Sudden Memory....feel like I need T

Trigger warning, sexual reference to rape or....I hope this is ok to type here, I just need this out and some support & advice.

I have had a sore neck today, and frequently since talking about getting ready to discuss specifics of trauma in therapy I regularly get a really sore neck and have no idea why at the time.

So today I suddenly connected some dots and I am really overwhelmed right now with tears and shaking and fear. I feel like I need to talk to T, but I know I should wait until Friday for my appointment.

Today I realised that my neck pain comes whenever I feel pressured or forced to do or say something I don't want to. Then I remembered the times that I have been triggered whilst having sex, especially performing oral sex on men, and have freaked out and found myself shaking and crying...whenever my partner has put his hand on my head or neck with any pressure.(Sorry, this is really hard for me to write but I need it out as I am not doing ok right now)

I am not sure if it comes from one of the specific times I was raped, but I know I started freaking out during sex from about 19, or from earlier stuff which I can't talk about.

I feel so sick right now......my body is hurting and I can't stop crying and shaking. I am trying all of my coping strategies and I guess it will eventually stop......

This is the first time I have ever written specific things down like this so it is also scaring me. Please be kind with your responses. I'm sorry if this is too much.

Should I email T, or wait until tomorrow and see how I feel? This feels awful.

I would wait and I would try breathing or a warm bath or something like that. I have one therapist who does not encourage calling so I would definitely not call that one. I have another one who does encourage calling - and if it was really bad and did not go away I might call that one.
I would possibly email the first one just to get it out. I don't like her to reply so that would not be a part of it for me.
Does the therapist you see encourage emailing or calling and relying on her or is she a wait until the appointment sort? If you email and don't get a reply will you feel worse or worried?

Jane... What you may be experiencing from what others have posted on here isn't uncommon... It could be a body memory... What makes it so horrible is that it feels like it's happening now... Does it help if you talk out loud and say to yourself.... I'm in my house...it's 2014...I am safe... It's not happening now.... And do some breathing relaxation breathing exercises...

I do understand that having a "new" memory or realization is stressful and reaching out to your T is something that might make it somewhat easier to deal with...

I'm so bad at understanding the time differences... Is it business hours yet? I think Friday seems to far away...can you call to at least see if he can fit you in earlier? During this time,you may need to consider twice a week sessions?

You doing okay Jane? It's almost 2am here and I'm about to head to bed but I wanted to check in...

Thanks to you both.

SD...my T is happy for me to email him, and often replies quickly but only in business hours. He has been ok for me to call which I have done in the past when super overwhelmed.

RTS....Its early evening here Monday. Friday does seem a long way away. I was doing all of my coping stuff like you mentioned......not a lot of help.

I think I dissociated, because I just 'woke up' and was on my sofa under a blanket. I finished typing what I did above, felt myself go away...... now I'm back. Sigh.

I just ache all over, keep gagging, neck hurts and feel sick .....and completely freezing.

I wonder if it might be a good idea to email T so he can read it in the morning.....at least he can have the memory and I may not have to deal with it?

This feels awful, and like I am keeping the rooms of memories in my head firmly closed by leaning up against the doors. Ugh. It'd be nice if I could just go away for a while again.

(I think we were writing at the same time... definitely email him if you think it would help)
Is there anything that can work to calm you in the moment? If you can't get through the moment, maybe leave a message for T. If you can get through the moment, you could email him.
When I was doing some specific trauma work with previous T, she would encourage contact around stuff like this, even if just to leave her a message to let her know that more stuff was coming up between sessions. I second (or third?) the opinion of maybe getting another session in there at least this week if you can.
Stuff like that can be pretty unnerving when it comes up, and it's ok to ask for more support. (gentle hugs)

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must be so incredibly difficult. Nobody should have to re - experience things like this, or ever experience it in the first place. I would suggest contacting your T if they are typically supportive and you feel it might help you. I don't feel that it's a given that you "should" wait til your next appointment to talk about it. Memories like this are unpredictable and highly distressing. Wanting to talk with your T right away is completely normal, understandable, and natural. No need to fight that. I wish I had some better words of advice. Keep your head up and know that you are strong and will get through this, no matter how difficult it gets. I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

I just don't understand how or why this suddenly has to come up. I haven't spoken about any specifics at all with T.

And this scares the **** out of me......how am I going to be once we do? I said to T last week, how am I going to manage my daily life when we do begin?

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to go back to not feeling anything, not remembering and just living with the less than great life I have. It may at least be easier than this............

Does anyone else wonder that sometimes?

Hi jane, I'm sorry your having a tough time, my thoughts are with you . I have asked my T the same questions, and Ts response is that you will. You will get through daily life, it's reliving it, but the reality that we must remember is that we have lived this before and come through it too.
I would love to live without feeling the pain, anger, shame and everything else that comes with our experiences. However I know that being numb to those feelings also means being numb to happiness, joy and love - and today I want those (I might change my mind tomorrow ).
I'm sorry your feeling this. I have had realisations like this too, spent days agonising over it and then tell T, and in just telling T it seems a little less scary and big in my mind. I can recall telling T one thing that kept me awake every night for the week, told T, slept so well and the thought hasn't come back. We didn't go in to detail, I said it out loud and it lost its power. That's why our abusers want us silent, we give silence power, our thoughts power, but when you say it out loud sometimes it deflates like a balloon.
A big hug for you jane I hope you are enjoying the late afternoon sun as much as I am!

I don't know how I would tell T to his face actually, we haven't spoken about any sexual stuff. That alone scares the heck out of me.

I have calmed somewhat, but still crying on and off and hurting. I also get this high pitched ringing in my ears at times like this. Sorry I'm complaining.

Maybe I need to email T to get it out there, and so we can maybe talk about it Friday.........

I wonder this all the time Jane. But I really am hopeful that, once it's worked through in a safe place with someone who can hold it with you, the power and energy from those memories will lessen. I'm not sure they ever go away, but they hopefully won't have the power to overwhelm and debilitate as they are now. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. big big hugs from me too.

And, I know it may not be helpful, but one to look at this is, you ARE getting through it. Right now. You are re-experiencing that pain and torment, feeling it in your body as it leaves, because you have unlocked it and let it go.

You are okay, you are communicating on here, you are safe. It will hopefully never be as bad again as it is right now, because I have found it lessens with each 'revisit'.

You are so brave. You are so strong, even if you don't feel it right now. Email your t and let him take some of the pain for you.

xxxxxxx

Emailing works. Sometimes I email T something and say that I'm emailing it because I know ill chicken out when we face to face. T then knows to raise it when we together.

Thank you Red....the highlighted bit really hit home. I don't feel safe at times like this, even on here, so it was huge for me to post what I did. Thank you for understanding I might need to hear that.

I sent an email to T. Now I hope I can let it go....and maybe find sleep tonight, if I can stop bloody crying. I'm supposed to work tomorrow.

Thanks for the support.

I am sorry you are going through this now. I know how horrible it is. What T told me when I questioned why it wasn't a problem for so many years and suddenly it was a huge issue is that my mind was protecting me all those years as I wasn't able to deal with it then. She says our minds have an amazing ability to do so. Often once a person is able and has the proper support systems then the memories start flooding back especially if the triggers are there.

I say reach out now to your T know. Be gentle and kind with yourself and allow your T to help you.

((Jane))

Just wanted to say: you aren't alone, you are safe now, well done for keeping going.


Bluegrey

Absolutely, email your T right away. Hugs.

((Jane)), I am sorry you had this surface and it is challenging you so much right now. I have experienced these type of questions that I had not realized I had storred in a way that I could later experience like that.

You have a overall "theme" to your challenge Jane. What you have "missed" is having a person that was there in a more "caring" way for you, we all need that. You have been exploring your own "worth" as you recall things that were uncomfortable for you and made you feel the other person was "not caring about you" too.

When it comes to learning how to be "intimate' with another person, the average person doesn't really know "how" to do that. Often males get ideas from porn too, and they really don't understand the difference between "caring intimacy" verses just getting their own satisfaction. When a person discovers themselves, they develop their own mental way of understanding the intensity of accomplishing total gratification. What you have discribed of your experience is how a partner got caught up in his needs and that became a priority. Unfortunately, what you have described is a partner that only learned how to be "selfish". And the problem with that is these type of men don't even realize they are being selfish because their female partners often don't know how to be intimate in a way where "they" are also gaining pleasure from the intimacy. To put it mildly, many women "fake" it because they don't know how to lead their male partner so they get their needs met too. Often women are shy and embarassed about this too, so they end up just pleasing the male and "intimacy" is not true intimacy. That would be something that would come up in a person who did not have an understanding of, or was helped to understand "true caring".

You have talked about how you were gaining a comforting feeling from your son's stuffed animal. Your son saw you had been enjoying his stuffed animal and you told him that you liked having it, but you gave it back to your son. Well, your son thought about it and decided to "give" you his stuffed animal and that was a very moving moment for you. That is when your son began to see "your needs" and learn how to empathize and think about "you" verses "just himself". That is an important "lesson" a child needs to learn, often that lesson is not taught either. But, you have been providing the right kind of care for your son all along because he has experienced "love and nurturing" from you. All along you have been telling your son, he is loved and worthy of that love too. He isn't "just there" Jane, instead he knows you "see him" and "you love and genuinely care".

Unfortunately, a lot of parents really do not understand how to raise their children with an understanding of "caring and empathy". The end result is what you have experienced with your sister, you just needed her to hold your hand and give you a hug and she did not know "how" to provide that for you. That is the end result of having a parent that doesn't understand how to provide this "needed nurturing" to their child.

Jane, a lot of men do not know "how" to have a caring relationship with women. A lot of women end up in relationships that are not very "rewarding", this has been taking place for a long time too. Women went from being very submissive in a marriage to going in the opposite direction and often having more power than the male. Men really don't know what to do anymore and that is clearly evident in the relationship forum which is one of the most active places in this entire site.

This is where you need to learn how to use your "wise mind" more too. It is quite the challenge because when these strong emotional experiences come forward, they are very confusing and as you know, feel like one is being punished somehow. However, that is not the case, you are not being punished, you are just emotionally confused and you have to sort through it all so you can develop more "balance" in yourself that has been a long time "deserved".

You say you wish you did not have to feel emotions. However, it is not really a question of not feeling them, it is a question of allowing yourself to feel them so you can finally have the opportunity to understand them better. You need to learn how to look at your emotions with an understanding of the bigger picture, instead of feeling you are "just unworthy" somehow. For example, in the situation you have discribed the truth is you did not "know" how to experience it in a healthier way, and neither did the other person you were with. This is something that happens "alot" with people in general, not just you. When you recall whatever "hurt" you in this context, you have to be able to understand that whatever way you reacted was simply because it is really all you knew how to do, however, this really does happen to a lot of people and your therapist has heard this time and time again. You are one woman of thousands that are divorced and wonder what they did wrong, is it their fault etc. This problem Jane is and has been a big problem in society overall, not just "you" but many both male and female are struggling.

I raised my daughter with a lot of affection and hand holding and back rubbing and she definitely knew she was loved. However, in her generation she is finding that many of her peirs don't know "how" to do this. It has been a challenge for her because she has not understood "what is wrong with her" either, but it isn't what is wrong with her, it is how her piers just don't "know how". Her "confidence" tends to intimidate others, not her fault.

What we are imprinted with as we grow up is what we build on, if we don't know what something really means or "how", it is very "normal" to feel confused. It isn't anyone's fault either. Unfortunately, the shift in our society here in the States has become "very selfish" too. That video you watched in your other thread is expressing the concern from these individuals in the field of psychology where the challenges of adults, many adults are stemming from "bad parenting" and "growing up in dysfunction".

When working through these different life experiences that come forward and present you with confusing emotions, that as you know can be crippling at times, none of it is to "punish" you ((Jane)).

We can't physically hold hands with you here, but we are there for you with a great deal of support trying to hold hands psychologically. You are really not "alone" with these kinds of challenges. A lot of people are "awkward" at having the capacity to sit and listen and talk about these different challenges, not because you are unworthy, but, because often people simply don't know "how". See, when people do not "hand hold and hug" it is really because they don't know "how" Jane, this is a problem that is taking place with a lot of people, not just you. Actually this is why people like Oprah Winfrey got so popular, because she dared to ask the questions others were too afraid to ask.

Your "healing" journey is not about "fault finding" Jane. It is more about finally taking the time to "review" your past and finally understand it better and understanding "emotions" are not something to be ashamed of or to even self punish for, they are there because of how you experienced things and just didn't know "how" to understand them better emotionally at the time. Your sister not being able to give you a hug means that she doesn't know "how" to either.

It is important to understand how the brain really works Jane too. That video I posted in a different thread expressed the importance of "staying in the now" with your body while you "heal" too. Your walks on the beach, your time with your son, your learning in school again are all "in the now" Jane. Making sure you take time out to work your body too so that part of you is also in the "now" is important too.

Your brain is doing a lot of extra work right now too. You are learning how to process things that you did not know "how" to before. Using your wise mind to slowly see the bigger picture and help you finally decide what to keep and what is "garbage" that you can finally "throw away" will help you slowly gain in actually "feeling better" and really growing as a person. Often what we unknowingly learn how to do that isn't good for us is "absorb" the opinions of others. Healing is about slowly realizing that the opinions of others are a lot of "garbage" and that we really don't have to decide to emotionally absorb these opinions. That is what "emotional intelligence" is all about. It is no longer about "suppressing" our emotions, instead it is being able to understand that when another person, for example tells us we don't have the right dishes, we can actually make the choice of realizing that is not something we should react to with an emotional feeling of unworthiness and hurt. Instead, we realize that when another person behaves like that, it is that person who is actually not developed and is actually just expressing their "selfishness".

One of the "positives" about PTSD, is how much one can learn that many never learn and live out their lives just "ignoring". I know you don't see that right now Jane, but eventually you "will". You are certainly "intelligent" enough for this "learning", it just takes time and "lots of patience".

I'm so sorry you are having these feelings, I know them well. They feel horrible. I have yet to describe those memories to my t.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[quote=Open Eyes;4022941 And the problem with that is these type of men don't even realize they are being selfish because their female partners often don't know how to be intimate in a way where "they" are also gaining pleasure from the intimacy. [/quote]

OE, thanks for the reply. A lot of what you have to say is very true. I just need to say though....

It's not an intimacy issue that is the problem right now.......it's that I have such responses and where they come from. The memory of where they come from. That is the problem. I can't stand to think and feel the emotions surrounding all of that.

Sorry to jump on you, you know I care and value you and your opinions.

I just NEED to be understood, properly understood. I'm sorry but this is just so hard........

Oh ((Jane)), don't be sorry, there is nothing wrong with you wanting to clarify whatever is challenging you, in fact, it "helps" you to be able to verbalize it.

I was trying to see if I could talk about "the in general" challenges, I have found that to be helpful when I am having a hard time myself. I have had things myself that I could not get "near" even talking about. I have had "bad" things happen to me, without using triggering words, and I could not really verbalize it all either. Let's just say I have experienced extremely "selfish" individuals. Women react to it in different ways too, some women try to avoid, and some women seek to overcome it by taking it on and desensitizing themselves and finding ways "they" can gain a sense of control somehow.
Both reactions are "human" and therapists that have been practicing a while have heard all kinds of things. They don't stand in judgement either, instead they are "aware" that there are different responses to "challenges" and that in either case, it is very hard for the patient to talk about. There is shame and guilt and anger and fear involved and being able to verbalize whatever it is, is always very hard. There is an "ideal" that people head for, but then there is "real life" that takes place and rarely does a person truly live what is considered "the ideal".