[Solepa]

Hello wonderful people,

I would like to ask you for your thoughts and ideas as I am lost.

I came to therapy motivated to change the way things were/are and I was determined to do my best to make it effective. I pay out of pocket so I also don´t like to waste my time and sessions without trying to make the best out of it.

I am in therapy already for 1 year and half and I am quite frustrated everything is taking ages. I feel like I am really trying but sometimes I don´t know what should I do exactly or how to move forward. Also I don´t feel my therapist are matching my "speed".

My first therapist told me everything has its own time and I felt sometimes she was slowing things down.

My current therapist told me I need to let go. I need to stop trying so hard and just be me. When I ask what should I do now and what steps in the process to take she tells me I don´t need to know and it will happen if I let it.

Hm sounds weird to me. I can´t afford to be in therapy for much longer and I need things to progress and I always thought motivation and trying on the client´s side are important. So I don´t really understand what she is asking of me.
They have all the time in the world as they get paid but I don´t so it feels frustrating when they are taking ages with everything.

What should I do? Even if I decide to listen to them and "let go". What it actually means? How do I do it?

I am control freak. I need rules and I like to have a plan otherwise I get anxious and feel like things are too chaotic to cope. I can´t just wait and see what happens ...nothing good ever come out of that.

.... any tips?

Thank you and best wishes on your journeys !

[stopdog]

When the first one I see started talking about not needing to know and not having any structure and so forth, I found a second one who is much better at explaining to me, who has a structure, and who has never once said the word process or attachment to me.

[Altered Moment]

If you are a control freak and need lots of structure and planning maybe the therapist is trying to get you to let go of some of that need to control.

To me it means setting goals, making plans, doing the foot work, but leaving the outcome in the hands of the universe. Make your plans but stay in the moment. You can really only do what is in front of you in this moment and can't control the future. One day at a time philosophy.

It's hard to answer your question not knowing what kind of things you want to work on. Are there things that you can say or work on that will really take you out of your comfort zone, that feel scary to discuss? If so that might bring progress.

[Soccer mom]

I found out there are stages to what I'm going through. I asked my T. why she never told me and she said that first I would obsess about what stage I'm in and second she's more interested in my emotions and getting me to feel everything. I am also a control freak so she can't tell me EVERYTHING.
Does she give you homework or things to think about in between sessions? Maybe that would help you feel you have something to do and, in turn, speed things along.

[sweepy62]

I'm like you, I need structure consistency and rules, it's hard for me to just go with the flow. Must be the aspie thing. In therapy I need steps I need to see progress and the logic behind explanations. I get frustrated if it does not happen. Even the logic of seeing someone for one hour a week to untangle a messy life, feels so illogical and irrational at times.

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[peaches100]

The harder I "try" in therapy, and the more I try to control the structure of sessions, my emotional reactions, and the outcome, the LONGER it takes me to HEAL. I think I understand exactly what your t is saying. I too am a control freak. But until I have enough trust in my t that I am willing to allow her to do more of the work, rather than trying to control and do it all myself, I will not progress. The problem is that I am paying her and showing up for sessions, but I am terrified of letting myself be as vulnerable and trusting as I need to in order to do the real work in therapy. It's a very difficult struggle for me because I have trusted and have been either exploited, used, or rejected a number of times in my life. The thought of giving up any of my outer protection (armor) strikes fear in my heart. Yet I know I need to take that risk again with my t.

[JustShakey]

Sounds like you have the same problem as me. I've been told that I overthink things and I need to let go too. I feel exactly the same way as you do about not wanting to waste time. That little hour is precious and it flies.
I don't understand letting go that well either. T used a sports analogy that makes sense to me though. It's kinda like how you don't think when you're hitting a ball, you just hit it. The thing is though, and I told T this, you first have to learn how to hit, and the only way to do that is to keep drilling (my exact words were you have to drill the sh^t out of it). So I basically told T to back down and let me learn. I am getting better, I think, but it doesn't happen overnight and I can't really expect it to.

[Petra5ed]

I hate it when people say "let go".

I would suggest you ask for book recommendations and or just go looking on your own. Google your problems, read about it... Use therapy as a supplement to your own efforts. Depending on your issue it could be a lot of things, but it's always best to tackle a problem from a number of angles. I.e. I recommend you not just trust that one therapist will solve it for you.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I hate it when people say "let go".

I would suggest you ask for book recommendations and or just go looking on your own. Google your problems, read about it... Use therapy as a supplement to your own efforts. Depending on your issue it could be a lot of things, but it's always best to tackle a problem from a number of angles. I.e. I recommend you not just trust that one therapist will solve it for you.

I agree. I've also been in therapy for 1.5 years Solepa and have the control issues. I have found it helpful to find a subtle shift in perspective where I see my T as one part of my resources instead of the be-all-end-all. I used to see him as more of my only way out of this mess, but now more often I see him as just a helpful guy I meet with once or twice a week. I still fall back to that panicky place sometimes where I think I need to make the session count or I'm screwed, but it leads to nowhere good. Just pain. Then I find myself back to good with that subtle shift of perspective. It has helped to find some support in 12-step meetings as well, though not easy for me to go consistently. Just knowing they are there helps A LOT.