[someone321]

This is just venting, to put my thoughts together before today's session...

Last session was a simple disaster, it has never happened to me that I simply could not have talked. Usually T starts with asking what I want to talk about and sometimes I have something in my mind, sometimes not. This time I had but instead T started with analyzing my last e-mail. It was terrible, correct but terrible and I felt like I didn't come there to hear how lonely I had to be as a child etc. I don't need T's pity, I need the future This part made me feeling worse and then I even didn't want to discuss the topic which I wanted anymore... It was about going to homeland for the weekend (= meeting 3 abusers). Thus, I only mentioned about it and said that I didn't want to talk about it... But T didn't want to let it go... I guess, I didn't want to discuss it as somehow I am afraid that T's impact might cause that I won't be able anymore to switch to the mood "everything is great" when I am there... And what would happen then? That would be a real disaster I guess... So I wanted to move on but T didn't want to and then it was too late... When T tried to suggest some breathing exercises or changing the topic or lightening it a bit, it was just too late and I didn't want it anymore. When she said e.g. so tell me about your work - I was like - are you crazy? And I simply started to ignore her silly questions and not saying anything... She asked if I could put this topic to the "safe", I said that I could but I didn't want to... I guess, she wasn't extremely happy with it but at the end I just said that I'd be fine, as next day I was going to homeland, I wouldn't have time to think about a silly session... And then the session ended...

Thus I met some of my family members, and of course it was really great But I also started seeing new things, hearing more, realizing more - that's a bit awkward... Like:

- I am pretty mean to one of my abusers what makes me actual feeling guilty and I even realized that my H who is the nicest person in the world started being a bit mean to him as well - that makes me even more guilty

- I and my siblings have a strange urge to talk about our parents, how great there are, how amazing adventures they had but also to say half-joking how a big miracle it is that we actually survived with such parents... I think others do not talk about their parents as much as we do... At every party...

- My sister said that as a kid she was confused because she wasn't sure if our parents simply just did not care at all. I found it interesting because I always thought that it was great that they trusted us so much that we had a total freedom, we could have been doing whatever we wanted...

- She also said that as a kid she found our Dad to be scary, he has never hit or even raised his voice but that he was scary. I guess she's right but I never thought about it as quite soon I found the way to make him less scary (you know - the youngest daughter :P)

- one of the abuser at the end, when we were saying good byes, told me that he hopes that next time I'll drink more alcohol... I was like: ? I did drink quite some but he said that no, not so much... Pity that I didn't have time/occasion to ask: why? Why does he hope so? Why would one hope so?

And then I have a session today, I guess I'd like to discuss my time in homeland and all these small things which I started seeing and hearing and the fact that it already makes me anxious that during Xmas I might see/hear even more and what will happen if it's too much? But I'm afraid that T will want to discuss our last session... I was pretty terrible then... And I still have in my mind that she said that I can be cruel or that I might not be ready for therapy, and this just makes things even more difficult... I guess all topics are important but what and how should I start today? And what will I do if again I find talking just stupid and will completely shut down?

[Travelinglady]

I guess I am a gabber, since I usually don't plan much about what to talk about in therapy. My T always prompts me with questions.

Please try not to worry. If need be, then you can just say the topic upsets you and why you think so.

Let us know how it goes!