[likelife]

I saw my T today, the session was excruciating. We talked about my lifelong history of wanting a mother, of longing for comfort and care and love. I thought that those feelings had subsided. I was feeling ok for a long time. But I talked with her today about missing her between sessions, of wanting to be held.

Actually, I didn't say that last part because I was too ashamed, but she guessed it, which somehow made me feel more awful. She told me that she wanted to give me a hug, but didn't think it would be the best for me.

I think she's probably right, but in the moment, I felt humiliated, disgusting, awful, alienated. It was the end of the session and I was crying, but trying really hard to stop crying because I knew I had to leave.

I know she's right, but she fumbled around with her words, and it all came out sounding so much like the textbook response when your needy client wants a hug.

My husband hates me, I don't have any friends I feel comfortable asking for a hug. This sucks. Thanks for listening. I feel like I want to apologize for taking up space.

Hi recently I had a similar situation where I asked for a hug from my T and he said no, so I can totally understand how you're feeling. I just felt like I never wanted to go back there (my T handled it a bit awkwardly too).
I think that, like me, you are suffering with yet another crushing blow to your already low sense of self worth.
The best suggestion I can make is to go back and discuss it with your T. My T explained his reasons (which were totally valid; but accepted it still hurt me and those feelings are ok.) The discussion was very healing for me, and allowed me to realise that these (and past) feelings of rejection are valid, but that they are in no way my fault.
I know it hurts like hell now, but it may be an important moment in therapy because learning to accept rejection without blaming ourselves is an important part of life

[Inner_Firefly]

You were brave to talk about your feelings of wanting comfort and love, perhaps you felt vulnerable sharing your deep private feelings, and needed a hug and be reassured, and it must've felt bad to not be given a hug, but instead you heard text book stuff. you did your best, you were honest and authentic. Hopefully your T realizes how her response made you feel.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Hi recently I had a similar situation where I asked for a hug from my T and he said no, so I can totally understand how your feeling. I just felt like I never wanted to go back there (my T handled it a bit awkwardly too).
I think that, like me, you are suffering with yet another crushing blow to your already low sense of self worth.
The best suggestion I can make is to go back and discuss it with your T. My T explained his reasons (which were totally valid; but accepted it still hurt me and those feelings are ok.) The discussion was very healing for me, and allowed me to realise that these (and past) feelings of rejection is valid, but that they are in no way my fault.
I know it hurts like he'll now, but it may be an important moment in therapy because learning to accept rejection without blaming ourselves is an important part of life

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm glad you were able to have such a healing experience around all of this. It hurts, incredibly, but I know you're right that ultimately, it's ok to be rejected.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

You were brave to talk about your feelings of wanting comfort and love, perhaps you felt vulnerable sharing your deep private feelings, and needed a hug and be reassured, and it must've felt bad to not be given a hug, but instead you heard text book stuff. you did your best, you were honest and authentic. Hopefully your T realizes how her response made you feel.

Thank you, inner firefly. Your response is kind. I think you're right - I wanted reassurance that everything was ok, that we were ok. She did say that what I felt was ok, and I know that it being the end of the session contributed to the awkwardness. Now to bring myself to go back...

[Can't Stop Crying]

hang in there....

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

hang in there....

Thanks, can't stop crying ️

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by likelife

I saw my T today, the session was excruciating. We talked about my lifelong history of wanting a mother, of longing for comfort and care and love. I thought that those feelings had subsided. I was feeling ok for a long time. But I talked with her today about missing her between sessions, of wanting to be held.

Actually, I didn't say that last part because I was too ashamed, but she guessed it, which somehow made me feel more awful. She told me that she wanted to give me a hug, but didn't think it would be the best for me.

I think she's probably right, but in the moment, I felt humiliated, disgusting, awful, alienated. It was the end of the session and I was crying, but trying really hard to stop crying because I knew I had to leave.

I know she's right, but she fumbled around with her words, and it all came out sounding so much like the textbook response when your needy client wants a hug.

My husband hates me, I don't have any friends I feel comfortable asking for a hug. This sucks. Thanks for listening. I feel like I want to apologize for taking up space.

Oh my goodness Likelife, I could have written this post. I saw my T today and we had virtually the same conversation. I too am now so upset and feel exactly as you describe. My H hates me too and I think my friends too. I too feel I shouldn't post here. I am just so sorry that you are also feeling this way. It is so painful.

We haven't mentioned the needing a hug. I am sure she knows but won't offer it and won't even discuss the need. She just kept going on about how she can't respond to my texts (when I reach out and say things I can't in session) but she said it was okay to text. She asked me why I hadn't texted her this week and when I said it was pointless she said something along the lines of I know you want more but I can't be the person you want me to be. I just felt so uncomfortable. But I still don't feel 'held' or validated at all.

I felt bad for telling her how I feel. I felt humiliation for telling her how much a miss her between sessions and that 50 minutes once a week isn't enough. She didn't offer an extra session as I can't afford it. Which also humiliates me and makes me feel like just her job.

I am sorry - i just thought I should tell you how similar our situations are.

I don't have any advice really - just that a totally relate.

Take care of yourself. Xx

[Bipolarchic14]

Honestly you may not want to hear this, but your therapist not hugging you is showing she cares about you more than if she just gave in and hugged you. If you think about it, it is far easier to give someone a hug than it is to have to tell them no and have to try and explain yourself. By giving you a hug it could make how you are feeling 10 times worse and confuse your transference towards her. It is only natural for you to want to be loved and cared for. Most people do. Your therapist cannot always be there for you and she can't be your mom. So you will need to work on how to accept that you are not able to change the past and you will need to learn how to develop comfort internally. That us something therapy can help you with.

[sailorboy]

I'm sorry you're suffering. It sounds like she really cares though. I agree talking about how her not hugging you made you feel could be really valuable to you in the long run. I know it sucks to feel needy. I hate it.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Oh my goodness Likelife, I could have written this post. I saw my T today and we had virtually the same conversation. I too am now so upset and feel exactly as you describe. My H hates me too and I think my friends too. I too feel I shouldn't post here. I am just so sorry that you are also feeling this way. It is so painful.

We haven't mentioned the needing a hug. I am sure she knows but won't offer it and won't even discuss the need. She just kept going on about how she can't respond to my texts (when I reach out and say things I can't in session) but she said it was okay to text. She asked me why I hadn't texted her this week and when I said it was pointless she said something along the lines of I know you want more but I can't be the person you want me to be. I just felt so uncomfortable. But I still don't feel 'held' or validated at all.

I felt bad for telling her how I feel. I felt humiliation for telling her how much a miss her between sessions and that 50 minutes once a week isn't enough. She didn't offer an extra session as I can't afford it. Which also humiliates me and makes me feel like just her job.

I am sorry - i just thought I should tell you how similar our situations are.

I don't have any advice really - just that a totally relate.

Take care of yourself. Xx

Oh, aloneandafraid, I'm so sorry that you can relate. Your session sounds really uncomfortable. I think it's so hard to admit a need (at least for me), that to have it rejected feels absolutely awful.

When you said you haven't discussed the need for a hug, do you mean that you haven't brought it up, or that your T won't talk about it? I've been trying to talk about it for months (not actively, but it's been on my mind). Even though it was awful, I do feel a little bit relieved that it's all out there now. I'm wondering if it might be the same for you?

Hugs!

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

Honestly you may not want to hear this, but your therapist not hugging you is showing she cares about you more than if she just gave in and hugged you. If you think about it, it is far easier to give someone a hug than it is to have to tell them no and have to try and explain yourself. By giving you a hug it could make how you are feeling 10 times worse and confuse your transference towards her. It is only natural for you to want to be loved and cared for. Most people do. Your therapist cannot always be there for you and she can't be your mom. So you will need to work on how to accept that you are not able to change the past and you will need to learn how to develop comfort internally. That us something therapy can help you with.

Thanks for responding, bipolarchic. I know you're right, intellectually. I do see how a hug could confuse my transference; it's probably a big part of what went south with my former T. Still sucks though.

I have some weird resistance to comforting myself. Well, no, that's not exactly it. I have a resistance to being the only person comforting myself. I know this whole situation highlights the fact that my H and I aren't getting along and I've become distanced from my friends.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by sailorboy

I'm sorry you're suffering. It sounds like she really cares though. I agree talking about how her not hugging you made you feel could be really valuable to you in the long run. I know it sucks to feel needy. I hate it.

Thanks, sailorboy. You're right, I do think she really cares. I'm sorry that you know the suckiness of feeling needy

[likelife]

I usually log on to PC on my phone, where I can't see virtual hugs. Having just logged on to my computer, I'm overwhelmed with everyone's hugs. Thank you all

Oh, and as an update, I texted my T to schedule a next session, since we hadn't had a chance to do so after the session (we tend to schedule week to week). I feel mildly terrified about going back in next week, but figure I've already done the most humiliating thing, so next week can't be worse. Right?

Originally Posted by likelife

Oh, and as an update, I texted my T to schedule a next session, since we hadn't had a chance to do so after the session (we tend to schedule week to week). I feel mildly terrified about going back in next week, but figure I've already done the most humiliating thing, so next week can't be worse. Right?

I feel so bad for you. Your experience sounds so incredibly sad and devastating.

Yes, it can only be uphill from here.
Hang in there...

[likelife]

Originally Posted by skies_

I feel so bad for you. Your experience sounds so incredibly sad and devastating.

Yes, it can only be uphill from here.
Hang in there...

Thanks for your support, skies. I worry sometimes that I overdramatize all of this stuff. I feel unsettled right now, but not devastated, which is sort of new.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by likelife

I have some weird resistance to comforting myself.

(((Lifelike)))
Please talk about this with your T. I think you're really onto something.
I know you say it's more that you have resistance to being the only person comforting yourself, but I firmly believe that before we are truly able to accept comfort from others we must be able to accept it from ourselves. I think that if we have limited self-comfort skills no amount of hugs from our Ts or anyone else in our lives will ever fill that hole.

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by likelife

Thanks for responding, bipolarchic. I know you're right, intellectually. I do see how a hug could confuse my transference; it's probably a big part of what went south with my former T. Still sucks though.

I have some weird resistance to comforting myself. Well, no, that's not exactly it. I have a resistance to being the only person comforting myself. I know this whole situation highlights the fact that my H and I aren't getting along and I've become distanced from my friends.

Yup it definitely sucks...and I try to look at things intellectually when my emotional thought process is irrational. Regarding comforting yourself, I have not mastered that either so I am in the same boat. I could ask if ysat your h down and had a heart to heart but I am assuming you guys have tried that and it's not that simple. Regarding your friends, the only way to correct that is to call them! Just because you have distanced yourself from them does not mean you can't correct this. Regarding your T I know that sucks...honestly, I have had some transference issues myself with my T and have at times had that same desire to be hugged. I am probably not giving the best advice on this, but how I corrected the attachment issue is I started writing down things that upset me about her, so when I feel my attachment is out of control I can resort to them. I am sure it's a defense thing with me but it worked. ( maybe a little too good.)

[likelife]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

(((Lifelike)))
Please talk about this with your T. I think you're really onto something.
I know you say it's more that you have resistance to being the only person comforting yourself, but I firmly believe that before we are truly able to accept comfort from others we must be able to accept it from ourselves. I think that if we have limited self-comfort skills no amount of hugs from our Ts or anyone else in our lives will ever fill that hole.

I agree. I had a former T with whom I had a lot of transference issues as well. I had a really hard time self-comforting throughout the time I worked with her, and couldn't really take in any of the comfort she offered either. With my current T, I generally have felt much more able to self-comfort. I don't contact her between sessions (way different from former T), for example. But I know I still have work to do. Thanks for your response!

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

Yup it definitely sucks...and I try to look at things intellectually when my emotional thought process is irrational. Regarding comforting yourself, I have not mastered that either so I am in the same boat. I could ask if ysat your h down and had a heart to heart but I am assuming you guys have tried that and it's not that simple. Regarding your friends, the only way to correct that is to call them! Just because you have distanced yourself from them does not mean you can't correct this. Regarding your T I know that sucks...honestly, I have had some transference issues myself with my T and have at times had that same desire to be hugged. I am probably not giving the best advice on this, but how I corrected the attachment issue is I started writing down things that upset me about her, so when I feel my attachment is out of control I can resort to them. I am sure it's a defense thing with me but it worked. ( maybe a little too good.)

Yeah, too much **** between H and I at this point. We're working on it, but slooooooowly. And you're right about my friends. What I think I actually need to do is work on meeting new friends. I've been using having small children as an excuse, but I know that's just me rationalizing not wanting to socialize.

Thanks for sharing your perspective on the attachment issue and what's help. It's interesting - I do feel like I try to "temper" my image of my T in my head so that I don't over-idealize her. Sounds like maybe you feel too distanced from your T as a result?

[JustShakey]

Oops, sorry Likelife, I wrote your name backwards.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Oops, sorry Likelife, I wrote your name backwards.

Haha! No worries, mate

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by likelife

Oh, aloneandafraid, I'm so sorry that you can relate. Your session sounds really uncomfortable. I think it's so hard to admit a need (at least for me), that to have it rejected feels absolutely awful.

When you said you haven't discussed the need for a hug, do you mean that you haven't brought it up, or that your T won't talk about it? I've been trying to talk about it for months (not actively, but it's been on my mind). Even though it was awful, I do feel a little bit relieved that it's all out there now. I'm wondering if it might be the same for you?

Hugs!

Hi Likelife - thank you so much fo this thread and for your reply - it means so much.

I havent discussed the need directly - she is aware that I wish I could see her more frequently and have a relationship in real life - but I just cant bring myself to just ask. I know she'll say no and I don't think I can take that rejection. I don't want to sound overly dramatic!! But as you say, I think I need to get it out there?!

Thanks again fro your support - means so much. xx

[Bipolarchic14]

Ya i do feel distant right now...I was actually considering dropping therapy since I am having trouble trusting her and my pdoc from an incident this summer. I am just glad it happened seven months in and not 3 years in. I will talk to her next session about it so I am not just running away from it.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Hi Likelife - thank you so much fo this thread and for your reply - it means so much.

I havent discussed the need directly - she is aware that I wish I could see her more frequently and have a relationship in real life - but I just cant bring myself to just ask. I know she'll say no and I don't think I can take that rejection. I don't want to sound overly dramatic!! But as you say, I think I need to get it out there?!

Thanks again fro your support - means so much. xx

I think it does feel better to just have it all out there. At least for me, I hate having this stuff in the back of my head and feeling like it's interfering with the rest of the things I discuss in therapy.

I'm not going to lie, the rejection felt devastating. But it's two days later, and I'm still here, and as of now, I feel like I can go back and talk with my T about it. Mind you, my appointment isn't until next week

Has she given hints that she'll say no, or is it something she's talked about directly (her unwillingness to give hugs)? You might talk with her about fearing her rejection. Being a T, she's probably going to want to figure out what that means for you