[RedSun]

Trigger csa and SI

So I talked to t today about stuff that's come up for me recently...memories that I wasn't sure about, then felt sure of, then felt I had made up

So she said, lets go with how does it feel if it was true
Ugh, I think I spent half the session looking at the carpet, but actually somewhere horrible, aged 14, omg, awful.
Still don't know if I believe myself, t says that okay.
Today is hubbies birthday, he is out now but will be back for champagne and laughs and sex with me etc. it is so hard to keep it all together..put the kids to bed, tidy up, spend time with everyone, now I need to be nice to hubbie.

I feel like cutting my arm off and drinking until I can't think about anything, but I need to be a good mum and a good partner, and then tomorrow we have lots of friends over for a party. I'm looking forward to it, it just feels like an effort to hold everything together.

T said I could call her, or email, or have extra session if I needed it...don't know what this will achieve though. I need to stop dwelling on the past and be a good person in the present time. I just feel disgusted with me.

[Leah123]

What if you considered that being a good partner was being honest and authentic? Your husband, hopefully, loves you, and will want to share your struggles with you. That doesn't mean you need to share any specific details, but all this talk of hiding and keeping it together... it's understandable but harmful. It helps increase those 'wanting to cut off my arm and drinking until I can't think feelings' and those won't help your family either: they pick up on these things, and they will influence your relationships.

I've found it's really healthy for my family to know how I'm really doing, and they're happier for it, actually, becuase mommy's not trying to put on a false front that is confusing, sends mixed messages. I know it can feel risky to be honest with a spouse, but I just hope you'll consider it's possible to celebrate his birthday without denying yourself, that there can be room for both.

I hope you take good care of yourself, you deserve it!

[RedSun]

Thank you

I just can't. I don't want him seeing me differently, or feeling sorry for me. I might just lose it completely if I don't have to keep the facade if that makes sense.

[HazelGirl]

It's not your fault. At all. None of it is. How you're feeling is not your fault, the fact that you need to rest is not up our fault. The confusion is not your fault. You do not need to feel disgusted.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Red75

Thank you

I just can't. I don't want him seeing me differently, or feeling sorry for me. I might just lose it completely if I don't have to keep the facade if that makes sense.

But why? Why is it so important to "keep it together"? Why can't you allow yourself to fall apart in front of him?

[Leah123]

The fear of losing it completely is powerful, but the reality is that we don't. We get upset, we recover. Hiding and denying the upset I think is truly more harmful and makes it seem worse.

I do understand, I just hope you'll come to a place at some point where you can be yourself in your relationship. It's a very empowering, healing experience I've found. Just some food for thought about listening to your fears... they're loud, but do they tell the truth, or are they old, based on old messages from your original family or elsewhere.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by Red75

Thank you

I just can't. I don't want him seeing me differently, or feeling sorry for me. I might just lose it completely if I don't have to keep the facade if that makes sense.

Makes complete sense Go there when you're ready, and not a moment before

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

But why? Why is it so important to "keep it together"? Why can't you allow yourself to fall apart in front of him?

It doesn't always end well. It's not something to do when you are not ready. That's just me though.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

It doesn't always end well. It's not something to do when you are not ready. That's just me though.

I can totally understand if the situation is a callous or abusive husband. I believe you have said yours is abusive, if I am remembering correctly. But if someone has a loving and caring husband, this is something they would want to know and would want to support you through.

[RedSun]

My husband is lovely. We've been together for over twenty years though not married for that long.
I just feel that keeping up the facade is holding me together, keeping me going. I can't afford to let up, or I will lose it. I've got too much to do, I have a job interview this week, an essay to write, exam revision, work.....kids, friends, hubbie....dog, running, housework...
Ugh. My t was lovely though.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I can totally understand if the situation is a callous or abusive husband. I believe you have said yours is abusive, if I am remembering correctly. But if someone has a loving and caring husband, this is something they would want to know and would want to support you through.

You make a good point, though I cringe at him being called abusive. He's an insensitive arse with a boatload of his own stuff that he refuses to face, but that's neither here nor there.

I do understand being hesitant to share stuff. It's not easy at all. If the OP is not ready yet I don't believe she should force herself. Having said that I don't believe she should force herself to keep it in either. It's a delicate balance, kinda have to go with it I suppose... It'll come when it comes.

[Polibeth]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It is hard to move past. You should not feel disgusted with yourself.

[RedSun]

Sorry to be so needy, and on here again.
Managed to get away with going to bed before h to avoid any jiggy business. I don't think I could do that right now.
I had mini waves of panic all night, no sleep. I'm going to see a friend this morning and I really don't want, because I feel like I haven't got the head space for chit chat. Want I feel like doing is SI and pacing round the kitchen!
Is this what happened to you all? Will it pass? Should I see t? How would that help?
Sorry for all the questions.
Sorry sorry sorry.

[someone321]

I'm sorry that you struggle so much... I can relate to it and I really hate these feelings... Yes, it also happens to me, usually I have only one day really bad, but sometimes it takes 3-4 days. When it was really bad (like all these self-hatred, si, sui thoughts etc.), I sent an e-mail to T, and I had an additional session - it always helped a lot and in my case these were the best sessions. Maybe it could work also for you?

[JaneC]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time of it Red. And there is absolutely no need to apologise, that is what this forum is for. Just check me out being needy in my thread too!

I am not as far in to talking as you are, at all. But just briefly talking about talking about it sets me off. I try to be good to myself, try to give myself the peace and quiet and space that I need. This week I had an extra session with my T and it really helped, even immediately once I had made the appointment. Just knowing that he was being supportive by seeing me helped to calm my emotions and feelings and urges.

Please find some time for you and self care, be kind to yourself.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Red75

Sorry to be so needy, and on here again.
Managed to get away with going to bed before h to avoid any jiggy business. I don't think I could do that right now.
I had mini waves of panic all night, no sleep. I'm going to see a friend this morning and I really don't want, because I feel like I haven't got the head space for chit chat. Want I feel like doing is SI and pacing round the kitchen!
Is this what happened to you all? Will it pass? Should I see t? How would that help?
Sorry for all the questions.
Sorry sorry sorry.

It sounds like contacting T and telling her how you feel would be a good idea. I know sometimes just talking things through with someone who understands and cares can help me. It will pass, but it's okay to feel that way to. It's one thing to feel something and another to act on it. Seems to me like you do need support from your T right now. And please post more, don't feel sorry

[JustShakey]

Don't be sorry Red.
I agree that you should call or email your T if you can. Perhaps meeting with the friend will turn out for the best. Sometimes a distraction is the best thing, even if we don't seem to want it at the time.

[Abe Froman]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I can totally understand if the situation is a callous or abusive husband. I believe you have said yours is abusive, if I am remembering correctly. But if someone has a loving and caring husband, this is something they would want to know and would want to support you through.

This.

If I was married and my wife were having a tough time, I'd want to know so I could try my best to give her what she needed, whatever that might be.

I wish you the best through all that you have going on. That goes for everyone too.

[RedSun]

Thanks Abe.

Maybe one day....

[RedSun]

Trigger SI

I emailed my t and she offered me an extra session on Monday. So, I thought, only two more days to get through....
Hubbie has said that its too much money to spend on therapy, and I should wait til Thursday.
I had felt so much better just knowing I had a session soon. I am struggling a bit, SI is an issue....
But thanks for all your thoughts, it helps a lot
Xx

[JustShakey]

Red, put your foot down with your Hubbie and go on Monday. You need this for you.
It might be too much money, but what good is money at the end of the day. Like I told T way back when, I can't really afford therapy, but I can't not afford therapy more. It's like a long-term investment to me. I've had to be very strong with my H about this. If he had his way I would not be 'wasting my time and money' or 'letting T put ideas in my head'.

[RedSun]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Red, put your foot down with your Hubbie and go on Monday. You need this for you.
It might be too much money, but what good is money at the end of the day. Like I told T way back when, I can't really afford therapy, but I can't not afford therapy more. It's like a long-term investment to me. I've had to be very strong with my H about this. If he had his way I would not be 'wasting my time and money' or 'letting T put ideas in my head'.

Thanks Shakey.
I know I should do that. I'm very good at telling other. People not to let their men walk all over them
It's our anniversary today, he is being a grumpy bugger. I can't ask about going because he will bring up me working- though I am looking for a job and have interviews this week.
I just feel rubbish. I don't want to talk to anyone apart from t, cos I feel so restless and panicky. Thanks for all your support