[Soccer mom]

I'm going through a period where my relationship with my T seems fake. I know we've discussed it being one sided. It's like I allow myself to get close and then want to pull away when I see it's one sided. I compare it to a friendship or relationship where you feel close to that person but get a sense they don't feel the same way. So you distance yourself and realize it's not going to work. How do I get past this?
She helped me realize last session that I don't like sharing my feelings because I may lose that person which we related to my fear of her transferring me or me losing her. Being close to her has been an ongoing battle. She has asked why several times but last time she asked "why is it a bad thing". It was the closest she's gotten to telling me it's ok.

[Aloneandafraid]

I could have written this post. It is so painful. xx

[HazelGirl]

I think that period is a normal part of therapy and it happens for everyone. At some point, I came to the realization that it isn't fake. It's just different than other relationships.

[stopdog]

I find that it is fake and there is nothing real about the therapist to be reassuring. The point, for me, is that it is not real and the therapist does not count nor do I count for the therapist. I do not know why people want it to be real.

[BonnieJean]

Mine is more of a recurrence than a period, I think. 4 years with t and this struggle resurfaces over and over.. She points out that even though the relationship causes me great pain for these reasons it has been enabling me to allow some closeness with others.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I find that there is nothing real about the therapist to be reassuring. The point, for me, is that it is not real and the therapist does not count nor do I count for the therapist

What "counts"? Somebody else used that word here recently. Its like when hippies used to say about living together, "whats a piece of paper?" Ie marriage license.

To me - okay im an adrenalin junkie whose butt is mostly pasted to her easy chair - what is real is what happens in the moment. Life is made up of moments. Every moment counts. But its okay to rest during some of them

Its not fake just different.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

What "counts"? Somebody else used that word here recently. Its like when hippies used to say about living together, "whats a piece of paper?" Ie marriage license.

To me - okay im an adrenalin junkie whose butt is mostly pasted to her easy chair - what is real is what happens in the moment. Life is made up of moments. Every moment counts. But its okay to rest during some of them

I am using count to me - if the therapist died today - my life would not change. If I died today - the therapist's life would not change - neither of us would have a loss.

I don't find the therapist open, warm or particularly helpful in and of herself. I have found a use for her, but she was not useful or helpful when doing it her way. I have never ever found her to be in a helping role.

[Lauliza]

I don't believe it is fake and I don't think this capacity exists only with therapists. I think many if not most humans have some capacity to want to help and relate to others in a sincere way without necessarily having an intimate, two sided friendship with them. I see this happen quite frequently. The personality of the person in the "helping" role, whether a therapist or someone else, is what I think dictates how the "relationship" is interpreted or misinterpreted.

For instance, a very gregarious, warm person can act like they have known you for years and this can create an instant feeling of closeness. This isn't always the intent and people with personalities like this have large circles of acquaintences and casual friends because they treat most people this way. Some people like this can be fake and superficial, of course. But others just genuinely love the company of people. Some even sincerely enjoy helping people. I just think this is a difficult thing for a lot of people (especially more reserved people) to wrap their brains around because the more reserved types don't offer much of themselves until the other person has earned it. There's nothing wrong with that and I think a lot of people are like this. But there are are many people who will go out of their way to help or give support to someone in need, even if they don't like them (I and members of my community have had this experience recently with a mother who lost a child). I don't think that is fake, I think it's just human kindness. For people where this need to be helpful domintates their personality, well, I think they are drawn to careers where they can devote most of their time to it: therapists, teachers, mentors, maybe even clergy... For those of us who are different and not so quick to be open and warm with others who we are not closely involved with, I think this is very difficult to comprehend. So, we interpret it as insincere. But in most instance I don't believe that it is. It could be misguided for sure, but I don't think it is fake.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am using count to me - if the therapist died today - my life would not change. If I died today - the therapist's life would not change - neither of us would have a loss.

I don't find the therapist open, warm or particularly helpful in and of herself. I have found a use for her, but she was not useful or helpful when doing it her way. I have never ever found her to be in a helping role.

Even though you wouldn't feel a personal loss, do you think you'd feel an emotional one at all? Do you really believe your T wouldn't feel anything if you died tomorrow? I understand how you could think that you or your T would be unaffected. But I do wonder if that's more of a defense and that if in the event that she actually died tomorrow, you might feel differently. I'd wager your T probably would if it were you.

[stopdog]

No I do not agree-and you would lose the wager. I really do believe there would be no reaction from me to the therapist dying or whatever and for her about me. Not a defense - just a statement of fact for me.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I find that it is fake and there is nothing real about the therapist to be reassuring. The point, for me, is that it is not real and the therapist does not count nor do I count for the therapist. I do not know why people want it to be real.

I guess it depends on the reason behind someone having a therapist in the first place. Id think that if someone is in therapy because they have trouble with relationships, then if the relationship feels 'fake' it would be unsettling. However, if someone is in therapy to learn how to organize their time, I guess the relationship itself would be inconsequential

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't find the therapist open, warm or particularly helpful in and of herself. I have found a use for her, but she was not useful or helpful when doing it her way. I have never ever found her to be in a helping role.

What a waste of time and money then. I'd either quit altogether, or find another one.

[stopdog]

I think there are more reasons one might decide to pay a therapist than relationship issues or organization concerns. I have made the woman useful because I have gotten her to stay back and I tell her things I don't tell the real people who count for me. It is not why I first went to see a therapist, but she was not helpful for those things.
If thinking there is a relationship with a therapist is useful - then have at it. My lack of understanding why it is appealing is not standing in anyone's way of doing it if it helps them.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

What a waste of time and money then. I'd either quit altogether, or find another one.

It is not a waste for me - I have found a way to make her useful. It might be a waste for you or others, but no need to judge me for it.
And I do see another one. Who also is not warm, caring or in helping role. I did not seek a therapist for them to play a helping role at me.

[NowhereUSA]

i told my t that i think of our relationship as an 'alternate relationship' like an 'alternate universe' in a tv show. it's interesting, it's real, but it's not... well to quote teal'c from stargate 'our reality is the only one of consequence' - in other words, for all that i may care about my t and he cares about me, my 'reality' is my husband, my best friend, my children. these are the ones that have long term, life altering consequences. my t is the relationship i visit away from them, but what i learn in therapy can be applied to my own reality (like when daniel jackson found out about Apophis coming to invade because he traveled to an alternate universe where Sam Carter was engaged to Jack O'Neill and therefore Jackson was able to save our main tv show SG-1).

any stargate fans in the house?

okay anyway. i've found that thinking of it that way helps me hold the dialectic of it being real and not real at the same time.

[Soccer mom]

I think a lot of this came from me seeing her out in public. I would be nervous and she would not. Just again shows it means more to me than it does to her. I know it's supposed to be this way but I wouldn't tolerate this in "real" life. I would stop being associated with her. Ugh

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think there are more reasons one might decide to pay a therapist than relationship issues or organization concerns. I have made the woman useful because I have gotten her to stay back and I tell her things I don't tell the real people who count for me. It is not why I first went to see a therapist, but she was not helpful for those things.
If thinking there is a relationship with a therapist is useful - then have at it. My lack of understanding why it is appealing is not standing in anyone's way of doing it if it helps them.

That makes perfect sense to me. I 'get it' now. An please know, Stopdog, I have felt no judgement of you. To be sure, your way of experiencing therapy is the exception, and my interest in better understanding where you're coming from is akin to your frequent expressions of dismay at the need others of us feel to be emotionally bonded to our therapists.

No judgment... just sincere interest.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

i told my t that i think of our relationship as an 'alternate relationship' like an 'alternate universe' -
okay anyway. i've found that thinking of it that way helps me hold the dialectic of it being real and not real at the same time.

Like what happens in las vegas, stays in las vegas - but las vegas is the t room, is how i put it

I mean, if time is a human construct, isnt space also a human construct? Doesnt it feel like we on pc right now are all in the same space?? (Cue twilight zone music )

Eta: im sitting in the lobby of my own apartment building, trying to recuperate from the heat! I even walked out to the bus stop to go to t, and turned around and came home. There is a fresh breeze that fooled me - the heat index is almost 100. I was getting dizzy. I texted t sorry, too hot. Im glad he appreciates that i get delirious so sorry if im a little goofy here too!

[nottrustin]

I don't think the relationship is fake...it is a real relationship that is different from many others. I don't think people can fake caring and compassion it is there or it is not. Often they get to know you in a very intimate (not sexual) way that is very real. The relationship is pretty one sided but very real non the less.

T and I have a very unique relationship. Based upon descriptions here we have what would be considered a dual relationship but we are able to keep the 2 worlds very separate. If she calls my work because we have a client in common she "sees" the professional me. If she sees me outside of therapy and sessions she "sees" the public me. If she sees me with my children she "sees" the mother who is running around crazy to make sure everybody's where they need to be. In her office I am a totally different me it is the person who struggles and has a lot of baggage.

Likewise T is pretty different outside of her sessions. She is always caring and compassionate but sometimes it comes off differently as the boundaries are different.

[CantExplain]

Therapy forces you to re-examine your ideas about what is and is not a real relationship.
That is useful, I think.

Nevertheless, it can be taken too far.

[iheartjacques]

I just think of it as a safe place to dump my carp that I can't talk to anyone else about. And it doesn't hurt that he's a kind, attractive T who listens without ever judging.

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I'm going through a period where my relationship with my T seems fake. I know we've discussed it being one sided. It's like I allow myself to get close and then want to pull away when I see it's one sided. I compare it to a friendship or relationship where you feel close to that person but get a sense they don't feel the same way. So you distance yourself and realize it's not going to work. How do I get past this?
She helped me realize last session that I don't like sharing my feelings because I may lose that person which we related to my fear of her transferring me or me losing her. Being close to her has been an ongoing battle. She has asked why several times but last time she asked "why is it a bad thing". It was the closest she's gotten to telling me it's ok.

Sorry my post is long. I am the same way. I find myself starting to feel attachment and I back away. I just try to keep focused on what I am there for and view it only as a business relationship. This is easier said then done. Anytime i start feeling attached, I force myself to look at this reality. I have even gone as far as to make a list of actions that prove she does not really care. Let's face it, no matter what they say, if you woke up tomorrow penniless and could not afford your sessions, i a sure you would find out how much they truly care about you. Even if they could not allow you a free session, I bet they would not even call to check on you at some later date. They have lots of patients, chances are they may not remember you. Out of sight, out of mind. Actions speak louder than words. I think the advice they offer is real, and they may feel some empathy but I am sure some of it is an act.

Regarding her question, why attachment is a bad thing, I think it depends on what you're in therapy for. I don't think it would be in any patient's best interest to become unnecessarily attached. With, the therapy I am working on, it is not necessary to become attached. I honestly don't need her to care, in order to help me get my life in order. I would prefer it, but even if she were to say it, I know I would not believe it anyway. I would ask her why she thinks it's important to have attachment to her. How will this improve your therapy.
It certainly can hurt to become too attached and it can be harmful. I have heard stories where the therapist abandoned their client leaving them in severe distress and unable to function. One person said their therapist promised they would not do that, then they did. The advice was to report them. Well that's not going to take away the pain. Also when patients become too attached, they may find they are becoming more dependent on the therapist. So when they have an issue and the therapist does not respond they are in severe distress. I am sure you have seen many posts on here as example of this. Therapy should focus on how you can help yourself.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Therapy forces you to re-examine your ideas about what is and is not a real relationship.
That is useful, I think.

That's a really good thought which I will save. Thank you.