[HazelGirl]

I don't know why my T puts up with me.

I texted her and told her about how much I feel like a weirdo all the time, and about how I can't relate to people normally. I told her about how I was called weird as a child for random things, like my love of different textures and fabrics (for example, I spent a good amount of time this morning squishing my memory foam pillow because I liked the way it felt), or how I always eat with my hands (again, a tactile and texture thing). And I told her that I know I am weird and I feel like a freak.

She responded by saying I'm not weird (umm...hello? Did you not hear what I said about squishing the memory foam pillow for like an hour?).

And I responded by saying I didn't believe her, and she was "supposed" to say that, no matter what her true opinion was.

And now I feel awful. I accused her of lying and of being dishonest while harboring negative thoughts about me. I hate myself sometimes.

[HazelGirl]

Just sent an apology text right after writing this. I still feel horrible. But hopefully, I explained my frustration.

She is nothing but kind, and I am terribly awful sometimes

[stopdog]

Are you seeking agreement about how the act was awful or dissuasion that you are not awful? I am serious - I don't know what kind of response to give here.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Are you seeking agreement about how the act was awful or dissuasion that you are not awful? I am serious - I don't know what kind of response to give here.

Honestly, I don't know. I just feel bad and need to say that, like confess or something.

[ThisWayOut]

I think it's easy to think t's are not genuine, but it doesn't mean they are not. I spent a good chunk of our session yesterday telling t how scared I was that she would hold all these judgements about me if I told her stuff. She spent a good deal of time trying to convince me she is not that type of t.
we carry a lot of our last into t with us, and sometimes it's difficult to see that they are not the people of our last we fear them to be... yeah, some are really inept and jerks, but most are not.
Also, neither of the things you mentioned as being weird are weird to me... many cultures will eat with their hands, and I'm all about textures and how things feel when I manipulate them. Some days I spend hours rotating a beanie baby through my hands because I like how the stuff inside feels when it slides around. Yesterday I refused to touch something because of how it felt.
(Hugs)

[IndestructibleGirl]

I don't think you sound weird either. Tactile-ness (tactility?..) is really important to some of us. Others less so. Neither is 'right'. I have synaesthesia, and it makes for all kinds of chance pleasures and displeasures in terms of the senses.

When I was a child, I would get really upset if anyone tried to put clothes on me that had dots or spots or stripes on I have got over this now and quite like both dots and stripes in clothes.

i do the same things, sensory issues. am i weird or a freak?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I think it's easy to think t's are not genuine, but it doesn't mean they are not. I spent a good chunk of our session yesterday telling t how scared I was that she would hold all these judgements about me if I told her stuff. She spent a good deal of time trying to convince me she is not that type of t.
we carry a lot of our last into t with us, and sometimes it's difficult to see that they are not the people of our last we fear them to be... yeah, some are really inept and jerks, but most are not.
Also, neither of the things you mentioned as being weird are weird to me... many cultures will eat with their hands, and I'm all about textures and how things feel when I manipulate them. Some days I spend hours rotating a beanie baby through my hands because I like how the stuff inside feels when it slides around. Yesterday I refused to touch something because of how it felt.
(Hugs)

I love beads in stuffed animals, too. The sounds and the feeling of the beads as they move is really satisfying (for lack of a better word). I sometimes crave certain textures or fabrics to feel or squish or ran my hand along. I think my intense fascination with most of it is really weird. I like the contrast between rough and soft things, between hard and squishy things. Sand paper versus silk, or concrete versus carpet or a pillow. Walking along the floors in my apartment is fun because I will walk on the cool linoleum, feel the cracks in the floor, and the hard smooth tile, and then walk on the carpet, feel the fuzzy, soft strands, and maybe even feel a crumb or tiny outside artifact that has made it's way into the carpet. I think that's all really weird.

Outside of touch, certain smells, tastes, sounds, etc... are extremely bothersome to me, when they're not to others. I feel like I experience everything very intensely and have always been called weird for it.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I don't think you sound weird either. Tactile-ness (tactility?..) is really important to some of us. Others less so. Neither is 'right'. I have synaesthesia, and it makes for all kinds of chance pleasures and displeasures in terms of the senses.

When I was a child, I would get really upset if anyone tried to put clothes on me that had dots or spots or stripes on I have got over this now and quite like both dots and stripes in clothes.

Hmm...I googled that. That would be a trippy way to experience the world. But also probably fascinating.

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

i do the same things, sensory issues. am i weird or a freak?

I don't know. Maybe? See above on more of my sensory nuances. I have really weird senses.

[sweepy62]

Are you kidding!!!!!!!! I eat with my hands, want to hear weird , because you are not weird, want to know something, im going to be vulnurable right now, just for you. I am a bit socially awkward but my friends put up with it, this is how i eat a pizza, I eat the toppings off the slice first, then i eat the cheese off of it, then i eat the rest of it. So I seperate my pizza into 3 categories. Next: a sandwich, if its on hero bread, I take the all the crust off the bread, leaving it bare, showing only the white of the bread. Then I eat it. This is at home as well as a restaurant. So no you are not weird, just different with textures and stuff.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Are you kidding!!!!!!!! I eat with my hands, want to hear weird , because you are not weird, want to know something, im going to be vulnurable right now, just for you. I am a bit socially awkward but my friends put up with it, this is how i eat a pizza, I eat the toppings off the slice first, then i eat the cheese off of it, then i eat the rest of it. So I seperate my pizza into 3 categories. Next: a sandwich, if its on hero bread, I take the all the crust off the bread, leaving it bare, showing only the white of the bread. Then I eat it. This is at home as well as a restaurant. So no you are not weird, just different with textures and stuff.

I do all of those, except I hate cheese, so I pull the cheese off and leave it on the plate.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I do all of those, except I hate cheese, so I pull the cheese off and leave it on the plate.

lol, and also when i am served at a restaurant,i dont like when my food touch other foods, or not ocd but i get annoyed. also i have to eat them seperately. One more vulnerable thing, you might think im really NUTS now. Here it goes, I need to smell my food before i take the first bite.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I do all of those, except I hate cheese, so I pull the cheese off and leave it on the plate.

How can you hate cheese!!! This is a cause for real concern, maybe you ARE a weirdo after all

(I'm just kidding, obviously! though I genuinely could not live without cheese)

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't know why my T puts up with me.

I texted her and told her about how much I feel like a weirdo all the time, and about how I can't relate to people normally. I told her about how I was called weird as a child for random things, like my love of different textures and fabrics (for example, I spent a good amount of time this morning squishing my memory foam pillow because I liked the way it felt), or how I always eat with my hands (again, a tactile and texture thing). And I told her that I know I am weird and I feel like a freak.

She responded by saying I'm not weird (umm...hello? Did you not hear what I said about squishing the memory foam pillow for like an hour?).

And I responded by saying I didn't believe her, and she was "supposed" to say that, no matter what her true opinion was.

And now I feel awful. I accused her of lying and of being dishonest while harboring negative thoughts about me. I hate myself sometimes.

idk, squishing a memory foam pillow sounds like a nice comforting way to pass some time. I love OTish fidget toys... I love to watch airplanes taking off too (my work is literally across the fence from the runway). The sight/sound/vibration of it gives me goosebumps and makes me cry a little. Am I weird? I think so, but I *like* being weird. I enjoy these things, and if that means I'm weird, then so be it, and anyone who thinks that's a problem, well, they're the ones with the problem IMNSHO.

As for feeling awful about accusing her... Well, you've seen my thread about how I was kinda accusing my T of forgetting my appt. on purpose. It's not her, really, she knows that, she's you're T and she's attuned to you. I think you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to say exactly what you were thinking to her. I know I'm not that brave. I'm too afraid of my T rejecting me. Bottom line, you trust your T, and that takes brass ones, so to speak.

[kororain]

They all called me weird when I was a kid too. My best friend always said, "You're not weird. You're unique."

Hazel, you're unique.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

lol, and also when i am served at a restaurant,i dont like when my food touch other foods, or not ocd but i get annoyed. also i have to eat them seperately. One more vulnerable thing, you might think im really NUTS now. Here it goes, I need to smell my food before i take the first bite.

I ask for separate plates for everything at restaurants. I can't handle it if a pea gets into my mashed potatoes, or beef juice from a steak touches my dinner roll.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

How can you hate cheese!!! This is a cause for real concern, maybe you ARE a weirdo after all

(I'm just kidding, obviously! though I genuinely could not live without cheese)

Haha, EVERYONE says that. The flavor is too strong. I can't tolerate how overpowering it is in EVERYTHING.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

idk, squishing a memory foam pillow sounds like a nice comforting way to pass some time. I love OTish fidget toys... I love to watch airplanes taking off too (my work is literally across the fence from the runway). The sight/sound/vibration of it gives me goosebumps and makes me cry a little. Am I weird? I think so, but I *like* being weird. I enjoy these things, and if that means I'm weird, then so be it, and anyone who thinks that's a problem, well, they're the ones with the problem IMNSHO.

As for feeling awful about accusing her... Well, you've seen my thread about how I was kinda accusing my T of forgetting my appt. on purpose. It's not her, really, she knows that, she's you're T and she's attuned to you. I think you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to say exactly what you were thinking to her. I know I'm not that brave. I'm too afraid of my T rejecting me. Bottom line, you trust your T, and that takes brass ones, so to speak.

I guess it's the shame from being told I'm weird by my parents and them acting embarrassed to have me in public or be related to me because of it. I feel like these are things about myself that I need to hide because, as my mom used to say, no guy would be attracted to someone who eats with their hands.

As for being brave, I don't know. More just blunt and speaking before I think. She has told me many times before that she doesn't and wouldn't ever lie to me. And so it makes me feel even worse to accuse her of doing so.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by kororain

They all called me weird when I was a kid too. My best friend always said, "You're not weird. You're unique."

Hazel, you're unique.

I just posted another comment, but like I said above, I think it has to do with my parents being embarrassed by me when I was younger, like they hated being related to me or being forced to take me places because I would act weird.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

lol, and also when i am served at a restaurant,i dont like when my food touch other foods, or not ocd but i get annoyed. also i have to eat them seperately. One more vulnerable thing, you might think im really NUTS now. Here it goes, I need to smell my food before i take the first bite.

Both my brother and I are the same way! I only found out about his preference maybe 3 years ago, but, yeah, we can't have our foods touch each other. I've sent back stuff because it was touching, or refused the meal if I was in a particularly picky mood (sometimes having things *wrong* turns me into a nightmarish 3 year old who cries hysterically because there is sauce on my roll... my wife has started to just take the food off my plate and eat it herself instead of witnesses a meltdown). Like HazelGirl, I will order stuff on separate plates, or just leave little "walls" of uneaten food. I've gotten a bit better over the years, but it's still a pain to eat out if they unexpectedly mix my foods.

I have a good friend who organizes her french fries in order from short to long and then eats them in that order. I myself refuse to eat raw celery or mushrooms purely because of their texture. I shudder at the thought of eating even one bite of raw celery. But I love tapioca, because of it's texture. We're all just wonderfully different, that's all!

Oh and I can tell when my husband really likes the taste of what he's eating, because he closes his eyes while he's chewing!

[sweepy62]

It's nice to know that it's ok to be vulnerable here I haven't even told t yet about this. Yes I have many quirks. Hazelgirl your fine. I think the rest of the world is not. Lol .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I have a good friend who organizes her french fries in order from short to long and then eats them in that order. I myself refuse to eat raw celery or mushrooms purely because of their texture. I shudder at the thought of eating even one bite of raw celery. But I love tapioca, because of it's texture. We're all just wonderfully different, that's all!

I eat mine long to short, but i dont touch them all first to sort them - THAT would be weird!

[kororain]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I just posted another comment, but like I said above, I think it has to do with my parents being embarrassed by me when I was younger, like they hated being related to me or being forced to take me places because I would act weird.

Your parents were clearly being assholes by treating you that way. It sounds like a lot of shaming behavior on their part, which reflects more on them than on you.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I guess it's the shame from being told I'm weird by my parents and them acting embarrassed to have me in public or be related to me because of it. I feel like these are things about myself that I need to hide because, as my mom used to say, no guy would be attracted to someone who eats with their hands.

As for being brave, I don't know. More just blunt and speaking before I think. She has told me many times before that she doesn't and wouldn't ever lie to me. And so it makes me feel even worse to accuse her of doing so.

My mom used to tell me to stop doing things like playing with my hair and putting my fingers in my mouth because 'that's what the crazy people on the psych ward do'. She was a nurse, not a psych nurse, but she did have a psych rotation in nursing school. Got some real empathy there mom...

And you are brave for being blunt. Much of the time I'm completely tongue tied because I just -can't- speak without thinking and predicting the consequences as much as possible.

[HazelGirl]

It's just confusing and difficult to try to change everything now.

[AustenFan]

Well what do you mean by eating with your hands? Do you eat mashed potatoes with your hands? Do you eat steak with your hands? Do you use silverware for anything at all? I may be the opposite of you, LOL, I eat cupcakes and muffins with a fork! :-)