[Chartres]

I have told my T that I love him, once directly ("I love you") and once indirectly ("I have feelings of love for you"). Both times he did not respond. I may not have given him a chance to respond because I kept talking after I said it, but he did not revisit it. He has talked about how I get to open up with him in therapy as a way of healing.

One of the things I am healing from is acknowledging the reality that my father did not really love me. I struggle with the fact that both in the past and today I have love for my father that is not reciprocated.

So I'm starting to wonder if I'm not just setting myself up in a similar dynamic with my T? I love him but he does not reciprocate love with me. He may care about me and be concerned about me, but he has not said that he loves me and I do not expect him to do so.

Am I a fool for letting myself love someone who does not love me back?

[Soccer mom]

I'm somewhat in the same boat. I wonder why get/feel close to my T. when it's a one-sided relationship. Sometimes I want her to say how she feels about me but I think it stems from my issues with my mom. Therefore, it might be a delicate situation for her to disclose anything.
Perhaps your T. sees that you are seeking that out because you didn't get it from your dad. I think he will be more interested in you seeking it out with people outside of therapy than with him. A hard pill to swallow.
You're not a fool - you're responding to being heard, not judged, etc.

[HazelGirl]

Your T might love you, but not in the same way as you love him.

[2or3things]

Originally Posted by Chartres

So I'm starting to wonder if I'm not just setting myself up in a similar dynamic with my T? I love him but he does not reciprocate love with me.

Been there, done that. STILL doing that. It stinks, I know.

But isn't what you say above exactly the point? I think, in general, that there are a lot of Ts who wouldn't ever tell any client they love them even if it were true. And I imagine there are plenty who don't love their clients. But even Ts who love a client and are willing to say so probably think very carefully about the individual patient when they're deciding whether or not to say it...

If one particular issue you need to work through is your feelings about your dad not loving you, it wouldn't serve you or your T well for him to say he loves you, I think. One problem is that feeling/knowing about T's love short circuits the therapeutic process around the issue. That is, T's love feels like it fills the hole or corrects the damage your father left you with. You come to depend on or assign significance to T's love in a way that makes handling the issue with your father seem less urgent. But T can't be your father, and when reality sets in you still haven't dealt with your father issue, and now you have an issue with T on top of it.

I understand. I very much want my T to love me, and I think that if I were brave enough to define what I want that love to look like, it'd look like T being my mother. It's horribly painful, but I think when they don't rush in to save us from our feelings, they're really doing what's best for us. Blech.

Hang in there. We've got to believe that the prize at the end will be worth the pain in the interim, right?