Arrgh, what is going on?

Trigger CSA, SA, SI, sexual issues....

Sorry about all the triggers....

So in therapy recently we've talked (or t has tried to talk and I've stared at the floor ) about experiences that may have happened when I was a teenager, with a much older friend of my dads. I genuinely hadn't remembered any of this before, just vague snippets and feelings. I'm still not sure if it happened.
I got lots of support on here a few days ago, because I realised that, when I remembered stuff from then, I also had sexual feelings about it. this feels so shameful for me, and so confusing, ugh. And leads to SI too.
The last few days, I've been obsessed with sex. . I feel interested in lesbian sex (I have a little experience) and bdsm, and having extra marital sex with strangers. I feel disgusting. What is wrong with me?
I'm worried that if I mention it to t, it will come across all wrong...she will think I'm coming on to her or something, or it will create a barrier between us. She will think I'm disgusting to react to memories by wanting sex, especially weird sex, or sex outside my relationship. But I want to be honest with her. Anyone had any experience like this, any advice? Pease help, I feel like a freak.

Just have compassion for yourself, Red75. Society makes rules, and makes us feel guilty if possible. And there is usually good reason for morals, such as protection of children, and for protecting your heart. But when you look into depth psychology, you can be everything sexual. Go deep enough and all kinds of sexual possibilities and desires come up for review. It certainly wasn't your fault that your awakening was caused too early by someone. It's probably just been repressed as you defended against the pain and guilt then.
There is something about therapy and therapists that tends to awaken all this about sex and love. It all can go way back and be very primal. and strange. But that means it becomes conscious so you can start working on what you will keep and want out of it all. Be patient. Some parts of this subside as you keep thinking and feeling. about it, but it's part of therapy.
The more you can tell the T the more of a handle you will get on it, but it takes time and much trust. I'm sure your T would be glad for your new awareness, but will be patient as you get the courage to say more about it. T will certainly not look down on you or judge you. The sexual comes from different ages, too, from when your were very young to now. So, not all of it is relating to your present adult self but from early age where it is a stage to go through.
If this helps, keep it in mind. But if not, don't worry about what I say. I did go through this and powerful, embarrassing urges came up. I could only share it very gradually even tho my T was gentle and my own sex.

Thanks Restin. That was very helpful. I hadn't though about the sexual stuff coming from all ages of me. Feels awful though.
X

I dunno what I want to say here. I can relate, but can't formulate the words around what I want to say. Had similar experience with previous t, and if helped to talk about it. Was worried about what she would think, but she didn't get weirded out or anything. Hope you can talk to your t.

Omg! I'm really glad to read this post, though I'm sorry you're going through such hard things. I'm dealing with csa memories right now, and have found that after hard sessions I want to have sex really badly. Not just mundane, everyday sex with my boyfriend, but off the wall, harder core sex like ****, bondage, multiple partners at once. I've thought through this a lot, though never with my t because I find it horribly embarrassing, and I've come up with perhaps an elementary analysis of my reaction: I need to feel in control of my sexuality/ability to have sex. When I really about having been forced to do things I didn't want to do, I find myself seeking the most extreme (for me) activities under the same genre to do to prove to myself that I can choose. I hope that makes sense, and maybe you're finding something similar to my experience.

Tongalee, thanks so much, it's sooooo good to know I'm not the only one! I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. It makes sense, what you say, about taking back control.like pushing the boundaries, because I want them to be my boundaries, not someone else's, or something.... I also wondered if I am trying to normalise that kind of sex, to make it okay and not scary....but I don't know if I can talk to t either.

I really do know how you feel. I'm always ashamed and guilt ridden when this comes up for me. I once got so upset after a session with t that I went out clubbing and had sex with a random guy... IN THE CLUB! I told my t about that episode actually and we worked through what we thought was the issue. She originally thought that I was rebelling against her as some sort of transference issue. However, as we continue to work together, I can see that that was not the issue at all. I was not rebelling against t as much as I was against my abuse. I needed to feel control over my sexuality, and as I said before, my ability to have sex with whomever I wanted, when I wanted, and where I wanted (preferably within the limited of social acceptance next time . I often find myself needing to prove to... I dunno, me I guess, that though at one point my choice was taken from me, today, in this life, I have options. Its a secure/ safe feeling for me. However, I think that my "coping" skills need a bit of adjustment, because, though most of what I crave in these moments wouldn't be considered far outside of accepted sexual experiences, I need to make sure that I'm keeping myself safe and not causing further damage with my actions. I also really need to talk to my t more because neither you nor I should be feeling embarrassed about this, but be instead working to better understand it and possibly reroute these intense feelings to something not harmful (I mostly refer to the sex with random strangers portion since everything else is really nbd)

I do wonder what you mean by normalize that kind of sex? Do the sexual acts that come to your mind in themselves evoke fear? Or is it the fact that you think about them in the way that you do the scary part?

Therapy is (I hope!) a safe place to explore unfamiliar feelings.

When you have examined them, you may find that they are neither as shocking or as strong as you fear.

Yes, maybe if I talk about them they will feel a bit more....acceptable?

Trigger, nasty sex stuff!

Tongalee, I think the acts are scary really, maybe about domination (of me), forced stuff...ugh. Sorry. Yuck. But that kind of thing. They are scary acts, but then if one chose to do them presumably they wouldn't be scared, because they wanted to be in that situation? Wow, it's a messy muddle! Thanks for sharing about the club incident. I am married with children so that is not something I could do, but exactly what I want to do!! And maybe because I can't it makes it worse?
I've got therapy on Thursday. I don't know if I can bring it up. We are talking about SI too...great but I think these things are connected?
Thanks for sharing everyone

I've talked to a former t about some of the bdsm stuff that comes up for me. I realized that some of the harder stuff was very much related to feeling in control of my decisions and what happens. It doesn't come up as often or as intensely when I'm not in the middle of a rough patch. I didn't really get to finish talking about that stuff with t because she switched jobs, but I hope I can get back to talking about it at some point. Thanks for bringing up this topic.