugging away at X" way rather than in any emotional way. Don't ask for advice, and generally keep it light and simple. It's fine to tell her you miss her, especially with the new term starting, but maybe include her as part of the more general sense of getting used to not being on campus anymore as a new semester begins. I think she will gain confidence in keeping in touch with you the more you control any need you feel to be in touch.

Beyond that, just let time and your feelings and her reactions determine how the relationship continues. I will warn you that it seems common for Ts to respond, but not to initiate. They also seem to not reply to any response you make to their response. So you write, they respond once. They don't seem to continue the correspondence, I suspect because then it becomes a bit murky about how and when the thread ends. And as you've surmised, her response will probably be friendly but short, and it may feel very impersonal at first read. So I wouldn't write until you feel steady enough to not be too invested in her reply.

Hi feralkitty!

I think you bring up a lot of good points-- she is very strict about any sort of contact, so I should be careful not to overstep anything. At the moment, I think I care too much about what she would say (or not say), and would likely be bothered by minor things. So I should probably wait awhile until I'm sure I can handle it. I didn't let myself think about what it would actually be like to email her, and I think I wanted to make myself believe that it was a way to continue the relationship. When in reality, it is just a check-in, and I can't let myself have such high expectations. So until I can look at it in a more realistic way, I will hold off. One good thing though is that when I was considering writing her instead of emailing, she said "I would hope that if in a few years I got a new job, the office would let you know what my new address is." So she seems to think that I will be in touch for awhile. Thanks for your great advice, and I hope you're doing well!

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Perna

You are writing someone you enjoyed working with, talking to. Write her what you would like her to know, from your heart. Just realize that you aren't going to get much of a reply other than, "That's great!" or, if things have not been, "I'm sorry to hear that".

Yes, that's a good way to put it. I need to try to get more joy out of her simply knowing what is going on with my life, and stay detached from the length of reply or reaction she shows.