use of possessive language when referring to a therapist

I get what you are saying SD... I was at a friends funeral at a church we both attended as children... The current preacher who only had been at the church about a year was performing the service but when they asked if people would like to say a few words... The preacher we had growing up who had just retired the year before... Stood up and said "I was C's pastor "..... Speaking as if he had special knowledge or authority... But at the time it didn't creep me out because my friend was a recovering alcoholic and I know this pastor saw him (my friend reached out to this pastor for counsel and such)and stood behind him through the ups and downs of it all...

There are certainly two ways to see the language. When I refer to "my doctor" or "my lawn guy" or "my dentist" or "my therapist", I mean the person whom I have contracted to do a service for me. It indicates the connection that we have. John Doe is not my friend, he is my dentist. Jane Doe is not my friend, she is my therapist.

But there is also a possessiveness that can come across with it. When writing emails, sometimes I have typed a phrase similar to "this is a concern for my staff" and I always change it. I feel that it conveys that I have some sort of ownership over these people. There I think it is more appropriate to use "the staff."

Same could be said for language regarding therapists and clients. There are times when the use of possessive language simply clarifies the connection that they have to you but there are other times when it implies some element of ownership. I'm okay with the former but not the latter.

CantExplain (AKA - CE) called the ex-therapist Madam T.

And I do think the woman has tried in various ways. I think she has finally backed off a bit. The second one still does it some though.

It carries a little more weight for me than "my accountant", but they are not "mine" in the sense of a significant other. Even in an SO relationship, anything too possessive can come off as creepy.

T is "mine" to probably 30 other people too .

I use my t as a shorthand , rather than a possession , that would make me uncomfortable. She once said your my number one priority, when discussing my h, that made me feel uncomfortable . Maybe Iam for the hour, while I'm in the office, if he should be in the office with me and tried to hurt me. Then maybe since I'm in her office she would be liable?

I can comfortably say this is my dog. This creature I'm totataly responsible for, to love and care for.

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This is an interesting topic.
Normally I don't think twice about using 'my' when referring to doctors and bosses and the like. I would be quick to dismiss it as shorthand, but I don't think it really is. If I really think about it, I use it with people who affect my life in perhaps small but important or necessary ways. They probably wouldn't be people I would miss greatly when they're gone, but they were still there and there was an emotional transaction on some level (even if it's of the 'my boss is a jerk!' variety).
I think it's perhaps just a part of human interconnectivity, the kind that's so ubiquitous that we don't notice it or think much of it usually.
As for the clergy person. Well, I suspect they have done a few courses in emotional connectivity or the like - enough to know about deep communication but not enough to be any good at it. Like a new therapist who enthusiastically over-mirrors a client and just comes off as fake and insulting.

The relationship with a T is really a strange one, ideally it is all about you. The ideal T is someone who uses their own self entirely for your benefit. As a friend told me recently a good T becomes a mirror for you. So if I say 'My T' (and I differentiate that from 'my T') I'm not so much talking about the person my T is (I don't even know that person after all), I'm talking about my experience of T, something that is entirely mine, that T gives to me. Of course I pay for it, and that can get sticky, but, you know, life is sticky like that...

But wouldn't you say of your clients that you are their lawyer?

I get what you're saying, I just think it's a matter of the way people use language, just distinguishing the therapist that they pay and that serves them from other therapists.

The clergy person did not bungle it and the recipient was not creeped out but instead liked it. The recipient does feel there is an emotional possessiveness because of that specific clergy person that is beneficial. I was creeped out by it, but not because the clergy did it badly. The whole notion just creeps me out like it does with a therapist.

I just retained an attorney and when telling people about that I do not say "my attorney." I say I have an attorney helping me. Perhaps if he were representing me in court in a serious case, I would call him something else, but I doubt it.

Stopdog, do you mean they are assuming familiarity with you where it is not needed and/or unwelcome?

Even so, you are saying "you have" an attorney helping you, which is a possessive. It is impossible to avoid it.

I call my therapist mine, and I like it. He's mine!! LOL. But seriously the alternative wouldn't make sense. If my husband says where are you going? And I say, I'm going to see a therapist. Oh really, who? Well, my therapist...

Yeah, I don't personally have a problem with using the possessive. I was just saying that I can see how in some cases you wouldn't. I do say "I'm going to the dentist/doctor" not "my" and I tend to say "I'm going to therapy" not "my" so it is not inevitable that you use "my….."

I would say, "I have a therapy appt today" vs. "I have an appt with my therapist today." But what would you say if you were referencing something your therapist said? How would you get around saying, "My therapist said..." (Besides using their actual name, of course.)

The answer could be a specific name, or just a therapist again. The next logical answer need not involve the word my. To the two people I know who are aware I make appointments with therapists, I usually designate the therapist by location in the rare situation they ask or I refer to it. I just say the woman who works on x street.

I think it is perfectly natural to call a therapist "my therapist," especially in the context of an internet board discussing therapists. I don't tend to have many other contexts where I use this though. I call him by his name if mentioning him and people who are close to me, who are the only people I would probably talk about it with know who I am talking about.

To go back to the example of a Zen master I had as a teacher. There is a big difference between calling the teacher "the teacher" or "my teacher." It is considered disrespectful to refer to a teacher with whom you do not have a private working relationship with "my teacher." If you do practice with others but also do specific work with a teacher, by tradition and for purposes of identifying your lineage, you say "my teacher." It also indicates a closer relationship. Weird thing if there is "possession" it is that you as a student are possessed (by making vows) in a particular branch of Zen.

I honestly get it, stopdog, that you find the use "the therapist" more accurate and comfortable for you. I was simply responding to how I feel when using the "my" in referring to people who work with me in professional situations. I apologize if you thought I was dissing you in any way. I guess I thought you were asking people here how they felt when using the word "my" when referring to their therapists and other professional people.

Oh, I see. That does change it quite a bit. I got the impression that the clergy person had made the statement to the congregation. I imagine that if he/she is attuned and caring enough he/she would not make such a statement to you. As much as people are similar, they are also different.
I'm sorta reminded of a time I was saying something to my mother and my H got offended. They're both pretty needy but in different ways. The same statement that reassured my mother left my H feeling attacked. I subsequently had words with him about the importance of remembering that not everything is about him. (Not saying you're anything like my H, Stopdog. He's like a grown up two year old at times. I just thought the situation was similar.)

I use the possessive form when talking to people who don't know a particular person. For the people who know "my therapist", I simply use my T's first name. For people who know "my psychiatrist", I simply use her last name. Same goes for all people/professionals: my doctor, my niece, my sister, my tattoo artist.

I also use it when describing a group of people in my life: "my family", "my treatment team", "my friends" (not that I actually have any friends), etc.

The only people I ever use the possessive form all the time for are people whose name is their "role"/"title". I.e. my mom, your nonna, your mom, my dad, my grandpa, etc.

I don't consider ownership or having possession of anyone, nor does anyone have possession over me. The only living thing I have possession over is me and my dogs. I think we use the possessive form to show a relationship with others; not that anyone actually belongs to us.

This. In a nutshell. Thanks SP

I don't use it regularly, as often saying "I went to the therapist" kind of thing. But that's good of you to catch this, I did not think of why I ever use "my therapist." I don't say "my repairman", or "my priest" though I do say "my teacher" perhaps as often as "my therapist."

My T said recently, "As your therapist, I try to do what's best for you." (As opposed to what's best for my family. )

Her terminology struck me as unexpected. I realized that she feels more responsibility toward me than I'd previously thought.

I was slightly pleased and slightly uncomfortable.

To me this is the way I speak. My parents, my partners, my friends, my therapist, my clients, my teachers, my colleagues, my ... whoever I have a relationship solid enough, no matter the type. I guess I mean someone I see frequently enough and who has played enough of a specific role in my life to feel a connection. I don't say "my banker", for example, even though I often work with the same banker - but not always and if she's not there I work with anybody who is.

In my mind, this means that there is a type of stable relationship between me and said person (whether it be family, friendship, academic, therapeutic, etc). I don't claim to own anyone, it just seems natural to me to say "my therapist" just as it seems natural to say that with other types of relationships too.

One of my professor in grad school claimed that these kinds of expressions implied transference, but I think it depends. It's just so common where I live (and from what I read, elsewhere too) to call someone "my therapist" or "my client", I think that's just the linguistic norm in most cases.

It's interesting you started this thread because It has always stood out to me that you refer to your T as "the therapist" or "the woman" and I thought it was intentional to show your dislike for her and what seems to be most therapists in general.

If I use the same person for a particular service on a regular basis- my doctor, therapist, hairdresser, babysitter, then I will use the possessive term "my". It doesn't imply any ownership but does imply a working relationship. If it goes beyond working and the relationship is more personal if others know who the perpsb is, the Id refer to them by name. But if they are a less consistent presence for me, a pastor at a church such as in your experience (since I don't attend church regularly), then I would phrase it differently - "the pastor at ___church".

No apology needed. I was asking.. Several people have referred to finding other ways as cumbersome or awkward and I was just saying I have never considered doing it to be awkward or clunky and so forth.

I don't despise the woman. The intent is the lack of accuracy for me. So it is not unintentional, it just does not mean active dislike. I find the profession suspect and certainly not worthy of unguarded good regard. And I believe when one is engaging with a member of their profession, one must be wary and pay attention and keep them back.

I don't think I have ever used her name. I know never when talking to her and I don't think I would have used her name to anyone else. I don't think of her by name.