[ahdm]

Hi all. It's been a while since I've been here. I really need your help with something.

I know quite a lot of people find it difficult to talk in sessions with their therapist. And almost always, they can and do overcome it gradually, and start opening up the more time they've spent with their therapist.

But for me, this isn't the case. At all.

I find it very difficult to even talk normally to anyone. For example, my teachers at college - I can't even say goodbye to them at the end of the lesson, and I can only just about manage to answer the register.

In sessions, it's even worse. I hardly talk at all. Sometimes I give a nod or shake of my head. But that's it as far as communication goes. Yes, I write things down, but that can only go so far. I would love to be able to talk to my counsellor and tell her everything via speech.
I had a session today in which I really needed help from her, and she was prepared to give it, but she needed me to answer her questions. I couldn't even nod or shake my head today. I couldn't point at a number when she asked how anxious I've felt over the last 2 weeks.

This is pretty 'normal' to me. I've lived with it and dealt with it and suffered from it for years. I've had about 20 sessions with my counsellor so far. I will have to stop by the time I turn 18 in November, and I will, by then, be referred to an adult service. For me, it hasn't mattered whether I've known the person for 2 sessions, 10 sessions, or 20 sessions. I still find it excruciatingly difficult to talk.

I was wondering if anyone knew anything about this or if anyone has any insight or opinions, or if you've experienced it yourself. I don't want people just saying to me: 'oh well, you just need to wait, you'll be able to talk easier after you get to know her more, give it time'. That will not help me. It is demoralising.

So...if anyone has anything to say on this matter, please do. Thank you.

[lunatic soul]

Maybe you are on wrong meds if you still are so anxious?

Even though you are not talking, the sessions may be benefiting you just being with a caring therapist in silence can be therapeutic.

[Willowleaf]

I quite often can't talk in sessions but it's not the end of the world since I have body psychotherapy. When you enter adult services maybe you could try and work with someone who utilises the body. Even if not for me the solution has seemed to be to stay with it. Occasionally these days I can talk for about half an hour but that is after 3 years of therapy. It sounds like your therapist is patient with you and understanding so I would just stick with it. I have found that if there is something I really need to say I email it before. I still can rarely talk about it but then she knows the problem which helps.
Try not to be too harsh with yourself. I think this can get better but it won't over night and that's ok. I think I understand your frustrations and I know you don't want to hear give it more time, but from someone who's been in your position you may need to. There is probably no quick fix but there are other ways to communicate. Sometimes if I am very stress she gets out vast sheets of paper and pastels and we just draw. It's amazing how much you can communicate this way and for me drawing is just random lines and squiggles not actual representations of things. I'm sorry this is so tough I hope others may have other suggestions. I sometimes sit there and work out how much money I am wasting each minute of silence! But it is getting better.

[HazelGirl]

Could you write things and then read them out loud, as a bridge between writing and speaking?

[Alone & confused]

I'm sorry that I am not familiar with what you are going through, but I'm posting anyway to say that my heart goes out to you. I want to help, but I'm not sure how. I only have "moods" in which I get to where I can't bring myself to talk or interact with people. But that usually only lasts one or two days, maybe three, and it's usually because I either (for some unknown reason) simply have nothing to say, or I'm just too busy with my own thoughts (if that makes sense) & don't feel like sharing them. I usually have no facial expressions when this happens, & the people around me get concerned about me, but there's really nothing wrong with me. I just feel like being quiet. But what you're dealing with seems much more complicated than that. I don't know how much help I can be, but I'm here if you need someone to listen!

[SnakeCharmer]

Selective mutism is a tough one. It usually co-exists with social anxiety and shyness and can lead to depression.

One of the therapies that works with an adult -- you are an adult at your age -- is desensitization therapy. This is something that CBT therapists know about.

For example, you might start slowly, doing things you can do, like communicating through email, hand-written notes, texts and so on. Saying the things you'd like to say to your T. If there's anyone you can speak to, say your mother, you practice speaking to her and then take your mother to therapy with you where you might whisper something to her and she repeats it to your therapist and slowly you begin whispering a few words to your T yourself. Then more words. Small steps forward.

Slowly, over time, the limits of your comfort get pushed as you're able to communicate more.

There are many more desensitization techniques than the ones I've mentioned above. It takes someone specifically trained in the techniques to do it right, otherwise they might move too fast. It's not easy, but it can work.

Your current therapist and a therapist trained specifically in desensitization techniques could work together on a treatment plan for you. Many university psychology departments would be able to provide referrals to therapists qualified in these techniques.

I used desensitization on two problems I had -- an excessive startle response due to PTSD and a simple phobia I'd had since childhood. It improved me about 90% on both. I still have an exaggerated startle response, but I haven't clobbered anyone or even shouted at anyone who came up quietly behind me in years ...and that's a BIG improvement. Desensitization is hard work, but it can bring about big improvements in a relatively short period of time.

It's possible that if you used desensitization to make it possible for you to talk to your current T that s/he would then be able to help you more deeply with anxiety, shyness, depression and whatever else is important for your well being.

I wish you the best.

Edited to add: Just because you're being transferred to adult services soon, it doesn't mean that you need to wait. If you could start desensitization soon, you could have significant improvement by the time your birthday arrives. My phobia was drastically improved in less than a month. I went from paralysis when exposed to phobic conditions to being able to function without fear most of the time when confronted by the formerly feared thing. Good luck to you.

[growlycat]

I had selective mutism as a child, and it is very painful and can make you feel locked into yourself. I know it was the beginning of my anxiety issues.

What Snakecharmer said is right on…also, every new situation is a new chance to try to act a little bit differently. As a kid, changing schools was a fresh start.

[rainbow8]

I suffered from selective mutism when I was a child and young teenager. There wasn't much help in those days but now I read a lot about treatment
and successes. Were you diagnosed with SM ever, and treated by a specialist in the field? There's an excellent organization, called something like "Selective Mutism Group". You can look it up online. There is a lot information about treating children, but I used to read posts from teenagers and adults too.

SnakeCharmer gave you some good advice as to how selective mutism is treated. I also read that Prozac or similar meds helped with the anxiety.

When I had SM, it was called elective mutism because it was thought that people CHOSE not to speak. I wasn't silent because I wanted to be but because I just couldn't get the words out! I was fortunate that I got over the mutism by myself but I was always shy. Therapy was hard even though I talked by then. Writing is still easier for me than speaking. I would suggest seeing a T who knows something about treating people with SM. I also think an art therapist might work. When I am busy using my hands in an activity (once I fingerpainted) in my session, I found that it was easier to talk. I empathize with you and understand your struggles! I hope you can get the help you need to get better.