[Solepa]

I am having hard time right now and having the urge to cancel next session on Thursday due to email disappointment. But before I do I wanted to share my situation and thoughts here and maybe reconsider if you look at it differently.

I like rules and I am good with keeping within them usually. So when my T (during first session) told me I can email between sessions but she does not reply as a rule unless there is an emergency it was pretty clear and I had no problem with it.
So I did send email from time to time and did not expect an answer. This worked well for 4 months.

BUT three sessions ago my T said to me " I am sorry I did not reply to your email". I was surprised and told her I did not expect any reply so no need for apology. We did not talk about it anymore.
Then she told me I can write to her if I need encouragement in my current situation which is very stressful for me and it is hard to keep the anxiety in check. I was thinking she might loosen up on her rule then to not answer and is willing to give me encouragement if I need it for the time being?

Now three weeks later I found myself in that situation having a really bad day and send her email asking for few kind words if she could.
I got no reply. I know she checked her email as she always does around 6 pm the day before she works as that is when we can cancel if we need to.
So I am not going to get reply and that means the rule is there as it was stated before.

I would never break the rule if I did not think it was suggested I could and ask for an answer. I feel completely stupid now. Like asking for something I am not suppose to have and I should know better. I am so embarrassed I want to cancel my session this week so I don´t have to see her.

I feel like now it is messed up on so many levels. What is with the rule then? Why she suggested something outside of this rule ? Can I count on the other rules to stay intact?
Does she care if she leaves me hanging feeling ****** like this knowing I do?
And mainly I feel so stupid for thinking she would do something outside of the rule for me, believing I am somehow worth it.

I know I am probably overreacting but can anybody relate to feeling so bad about this kind of situation?

[HazelGirl]

You didn't mess up. Your T did, by changing the rules.

But something like this isn't a reason to throw away all the work you've done. What you need to do is show up and discuss it and work out what is going on.

Also, examine why it is so important to you to "follow the rules" perfectly. That's probably very significant in therapy and in your relationships.

[iheartjacques]

Sounds like she said you could write so that you can process what you're going through, but she didn't actually say she would reply?

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Sounds like she said you could write so that you can process what you're going through, but she didn't actually say she would reply?

See I don´t know if the words are same as English is not my first language. But she said that I can write to her if I need encouragement. Which in my language suggest she would reply to encourage me... It is not as straight forward as saying I will reply but it kinda suggests the same thing. Also she said that during the same session in which she apologised for not answering my previous email which suggested answer is an option??

Nothing she said is 100% straight forward saying she will respond so that is why she can easily say she never changed the rule and would make me feel really stupid.

[iheartjacques]

I guess she stuffed that one up. Can you ask her not to do that again and just stick to the rules.

[someone321]

I'm sorry your T messed up. My T does the opposite (she says that she won't respond and then she does it but usually her response is much worse than no response) and I really do not like when she says one thing but does another - it's confusing.

I hope that you won't cancel your appointment though but go and discuss it with your T and see what she'll say about it... I think the way how Ts solve misunderstandings/ruptures says really a lot about T and the prognosis of working together... Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Solepa]

Thank you all very much for a feedback.

I am starting to think my T might did it on purpose. We did not have any conflict or misunderstanding yet and I don´t act emotionally most times so there are usually calm sessions you know talking but nothing significant really.
If she believes that there needs to be some emotions to move forward and improve etc. she maybe wanted to get more out there. To hit a nerve? She knows how I am with rules and how important (in unhealthy way I realize) they are for me.

Hm.....

[iheartjacques]

I don't think it was on purpose. She apologised for not replying. She might really have forgotten.

[HazelGirl]

I definitely don't think it was on purpose. Most T's don't purposely do things like that.

[anilam]

Yeah, I hope so too... Very manipulative way to bring up a topic:/
It's not a biggie but def would be a good idea to talk it over (using the session you feel like canceling )

[ThisWayOut]

AnOther thing to think about: perhaps t did not have time to respond in the way she would like at the time of reading your email and had since gotten distracted or forgotten about it? I know I do that sometimes when I can't respond to a text or message in the moment. I have every intention of getting back to it, but other things come up and I may forget. It's not the greatest coming from a t rather than a friend, but t's are human also.
Another option may simply be that she has not yet read your email for some reason (something came up, out if the office, knowing that the time stamp on the email would be enough to verify that a client cancels by 6 pm even if t did not check her email until the following day...)

I was in this situation once. It turned out my T had been ill.

I hope it turns out to be something similar for you.