[Soccer mom]

In what ways do clients get dependent on their T's? I am a very independent person and hate to need anyone. During this good ole motherly transference, my T has mentioned some people get too dependent on her. I don't forsee it happening but maybe I wouldn't recognize it either.
While I do need to see her weekly, I know I can painfully go longer and I don't rely on her to help me make decisions.
Ideas?

[Leah123]

Do you want our perception of dependent or of impaired?
Normal dependence is healthy if sometimes uncomfortable to those not used to it being safe or acceptable.

[Leah123]

Also, I tend to think the fear of something is a pretty good guard against it, in the same way that guilt is a sign of conscience and guard against wrong-doing.

I suppose impairment would be neglecting to care for yourself or your family without a therapist calling all the shots, whether that would be becoming suicidal for lack of them or abusing children or avoiding all relationships indefinitely in favor of being solely focused on the therapist, sort of like stalking.

In my experience 95% of folks who post here about fear of such impairment are in no danger of it. But it's a heartfelt, deep fear for folks who have been highly self-reliant, often because they had trouble depending on their early caregivers for whatever reason.

Since your T mentioned clients being "too" dependent, I would ask for specific definition of that from the T.

If my T said anything like that to me, I would be paranoid about all my behaviors and actions past, present and future with T.

[HazelGirl]

I think there's healthy and unhealthy dependence.

Healthy dependence: wants the T's company, but doesn't need the T's company for their emotional stability. Can be independent of the T, but interdependent on the T at the same time. Allows the T to comfort and encourage, and isn't afraid to share good and bad things. Feels secure in the relationship. Respects the T and their boundaries.

Unhealthy dependence: believes the T is the only person who could ever give you what you need. Can't handle being away from the T. Doesn't see themselves as separate or independent of the T. Does not feel secure. Feels anxious and scared. Breaks the T's boundaries after being asked not to. Does not respect the T.

I believe you can move from unhealthy dependence to healthy dependence if you stick with therapy. And a good T will encourage you towards the first set of behaviors, not the second.

[Leah123]

I don't think I'd call it unhealthy to be insecure for a period when coming to know, work with intimately and deeply trust a therapist. That's just part of the process for many.

If it doesn't have negative consequences I wouldn't really worry about it being excessive or harmful. Feeling uncomfortable or needy isn't the same as being too dependent I don't think. I think those are feelings it's important to learn to tolerate as part of the process, like some clients need to learn to tolerate sadness or anger or whatever they might be challenged to deal with, just part of the growth in therapy to have a greater capacity and then resolve those feelings more easily.

I think of my own struggle with this, my deep discomfort with feelings of dependence, particularly early on, but I realize, while I was busy feeling insecure, I was actually doing amazing work and succeeding in pretty much all areas, my marriage, parenting, school, work, etc., so it showed me that my feelings and fears were just that- things to be mindful of and work to relieve, but not signs of doom or failure.

[Soccer mom]

I see some people post and have read blogs that some T's encourage dependence but I would think that is for people who have never been able to depend on others. I think my T. is definitely one who wants to make sure her clients are able to be on their own and not rely on her/depend on her for, I guess, day to day functions. And, she knows I am overall independent.
I don't think I'm dependent on her but wonder why that comes up in her mind. Unless she's trying to bring awareness so I stay independent. Hell, I don't know. I guess I'll have to ask her.
I'm not dependent but I do want to keep connected.
Therapy sucks sometimes. I think and analyze WAY TOO MUCH!

[Leah123]

Yes you do, lol. But that's a pretty common issue too, so you have plenty of company.

Dependence is pretty common in most of these types of relationships: maybe you're focusing too much on the uniqueness of therapy.

Consider, you must also have a dependence on your dentist, doctor, schoolteachers, mailman, family, farmer, etc.

We all depend on a lot of others and often with critically important and personal issues. It just can feel a little worse in therapy where we do more secret sharing and being vulnerable than elsewhere, but it's the same need: you need to trust your surgeon enough to put you under, your dentist enough to drill, your kids teachers to educate them properly, etc. Dependence is the human way, a necessity.

If you pay your own bills, get yourself dressed and to work, etc.... I think you're okay. You might feel uncomfortable trusting her with your feelings and that might make you feel clingy and vulnerable, especially after losing your mother, but those feelings aren't harmful in themselves. If you start texting her 100 times a day, I'm sure she'll ask you not to, and you'll be able to go on from there.

[stopdog]

I think the ones I see have tried to get me to depend or something odd on them.

[lilypup]

I like my T but could live without her if needed. I don't spend much time analyzing our every interaction or word. She is friendly but not intrusive. I am the same.
I wonder if I am doing it right. Everyone else on here seems to have issues. Maybe I need to work harder.

[The_little_didgee]

Having family and friend support reduces my need to contact my therapist outside of session. I don't mind depending on her for certain things but I will not allow it to get to the point that my sense of identity is compromised and my life is solely about therapy.

[Soccer mom]

I feel like my life is all about therapy but I think it's due to my grief. I'm definitely better than 2 months ago!

So can u be attached but not dependent?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I feel like my life is all about therapy but I think it's due to my grief. I'm definitely better than 2 months ago!

So can u be attached but not dependent?

Yes, definitely.

[Leah123]

Well, do you depend on her? Are you relying on her to help you through the grief?

There seem to be different individual meanings and manifestations of dependence here.

I don't really depend on him for advice or help with decisions. We don't talk that much about that kind of stuff. My over-dependence is so emotional; it includes needing to see with him and be with him all of the time. Needing physical affection. Badly... Needing his acceptance and approval too. His protection, understanding. And I can't live without his nurturance. It feels like I need him as much as I need water. T said it all comes down to needing love...

The longing feelings physically hurt. It's not usually something people just decide to do or not do/to be or not to be like. Maybe not consciously, anyway. Not having received love from my parents left me feeling like I don't exist without having the love of a significant other. Affection, love, and attention from a S.O. keeps me alive. When I don't have it, I can feel dead. Life can become hopeless, meaningless, and full of despair. That's part of the work I need to do.

Not all overly-dependent people have boundary issues like the ones described in this thread or forum. I don't want to upset him or make him uncomfortable, so I try to be respectful and careful. I try to make my significant others feel good when they are with me. It's usually the other way around--people often push into my boundaries, or cross boundaries with me. That's also related to how I get taken advantage of and abused. Boundary violation is a definition of abuse.

I like having a wiser, stronger, understanding, and caring other to depend on. Someone who I have really affectionate feelings for and who I can look forward to being with and sharing life, love, and laughter with.

Oh-In a nutshell, healthy dependence is being separate from another but connected. That's my favorite line I guess, but it reminds me of what to strive for.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

In what ways do clients get dependent on their T's? I am a very independent person and hate to need anyone. During this good ole motherly transference, my T has mentioned some people get too dependent on her. I don't forsee it happening but maybe I wouldn't recognize it either.
While I do need to see her weekly, I know I can painfully go longer and I don't rely on her to help me make decisions.
Ideas?

It depends on the person, the therapist, and the kind of therapy, and the time in therapy, and lastly, what goes on in the person's life at the moment. I don't think there is a simple straightforward answer here.

Perhaps the therapist saying you could become dependent during certain kind of transference has made you want to react against it. But nothing is going to be forced on you. Dependence may or may not happen. And if it does then, it's temporary and nothing to be alarmed about. It won't change who you are or anything.

[archipelago]

I agree with the sense of interdependence or healthy dependence. We are told too much to be completely self-sufficient which is just not really possible and doesn't seem desirable either.

I'd only add that I think there are phases of therapy and sometimes it is appropriate to move in closer. Then things might shift away from that for a while and then another thing comes up or another phase begins and there is another period of being closer again. Normal relationships do this too; it just feels different with a therapist.

[sweepy62]

I know that this t told me I'm not dependant on her or needy, that in fact she wished I would ask her what I needed from the relationship. This conversation came about , because I told her I thought I was too needy.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[archipelago]

One thing I'll add since it has come up in another thread is that my perspective is so influenced by psychoanalysis. I have been trained in other approaches and value them, understand them, and see how I would probably use them since not all people really are all that open to psychoanalysis.

Still I have to say that in some forms of psychoanalysis, it is considered an achievement to be able to be so "regressed" that you are able to access that very early material. And at that point you are almost necessarily dependent on your therapist.

It is a phase of treatment. You eventually move beyond it. No one can truly function well in a long term regressed, dependent state. But in terms of analysis or healing, it is highly valued in some schools of therapy. Indeed, analysts in training who already usually have licensing and have already had lots of clients clamor with each other and worry about whether they will be able to regress enough to reach that utterly dependent state.

It is just another perspective. Quite typical for many different schools of psychoanalysis but probably sounding weird from outside that world.

Originally Posted by archipelago

Still I have to say that in some forms of psychoanalysis, it is considered an achievement to be able to be so "regressed" that you are able to access that very early material. And at that point you are almost necessarily dependent on your therapist.

It is a phase of treatment. You eventually move beyond it. No one can truly function well in a long term regressed, dependent state. But in terms of analysis or healing, it is highly valued in some schools of therapy. Indeed, analysts in training who already usually have licensing and have already had lots of clients clamor with each other and worry about whether they will be able to regress enough to reach that utterly dependent state.

It is just another perspective. Quite typical for many different schools of psychoanalysis but probably sounding weird from outside that world.

That is super interesting! I never heard this before. Much of the time, all my defense just disappear when I am with him. Then I get really regressed like this with T and experience infant-like states along with somatic and other memory fragments. It is so strange, yet so fascinating. When I started doing this, the dependence really got intense. It was like life or death and seemed to have become more instinctual than emotional.

When I first read your post here, I thought I might have discovered another way to make him feel good about working with me, then I leaned towards thinking that he must not be of the type who highly values this level of regression. I don't think he devalues it either, but I sort of think he was a bit worried about me since it got so extreme.

I think it's positive overall; it seems to help me with healing...to experience the relationship almost as a developing child would. I get some positive re-parenting from this. Anyway, that's the way I see it.