[InRealLife45]

I am just awake at 10:55 after sleeping fitfully last night. I fell in and out of a dream where I had this pain inside my body no one could figure put what it was, and I would just scream and scream and scream, and places on my skin would undulate and move but no one knew why. When the pain was greatest, there was someone there, a woman, I didn't know who she was but she would appear when I started to scream and come from behind me and wrap her arms around me from behind and hold me and rock me till the screaming stopped. She never had a face, I never saw her face.

Later in the dream she figured out how to get "it" out of me- they were these tiny worms that were half biological and half mechanical that were burrowing deeper and deeper into my body, and once they reached my vital organs they would kill me. She got a magnetic vest and wrapped it around me while she held me and sang something I can't remember in my ear while the worms were pulled back from their path by the vests attraction to their mechanical parts, and once they were out, she (and others) began to pull them out with tweezers and put them into biohazard containers, and then the pain would be gone and I would stop screaming.

But they would appear inside my body again, and again and again and the procedure had to be repeated frequently, so much that it seemed I was always just screaming, and there were very few days of reprieve in between.

My dogs woke me up then, and whatever else I remembered of the dream has faded away now, but it feels like a therapy metaphor. Like the worms are the things I can't talk about that are eating me away inside and will ultimately kill me (eating disorder, cutting, suicide) if I don't find a way to get them out of my body and the longer they stay in there writhing around the more damage they do. The "treatments" to pull them out is my twice a week therapy sessions, and the pain the rest of the time are my non contact days.

The other curious thing is the woman who was holding me as I screamed- in the dream I felt sure it was NOT my T, but she hasn't held me that way for over a year, and I remember thinking to myself "This isn't T, because T would never touch me like this in this new place." (I wanted to do something to her last session that she had let me do before- throw some egg carton confetti at her-and she said "no, we were past that, we were in a whole new place now" and I kind of took it to mean she didn't love me anymore, she was past that mistake now.)

[ThisWayOut]

interesting dream... could work as a therapy metaphore (at least, I understand the way you explained it, it mkes sense).

[blur]

maybe it's also how i think you've said your T seems different to you, almost like a different person, with all the crazy energy healing (magnetic) stuff that she is now into.

[growlycat]

Next session, can you ask her what she means by "we are in a whole new place"?

I don't know what to make of that statement but it seems worrisome.

To me, the part of the dream about the "half biological half mechanical" worms could mean both emotionally and technically (therapeutic technique) your T is hurting you.

The repetitive nature of the agony reminds me of the repetitive pain of your T relationship. Doing the same thing over and over will not help you.

The singing reminded me of your T's seemingly off kilter personality (at least based n the couple of videos I saw. I agree about the new-agey stuff being highly suspect.

[blur]

Originally Posted by growlycat

To me, the part of the dream about the "half biological half mechanical" worms could mean both emotionally and technically (therapeutic technique) your T is hurting you.

The repetitive nature of the agony reminds me of the repetitive pain of your T relationship. Doing the same thing over and over will not help you.

The singing reminded me of your T's seemingly off kilter personality (at least based n the couple of videos I saw. I agree about the new-agey stuff being highly suspect.

i have to admit this is what i thought as well but wasn't sure if i should post it. irl, i think your T thinks she can help you with this energy healing, but imo it is neither innocuous nor healing but actually causing you repeated harm both by its very nature and the fact that she is trying to force it on you. jmo.

[growlycat]

I only say it cause I care IRL!!!!

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Next session, can you ask her what she means by "we are in a whole new place"?

I don't know what to make of that statement but it seems worrisome.

To me, the part of the dream about the "half biological half mechanical" worms could mean both emotionally and technically (therapeutic technique) your T is hurting you.

The repetitive nature of the agony reminds me of the repetitive pain of your T relationship. Doing the same thing over and over will not help you.

The singing reminded me of your T's seemingly off kilter personality (at least based n the couple of videos I saw. I agree about the new-agey stuff being highly suspect.

This is definitely an interpretation that hadn't occurred to me. I will suggest them both to her at my next session on tuesday. I think she is now understanding that I'm not interested in the energy stuff, based on our last convo (stated she'll use empirically validated techniques with me from now on). But I guess it remains to be seen.

Originally Posted by blur

i have to admit this is what i thought as well but wasn't sure if i should post it. irl, i think your T thinks she can help you with this energy healing, but imo it is neither innocuous nor healing but actually causing you repeated harm both by its very nature and the fact that she is trying to force it on you. jmo.

I'm hoping I finally got through to her about not pushing the energy stuff anymore. Ever since I "reminded" her that I have recordings of her fighting with me in session, she has been better about what she says to me. I can't help but feel like its bc she knows she was inappropriate before, rather than being genuine. I just don't know though. AsiaBlue told me to stop being suspicious of her motives for a minute and just go with it.

I hear your concerns though, growly and blur. I am not ignoring them. I am just trying to see if theres any way I can stay with her. I think my anger (now tamed by the Latuda) was a huge barrier in our interactions together, but I feel better able to control it now.

[blur]

irl, glad to hear that you are feeling better with the new med and your sessions have gone so much better. i have said a few prayers for you lately.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

I am just awake at 10:55 after sleeping fitfully last night. I fell in and out of a dream where I had this pain inside my body no one could figure put what it was, and I would just scream and scream and scream, and places on my skin would undulate and move but no one knew why. When the pain was greatest, there was someone there, a woman, I didn't know who she was but she would appear when I started to scream and come from behind me and wrap her arms around me from behind and hold me and rock me till the screaming stopped. She never had a face, I never saw her face.

Later in the dream she figured out how to get "it" out of me- they were these tiny worms that were half biological and half mechanical that were burrowing deeper and deeper into my body, and once they reached my vital organs they would kill me. She got a magnetic vest and wrapped it around me while she held me and sang something I can't remember in my ear while the worms were pulled back from their path by the vests attraction to their mechanical parts, and once they were out, she (and others) began to pull them out with tweezers and put them into biohazard containers, and then the pain would be gone and I would stop screaming.

But they would appear inside my body again, and again and again and the procedure had to be repeated frequently, so much that it seemed I was always just screaming, and there were very few days of reprieve in between.

My dogs woke me up then, and whatever else I remembered of the dream has faded away now, but it feels like a therapy metaphor. Like the worms are the things I can't talk about that are eating me away inside and will ultimately kill me (eating disorder, cutting, suicide) if I don't find a way to get them out of my body and the longer they stay in there writhing around the more damage they do. The "treatments" to pull them out is my twice a week therapy sessions, and the pain the rest of the time are my non contact days.

The other curious thing is the woman who was holding me as I screamed- in the dream I felt sure it was NOT my T, but she hasn't held me that way for over a year, and I remember thinking to myself "This isn't T, because T would never touch me like this in this new place." (I wanted to do something to her last session that she had let me do before- throw some egg carton confetti at her-and she said "no, we were past that, we were in a whole new place now" and I kind of took it to mean she didn't love me anymore, she was past that mistake now.)

Great dream! I hope you are going to share the dream and your analysis of it with your T.

It's said that we play all parts in our dreams. So perhaps you are the one in pain and also the comforter of the one in pain?