[HazelGirl]

My T still has my journal. And it's still incredibly anxiety-provoking. I want to talk to her about it, but I know I would just be repeating everything I have already said. And I am anxious about a lot of other things, too. And they're causing me to spiral into my mental place of "everyone hates me, life is hopeless, I should just go away and never come back". And I don't know how to get out of it. It's scary how accurate it feels, even when a part of my mind knows it's really irrational.

I don't like this whole thing. I don't like any of it at all.

[sweepy62]

Was it alot to read? Are you anxious about the feedback ? Or about that maybe you wrote something about her? Just so you know, it's expected to feel anxious, it's not everybody who would hand a journal to a t.

Not every t would accept a journal to read, they might not have time to read it or something . Getting anxious provokes negative feelings, maybe that's why you are spiraling.

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[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Was it alot to read? Are you anxious about the feedback ? Or about that maybe you wrote something about her? Just so you know, it's expected to feel anxious, it's not everybody who would hand a journal to a t.

Not every t would accept a journal to read, they might not have time to read it or something . Getting anxious provokes negative feelings, maybe that's why you are spiraling.

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Yes. It was a LOT to read, over 100 pages, most of it written in 2013, and I don't remember a lot of it. So I am really scared about what I wrote. She said she would tell me whenever she read some of it, and what she thought, so I will be receiving feedback as she reads it (and that way I know she hasn't read something that makes her hate me ).

I am also anxious about some other things, like a root canal that I need to have done on Monday.

And it's complicated to explain, but I am scared that I have caused everyone around me to dislike me because of some of the things I have done. I don't feel like I have anyone I can turn to.

[HazelGirl]

And I texted her way earlier today, and she hasn't texted back at all. I know it's the weekend, and she is probably with her family, but it still makes me nervous.

[Abe Froman]

First, I felt bad about some of the bad things I had done too. T told me everyone has regrets, no one needs to punish themselves over them.(I'm still working on that myself)

But also, have you tried meditation and breathing exercises? That app(probably more than one) that you can download to your phone. I tried it the other night for the first time, seemed to help. Might give you a few minutes of peace and calm some of the anxiety. Insight Timer is what I used.

Best wishes.

[sweepy62]

A root canal can cause alot of anxiety, trust me I know. You know your t won't hate you for whatever you wrote. You are also feeling vulnerable, when I feel vulnerable , I get anxiety, and irritable , then I start thinking I'm disgusting and everyone hates me or thinks that way about me. The only difference is I get angry and start treating them bad. Pushing them away for no reason.

Our minds our so powerful . My mind creates the most bizarre scenarios you would not believe, and I believe it. It's not rational.

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[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Abe Froman

First, I felt bad about some of the bad things I had done too. T told me everyone has regrets, no one needs to punish themselves over them.(I'm still working on that myself)

But also, have you tried meditation and breathing exercises? That app(probably more than one) that you can download to your phone. I tried it the other night for the first time, seemed to help. Might give you a few minutes of peace and calm some of the anxiety. Insight Timer is what I used.

Best wishes.

I do have meditations and guided imagery stuff. It doesn't help a lot, but it does help a little.

I do feel like I need to punish myself, though I don't know how to convince myself that I don't need to.

Originally Posted by sweepy62

A root canal can cause alot of anxiety, trust me I know. You know your t won't hate you for whatever you wrote. You are also feeling vulnerable, when I feel vulnerable , I get anxiety, and irritable , then I start thinking I'm disgusting and everyone hates me or thinks that way about me. The only difference is I get angry and start treating them bad. Pushing them away for no reason.

Our minds our so powerful . My mind creates the most bizarre scenarios you would not believe, and I believe it. It's not rational.

I tend to run away when I'm feeling anxious and vulnerable, rather than lashing out and driving people away. I get distant and aloof, and that's how I have been for the past two months, since the awful thing.

[Abe Froman]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I do feel like I need to punish myself, though I don't know how to convince myself that I don't need to.

Me too

[hoping2smile]

I like the "breathe" app. It also takes a physical and mental inventory. I have been trying to do it every day and I think it does help but you really need to practice to get into it.

[HazelGirl]

I know this is just anxiety, but I have been feeling like I am going to die from all the stress I am dealing with. I feel like my mind and body can't handle the pressure and that I will literally die from it. I know that's not actually true, but it is increasing how anxious I feel.

And my T's only suggestion was to take my anxiety medication (which I should do more often and do forget I have). I just wish she could magically do something else to fix everything. I know that's not possible, but still...