[grimtopaz]

I have been seeing my therapist for a year and a half, and for the most part, I think we have a good therapeutic relationship.

In therapy, I have been working on my core belief that I am "unlikable/unlovable". She mentioned that "in here, you are not unlikable." This upset me a bit since I know that is very different from being likable, but I appreciate her honesty (she's not particularly warm and fuzzy).

I then asked "do you think there are people who are unlikable?". Her response was "That is a very good question. There are people *I* don't like." I said "of course." Then she said "well, I guess that people who commit atrocities against humanity are unlikable".

I said "well, I'm glad you think I'm more likable than people who commit atrocities against humanities. I think I'll quote you on Facebook as an affirming quote of the day" She assumed I was joking and laughed - certainly the Facebook part was a joke.

Her comment really bothered me since essentially being told that I'm not unlikable because I do not commit atrocities is pretty much an insult.

I told my husband about the comment and he said - "of course your therapist doesn't like you, if you were your own patient, you would dislike yourself too."

His mother was a successful psychologist, and she would tell him that she disliked her patients/her job and would do it for the money and because she liked the independence of being her own boss. That also depresses me as heck.

Anyway, what would you guys think if your T made those comments?

[RedSun]

Hmmm, I think maybe she was clarifying the difference between people who are unlike able, by everyone, ie those who commit atrocities, and that there are people that she doesn't like, as everyone doesn't like everyone. If that makes sense. And I guess she was saying that, as you present yourself in therapy, you are likeable.
Tbh, your h doesn't sound that helpful. Why would you dislike you if you were a client? And I know lots of T's and I don't know any who just do it for the money, or who don't care about their clients. Maybe your h needs therapy with a mum like that

HI grimtopaz
I don't believe your T was saying those things in relation to you. I think your dislike of yourself colored much of the conversation. You said she isn't "warm & fuzzy" so this leads me to believe she WAS attempting to be helpful within the confines of her therapeutic personality.
The things your H said, sound like his issue. Nothing really to do with you or your T, but from his past interactions with his mother. Just my opinion, though. I hope you can be kind to yourself.

[guilloche]

Grimtopaz... I have to agree with Calista... I think your own dislike of yourself is influencing how you're hearing your T's comments.

But I started trying to write out more, and realize the whole thing is making my head spin a little. I wonder why your T would say "not unlikeable" rather than just "likeable" - when from a language perspective, they should be identical? That might be worth asking her about, if there was a reason she chose to phrase it that way? Could it be that she was just trying to say that you think "X" (X=unlikeable) and she perceives you as "NOT X!" (not unlikeable)? I agree that it would have been a bit more reassuring for her to actually say that you're likeable, but maybe she wants you to get to that point yourself, rather than rely on her for it? I don't know.

And OMG - tell your husband to just stop with the unhelpful comments, please. Seriously. I do not believe that all therapists dislike their patients (!) and "do it for the money". I've read that actually therapists tend to like their patients, just because it's hard to spend that much time being emotionally close to someone and not start to like them.

[HazelGirl]

You're definitely jumping to conclusions. I agree with the above comments.

[grimtopaz]

Thank you. I understand that there is "people I find unlikable" versus "people everyone would dislike".

I know this is clouded by my "core belief", but I assumed that if she thought I was likeable she would have said so, rather than saying "not unlikable" which implies neutrality.

I guess, like most people, I want her to like me since she knows me so well.

Originally Posted by Red75

Hmmm, I think maybe she was clarifying the difference between people who are unlike able, by everyone, ie those who commit atrocities, and that there are people that she doesn't like, as everyone doesn't like everyone. If that makes sense. And I guess she was saying that, as you present yourself in therapy, you are likeable.
Tbh, your h doesn't sound that helpful. Why would you dislike you if you were a client? And I know lots of T's and I don't know any who just do it for the money, or who don't care about their clients. Maybe your h needs therapy with a mum like that

[grimtopaz]

Thank you for your input. I think I could interpret it as "not unlikeable" being "I do not dislike you, but I don't like you either", or directly addressing that my core belief is not necessarily true...I hope it's the latter.

I will talk about it in therapy next time since I had such a strong reaction to it.

I am upset at my husband. He has a very cynical view of the world, generally so do I, but sometimes he is hurtful when he's trying to be pragmatic.

Originally Posted by guilloche

Grimtopaz... I have to agree with Calista... I think your own dislike of yourself is influencing how you're hearing your T's comments.

But I started trying to write out more, and realize the whole thing is making my head spin a little. I wonder why your T would say "not unlikeable" rather than just "likeable" - when from a language perspective, they should be identical? That might be worth asking her about, if there was a reason she chose to phrase it that way? Could it be that she was just trying to say that you think "X" (X=unlikeable) and she perceives you as "NOT X!" (not unlikeable)? I agree that it would have been a bit more reassuring for her to actually say that you're likeable, but maybe she wants you to get to that point yourself, rather than rely on her for it? I don't know.

And OMG - tell your husband to just stop with the unhelpful comments, please. Seriously. I do not believe that all therapists dislike their patients (!) and "do it for the money". I've read that actually therapists tend to like their patients, just because it's hard to spend that much time being emotionally close to someone and not start to like them.

[unaluna]

He's a t's kid - we should only feel sorry for him. I know its a joke, like on big bang theory - christine baranski ss leonards shrink mom - but its true too. Plus he is probably trying to not interfere in your therspy - its a big mess. You probably married him - or he married you - to work out this unresolved conflict of being unlikeable which probably goes back to his mother and beyond! Youre in SF - you should be abke to find a warm and cuddly t - these people seem like aberrations! Deviations from the city norm!

[Solepa]

Another point of view could be: Usually if my T says things that are long way from what my believe is I don't trust her at all. I don't particulary like myself and when my T compliments me in any way I don't believe the things she says. They might be nice to hear but I could never take it seriously. So maybe your T is trying to sound like her answer is honest rather then therapy BS?
If she said you are likeable it would be nicer to hear but would you think she is honest? Would you believe it deep down?

[grimtopaz]

My husband has actually gotten the compliment that he is surprisingly well-adjusted for the child of a psychologist! Also, ironically, he's constantly told he looks like Leonard from Big Bang Theory.

One of the reasons I liked this therapist is that I don't like T's who are too warm and fuzzy (some warmth, of course, is necessary) - it makes me think they are somewhat fake and just give away their warmth and fuzziness to everyone.

There are a few things I'd like to change about my T (e.g., she's terrible with diversity issues), but the goods outweigh the bad.

Originally Posted by hankster

He's a t's kid - we should only feel sorry for him. I know its a joke, like on big bang theory - christine baranski ss leonards shrink mom - but its true too. Plus he is probably trying to not interfere in your therspy - its a big mess. You probably married him - or he married you - to work out this unresolved conflict of being unlikeable which probably goes back to his mother and beyond! Youre in SF - you should be abke to find a warm and cuddly t - these people seem like aberrations! Deviations from the city norm!

[ThisWayOut]

a comment on using "not unlikable" vs. likable... it sounds like she was using your own statement, and disagreeing with it... T's will often use the language we do when trying to challege a belief. It's often a stronger statement than using different wording (it tends to stick with us more, because it's something we use)...

also, agree with all of the above.

[doyoutrustme]

Originally Posted by grimtopaz

I have been seeing my therapist for a year and a half, and for the most part, I think we have a good therapeutic relationship.

In therapy, I have been working on my core belief that I am "unlikable/unlovable". She mentioned that "in here, you are not unlikable." This upset me a bit since I know that is very different from being likable, but I appreciate her honesty (she's not particularly warm and fuzzy).

from what I gather, she says that you ARE like-able, when she contradicted your core beleif that, at least as far as she can tell, you aren't an unlike-able person in therapy. Meaning, you ARE like-able!

Since it's an issue of yours, you are still choosing to see it from the lens of, "ah but she didn't say I *was* like-able. It must be because I'm unlike-able.

Originally Posted by grimtopaz

I have been seeing my therapist for a year and a half, and for the most part, I think we have a good therapeutic relationship.

I then asked "do you think there are people who are unlikable?". Her response was "That is a very good question. There are people *I* don't like." I said "of course." Then she said "well, I guess that people who commit atrocities against humanity are unlikable".

She thought about your question- about *other* people... are there people in the world who she can find unlike-able without question, and after pondering aloud she concluded that the only people she would find unlike-able (by anyone without question) would be murderers and stuff.