[catgrl]

I live in a rural area, so there are not many therapists, let alone PhD level psychologists around, especially ones that take my insurance. When my psychiatrist referred me, I was thrilled to finally go to therapy, as I have never been yet have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Thus, I was hopeful, perhaps had some wishful thinking, and did not know what is appropriate/not as far as therapy.

I've been seeing my therapist for almost 6 months now, and from the very beginning, much of our therapy sessions are spent with her telling me about her life. At first I thought she was just trying to make me feel comfortable, but as time has gone on, she has shared more and more, and I find myself having to at times interrupt her to talk about me. I also feel as if my therapy is more self-directed. Maybe this is good and normal, I'm not sure, but I bring up issues to discuss in my life. She does not seem to probe or ask questions, and when she does, it seems about details which are not important or therapeutic, but perhaps things that she is personally interested in.

On the other hand, she is supportive, tells me my efforts in my life are going well, etc., so this leaves me confused as to what to do. I have made improvements in my life since seeing her, but sometimes feel like I'm the listener, or like she steers conversations towards superficial things.

I was just wondering how other people's experiences are during therapy. Do therapists normally share about their lives? Do they normally talk about things that are not necessarily therapeutic, for instance that type of back and forth which friends or acquaintances participate in? Should I know about her life, her own anxiety issues, for instance?

Thanks in advance for your input!

[coolibrarian]

I'm sorry your choice of therapists is limited in your area, but I would try to find a new one. This one doesn't seem like the right fit. Therapy should be about you, not her.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by catgrl

I live in a rural area, so there are not many therapists, let alone PhD level psychologists around, especially ones that take my insurance. When my psychiatrist referred me, I was thrilled to finally go to therapy, as I have never been yet have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Thus, I was hopeful, perhaps had some wishful thinking, and did not know what is appropriate/not as far as therapy.

I've been seeing my therapist for almost 6 months now, and from the very beginning, much of our therapy sessions are spent with her telling me about her life. At first I thought she was just trying to make me feel comfortable, but as time has gone on, she has shared more and more, and I find myself having to at times interrupt her to talk about me. I also feel as if my therapy is more self-directed. Maybe this is good and normal, I'm not sure, but I bring up issues to discuss in my life. She does not seem to probe or ask questions, and when she does, it seems about details which are not important or therapeutic, but perhaps things that she is personally interested in.

On the other hand, she is supportive, tells me my efforts in my life are going well, etc., so this leaves me confused as to what to do. I have made improvements in my life since seeing her, but sometimes feel like I'm the listener, or like she steers conversations towards superficial things.

I was just wondering how other people's experiences are during therapy. Do therapists normally share about their lives? Do they normally talk about things that are not necessarily therapeutic, for instance that type of back and forth which friends or acquaintances participate in? Should I know about her life, her own anxiety issues, for instance?

Thanks in advance for your input!

My therapist speaks about things that aren't mental illness related or related to my specific issues, but it's to help me calm down and to normalize our relationship, such as when I am struggling and need a break from the harder topics which can be destabilizing, or just need to know she's real and trustworthy and that we see each other as people instead of me as just an issue.

So, I don't think sharing is inappropriate, I think the real concern, as you alluded to, is the purpose and the amount. Is what she's sharing to help you? It's fine for her to share she's dealt with anxiety if it helps you feel more comfortable or like she can understand yours if you have anxiety, but not if she's just chattering for no discernable reason.

Have you brought up any of these concerns with her? This is how you'll find out her goals, if any, regarding what she shares, and give her the feedback she needs to offer you more helpful treatment.

Then, if that doesn't help, you'll be clearer and more comfortable trying to find someone new I think.

[Lauliza]

If she talks too much about her personal life that's not a good thing. Chit chat to warm up or connect is fine, I think. But if it's excessive then it's not really therapy. I saw a marriage therapist (a PhD) who did that all the time. He was fun to talk to, but we never got around to working on the issues we were there for and wasn't as much help as it should have been. It became an annoyance after a while and we quit.

[emptyspace]

If she continues to talk about herself, that is a red flag.
6 months is too long to be talking about herself. Therapy is about YOU, not the T.

I would write her a letter and tell her that it is bothersome. If she can not stop, find a new T.
She may think you want to hear about her. Tell her about your feelings, why it is distracting, etc.

She may be more humanistic, but it sounds as if she is sharing too much.
I have been very clear with my therapists that I don't want to hear about them and I tell them why.

As for direction in therapy.... it depends on the type of therapy you want. I direct all my therapy. There is never an agenda and my T rarely brings up a topic. T might say "So how's it been since I last saw you" or something like that.

There are therapy types, like CBT, which are very directive. Homework, agenda, etc.

As your relationship gets better, it gets easier to talk, but it can take time. I have gone 3 times a week for almost a year and I still just touch the surface of things, nothing deep. I still don't trust the T enough. But since my therapy is self-directed, I can take all the time I want or need.

[HazelGirl]

If you're feeling limited because you feel like you need a therapist with a doctorate, most studies have concluded that the level of education does not impact the quality of therapy or the outcome.

[NowhereUSA]

If you feel like you have to interject to talk about you, she's talking too much about herself.

i have a t that is cool with self-disclosure and whatnot. we'll talk about him if it's pertinent or if i ask but it's never a whole lot of discussion and sometimes (i'm his last appt of the day), he'll sit and chat with me an extra few minutes (we share a shared interest in movies and tv shows).

i would find another therapist. a phd isn't a necessity. mine does have one, but the two that run my dbt group don't.

[skeksi]

I also think it's a red flag. My T rarely speaks about himself, unless it's directly related to something I am experiencing, and even then it's just 1-2 sentences.

[kiwi33]

Hi catgrl

I feel very uneasy about what you have described.

It sounds to me like what is called "counter-transference" - when a therapist sees one of his/her clients as a personal friend.

Counter-transference is not a good basis for a helpful therapeutic relationship. I think that it is important that a therapist, while showing empathy, maintains professional detachment.

In my case my psychiatrist and clinical psychologist will sometimes share details of their private lives but *only* in the context of an issue that I am working on with them - I think that is appropriate in the context of a professional therapeutic relationship but not otherwise.

[catgrl]

I just wanted to thank all of you for your input. It's much more clear now looking back at all of our discussions that this has not been a healthy therapist client relationship. My therapist has even admitted she talks too much at one point, and I just get the feeling she wants my approval or my admiration or something. I just thought it was a technique she was using or something, but there should be no reason why she should be adding so much to the conversation that has nothing to do with my issues (she's even complained a few times about other patients without telling me who they were).

Now to the part I'm not looking forward to - telling her I no longer want to see her anymore. I hate confrontations (that's one of the many issues I sought therapy for).

Thanks again!

[amandalouise]

catgirl your profile says you are here in the USA...here in the USA each state has their own governing body that over sees treatment providers. its called a state board. if you think this treatment provider is sharing too much about herself and not doing her job of listening to you and helping you with your problems your states board of clinical social workers can help you with this problem. they can investigate and make it so that this therapist understands what her job is and how she is supposed to do it for your location. like with any job in mental health there is also a ranking system where employees have a supervisor and case managers that also helps to over see things. to get in contact with this therapists supervisor to let them know you are having this kind of problem all you need to do is contact the agency just like you would do or did to schedule your first appointment and ask to speak to a supervisor. that supervisor will have a talk with the treatment provider about what her job is according to the rules/guidelines for the agency they are working for.

you can also ask for a meeting with your psychiatrist, this therapist and any supervisor on the case. this will also get your problem with this therapist addressed and taken care of.

if this treatment provider is in private practice and doesnt have a supervisor in the agency then te person to go through is the state ethics board. here in the USA treatment providers have to give their clients a form telling them what the treatment providers rights and responsibilities and what the clients rights and responsibilities are and also contact /complaint information. check on those papers and they will tell you what you need to do to fix this kind of problem that may be what is called a breach of ethics.

ultimately though know that some locations it is completely ok for treatment providers to have a more friendly type client therapist relationship. there are all kinds of treatment providers and not everyone follows the same demeanor/tone/way of how they conduct their therapy sessions. some are very friendly and are the way you describe and others are hard ball/formal/by the book we only talk about you/strict....what ever you want to call it. it may take some time to work things out due to your locations limitations but eventually you will find the right fit for treatment providers for you.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by catgrl

I just wanted to thank all of you for your input. It's much more clear now looking back at all of our discussions that this has not been a healthy therapist client relationship. My therapist has even admitted she talks too much at one point, and I just get the feeling she wants my approval or my admiration or something. I just thought it was a technique she was using or something, but there should be no reason why she should be adding so much to the conversation that has nothing to do with my issues (she's even complained a few times about other patients without telling me who they were).

Now to the part I'm not looking forward to - telling her I no longer want to see her anymore. I hate confrontations (that's one of the many issues I sought therapy for).

Thanks again!

I think it's a good idea that you're going to stop seeing her. Just put a lot of research into finding a new T. If there are online reviews or recommendations from clinics or other people that could be really helpful.

If you are dreading talking to your T about this you really don't have to. If you feel you should or that it would be helpful to you in terms of learning how to confront people then of course that's your choice, but you're not obligated to do anything. Therapists have clients that just stop showing up all the time. You can just opt to not make any more appointments or cancel any you've made in advance.

[emptyspace]

I think you are making the right decision. It has been going on too long to be a "technique."

If you don't want to confront her, try this: call her voicemail late at night and say you won't be returning. Next... don't answer her phone calls. The end.

This is avoidance, BUT if you have no connection to this therapist, who cares.
If you need closure, schedule a last session and write her note.

Good luck.

[kiwi33]

I think that you have made a wise decision.

I hope that your meeting with your (ex)-therapist isn't too hard for you.