[InRealLife45]

(Disclaimer: I know most of you don't like my T and are just going to recommend I leave her)

But on Wednesday my T kicked me out of session bc I started crying and kept saying "it doesn't matter, I won't bring it up again" when she was trying to figure out how to ask what I wanted her to say to make her raising her fee in the aftermath of the medicare debacle "okay."

She couldn't even formulate the question, just kept going in circles thinking out loud, and to be honest there isnt anything she can SAY to fix it, only something she can do, but she just isnt understanding that. Every-time I bring it up she focuses on the money part and not the "I feel betrayed by what you did" part.

Anyway, I just paid her a hundred dollars towards four weeks of e-mail replies on Monday. I sent an email after she kicked me out fifteen minutes early, and another the day after- she is supposed to reply on friday or saturday, but she didn't. Zero contact whatsoever, and on monday she had rescheduled my sep 22 session to sep 26, so I'm not supposed to see her until my regular Wed session, but I feel worried that her actions this past session mean that I'm terminated, and I can't know for sure bc my recorder malfunctioned and I only got fifteen minutes of the session, and the other lost fifteen minutes is lost to me. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing I don't have it to obsess over to try to "decode."

Does getting kicked out of session then having her maintain radio silence constitute a termination? Or am I catastrophizing and over reacting?

[clairelisbeth]

To be totally honest, I'm not sure if it constitutes termination. I don't think so though-I think she would most likely say it directly.

I'm sorry that this happened-it sounds really painful.

I'm a little confused though, and just want to make sure I understand-you were crying and repeating "it doesn't matter, I won't bring it up again" re: the fee raising…..and she kicked you out??? Why, exactly? That doesn't seem like an appropriate response. I can think of very few reasons to kick a client out of a session early (feeling threatened, for ex)-but that definitely isn't one of them…..

[kaliope]

I do not think it is termination, you said she didn't know what to say to you, maybe she still doesn't.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by clairelisbeth

To be totally honest, I'm not sure if it constitutes termination. I don't think so though-I think she would most likely say it directly.

I'm sorry that this happened-it sounds really painful.

I'm a little confused though, and just want to make sure I understand-you were crying and repeating "it doesn't matter, I won't bring it up again" re: the fee raising…..and she kicked you out??? Why, exactly? That doesn't seem like an appropriate response. I can think of very few reasons to kick a client out of a session early (feeling threatened, for ex)-but that definitely isn't one of them…..

bc i had turned away from her and was crying quietly, and everytime she tried to speak i just repeated it doesnt matter so she got mad and said if i didnt have anything else to talk about maybe i should leave.

[clairelisbeth]

IRL-I'm sorry, I know that this wasn't your question….but her response was just…….cruel. I've had sessions where I just kept repeating myself over and over (one time it was "I think I should just quit, I'm a failure at therapy, I think I should just quit…..")….and I can't even fathom my T responding like yours did. Your T's response had to do with her feelings and wasn't about you. It wasn't kind or compassionate or helpful. You deserve better.

[Favorite Jeans]

What is the up-side to this therapist?

It's not a question of liking of not liking her--I obviously don't know her. It's about reading your story and thinking that you deserve better. She just doesn't sound that skilled or that compassionate. Maybe she has other redeeming qualities?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

Does getting kicked out of session then having her maintain radio silence constitute a termination? Or am I catastrophizing and over reacting?

One thing stands out: you don't feel heard. And if you don't feel your T is listening, you're not getting your money's worth.

It may be that you are catastrophising, but if so, isn't it your T's job to help you through that?

[wotchermuggle]

Did your T suggest you leave or tell you to leave. There is a difference.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Did your T suggest you leave or tell you to leave. There is a difference.

First she said "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"
I said "I can go if you want."
She said "Yeah, maybe you should go."
Then she said she was trying to figure out (with me) what she could say to "make it better for me" so I could move on to "the real work," that she understood I couldn't bc I was so stuck on the fee thing, and what did I need her to say to get over it, and I told her there wasn't anything for her to say, that I understood I wasn't going to get from her what I needed and that I just wouldn't bring it up again, so it didn't matter. So she said fine, if it doesn't matter then leave, so I can get some work done, and she stood up, which is the way she ends my sessions, so I got up and left.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

First she said "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"
I said "I can go if you want."
She said "Yeah, maybe you should go."
Then she said she was trying to figure out (with me) what she could say to "make it better for me" so I could move on to "the real work," that she understood I couldn't bc I was so stuck on the fee thing, and what did I need her to say to get over it, and I told her there wasn't anything for her to say, that I understood I wasn't going to get from her what I needed and that I just wouldn't bring it up again, so it didn't matter. So she said fine, if it doesn't matter then leave, and she stood up, which is the way she ends my sessions, so I got up and left.

She sounds like her boundaries are bit fragile. But everyone has an off day, right?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

One thing stands out: you don't feel heard. And if you don't feel your T is listening, you're not getting your money's worth.

It may be that you are catastrophising, but if so, isn't it your T's job to help you through that?

No. She isn't listening. Or if she is, she's listening to the wrong parts, getting caught up in the wrong parts. She has been mocking me, saying "sure we can talk about your obsession with the fee issue, even though it's pretty much a waste of time, we can keep talking about it, again, and again, and again, and again, its no problem to keep wasting our time talking about it." Then she is surprised when I say that its unhelpful for her to be sarcastic and keep glossing over something thats important to me, bc according to her, she's "willing" to talk about it. It shouldnt matter the sarcasm that her willingness comes with.

[wotchermuggle]

What type of therapy are you in?

I've had some CBT therapist throw stuff back at me in an attempt to spur change (crazy as that sounds) or conversation.

I've never had a psychodynamic/psychoanalysis session like that though.

She really sounds like she was really on the defensive or hoping to shock you into responding or making you talk.

I honestly don't see the being terminated/not terminated as so black and white as other ppl have posted. I would think it is a legitimate concern based on her reaction.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

What type of therapy are you in?

I've had some CBT therapist throw stuff back at me in an attempt to spur change (crazy as that sounds) or conversation.

I've never had a psychodynamic/psychoanalysis session like that though.

She really sounds like she was really on the defensive or hoping to shock you into responding or making you talk.

shes a somatic therapist, our sessions are mainly psycho analytic when she isn't steering me towards energy work. I dont think it was any attempt to spur change, I think she was frustrated and so she kicked me out. In my email to her afterwards I told her it was a missed opportunity for her to have an oz of patience with me (i recently made a therapy coupon books for situations like these), and that it was an example of her doing one thing and saying another; ie "I want to talk to you/maybe you should leave." in practically the same breath. It's the e-mail she didnt reply to. She gets really defensive if I accuse her of anything.

[granite1]

hey irl what do you want to say to her and have her say about the fee. if you said she cant say anything to make it better is it that you want to continue to beat her with this decision more. I totally agree it is so not helpful for her to be sarcastic about it . other then saying she was not going to raise her fee what can she say that you will exsept

[RTerroni]

Sorry that happened to you, you should probably leave her and look for someone new.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by granite1

hey irl what do you want to say to her and have her say about the fee. if you said she cant say anything to make it better is it that you want to continue to beat her with this decision more. I totally agree it is so not helpful for her to be sarcastic about it . other then saying she was not going to raise her fee what can she say that you will exsept

its not about the fee!!!!!!!! its about the fact that SHE WAS WILLING TO LET ME GO (for any reason), willing to let me go over $32.50 per session, that after two years of getting $87.50, instead of continuing to accept it, she decided to stop seeing me if I couldn't pay $32.50 more per session. It's about the fact that the only reason she decided top accept it again is due to my filing a grievance against my insurance, and that she now feels she "has" to see me. Its about the feeling of betrayal, its about feeling blindsided that she could do that to me, its about it being obvious (to me) that if she could do that to me, then she doesnt care. There are no words to fix that.

[granite1]

I get that , I really do .but if you are telling her there is nothing she can say what do you want her to do. I agree that being sarcastic isn't the answer but on this one only you can have the answer. again if this is how she feels and you feel and you wont accept anything she has to say about it but you don't want to leave her what can she do . I know you don't want to leave her but it seems like you only want to stay to frustrate her and tell her you wont leave but there is nothing she can say or do to help you . totally frustrating for both of you

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by granite1

I get that , I really do .but if you are telling her there is nothing she can say what do you want her to do. I agree that being sarcastic isn't the answer but on this one only you can have the answer. again if this is how she feels and you feel and you wont accept anything she has to say about it but you don't want to leave her what can she do . I know you don't want to leave her but it seems like you only want to stay to frustrate her and tell her you wont leave but there is nothing she can say or do to help you . totally frustrating for both of you

i want her to hear what im actually saying, and stop focusing on the money when it really isnt about that. she cant say the right thing if she cant even hear what im saying in the first place.

[granite1]

that makes a ton of sense. at least you have a thought that there might be a right thing to say . have you thought about what that might be . I know you want to hear you but how can she show you that she has. you are so hurt by all this it is going to take a lot of work and patience on both parts . I wish she would stop over the money also

[clairelisbeth]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

its not about the fee!!!!!!!! its about the fact that SHE WAS WILLING TO LET ME GO (for any reason), willing to let me go over $32.50 per session, that after two years of getting $87.50, instead of continuing to accept it, she decided to stop seeing me if I couldn't pay $32.50 more per session. It's about the fact that the only reason she decided top accept it again is due to my filing a grievance against my insurance, and that she now feels she "has" to see me. Its about the feeling of betrayal, its about feeling blindsided that she could do that to me, its about it being obvious (to me) that if she could do that to me, then she doesnt care. There are no words to fix that.

If there are no words to fix it, then why stay and continue to torture yourself? This incident is one more example of how this T isn't qualified and is damaging you.

I think she is hearing you. Yes she was willing to let you go because your insurance was no longer going to pay. I've had read on here about Ts who have raised fees..or no longer see a client if they couldn't pay the out of pocket rate. This is some Ts boundaries. You may not like it but that may be her policy.

She may need to change that policy due to the grievance policy of the insurance company.

It is probably right that there isn't anything she can say ...

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I think she is hearing you. Yes she was willing to let you go because your insurance was no longer going to pay. I've had read on here about Ts who have raised fees..or no longer see a client if they couldn't pay the out of pocket rate. This is some Ts boundaries. You may not like it but that may be here policy.

She may need to change that policy due to the grievance policy of the insurance company.

It is probably right that there isn't anything she can say ...

Except the insurance has agreed to pay again, and they've signed a contract for me, and I don't understand how she was willing to not see me if -i- couldn't pay an additional $32.50, but now suddenly it's okay again bc the insurance is paying? Plus we talked before about what would happen if I ever lost my insurance and she said not to worry, that she wouldn't stop seeing me, but that's exactly what she did. Tried to do. So if it's a boundary, it's new, bc I have the previous conversation about it recorded. And my insurance isn't making her see me. Pretty sure shes very aware now that I am not afraid to sic a lawyer on my insurance re: continuity of care, and I think she's afraid I'd do it to her so that's why she's still seeing me.

Also my insurance is racking up a huge debt bc they agreed to pay her but they haven't actually paid her since this **** all started in June. I think that's part of her frustration bc she says she won't keep seeing anyone who hasn't paid her but she also won't let me pay her but she keeps letting me know they haven't paid her but she's still seeing me. I feel very confused, like the reason she's telling me this is so that I stop coming by myself bc she claims she cant terminate me.

[growlycat]

I am really sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds excruciating.

[wotchermuggle]

Man, this is so complicated. I really feel for you.

[CantExplain]

Ts are professional listeners and are supposed to know something about human nature. If she doesn't understand you, that's her failure not yours.

I stayed too long with a T who could not or would not understand.