[IndestructibleGirl]

I don’t know what I want from therapy, or from life on an emotional level. I miss my dead mother. I am fed up fighting with my biological mother. I am tired of feeling low-grade upset all the time at friend stuff for no proper reason. Got my fingers burnt with romance stuff and the more therapy I do the more I see I am not ‘girlfriend material’. I have nothing to offer anyone, in terms of friendship or more.

I don’t want any of this anymore, but I can’t think of what I want to replace it with. I’m not quitting therapy for now because it feels like giving up if I do, but I honestly can’t see the point in it anymore. My therapist and I have had all these ups and downs, and now it’s going really well. Last week I felt a restoration of the level of trust I was at in March, before it got all messy. She has been very sensitive and loving over the last week in particular, helping me deal with some stuff I was struggling with.

Although it means a lot to me in one way, in another it just doesn’t matter. It’s like it has finally sunk through my thick skull that no, she will never ever be my sister or anything else outside the room, and now I feel a bit of me has lost interest, which I suspect is a protective mechanism. Dumb things like her telling me stuff about her personal trainer and a row with her sister give me a quiet jab of stupid, miserable pain because they’re people she wants to spend time with and not somebody she just wants to help be less of a f#ck up.

I feel so guilty about this. I feel like a user.

She’s been so good to me. I’m on the verge of accessing some major pain and sadness in session, and I think it will be alright, but…what is the point? So I truly experience the pain with her in the moment, and bawl my lights out in the session. I have questioned her and now am no longer worried about how she might respond – she’ll give me space if I want it and she’ll hug me if I want it, etc. But what difference can it make? It might feel freeing and like a relief in the moment, but then afterwards when I go home, I will still be on my own. It will be worse because it will be more real, and glaringly obvious that I have nobody else to call for support. Still not able to relax because I can’t feel safe anywhere, ever. I can imagine also, after finally allowing a burst of that pain out, I will need to medicate somehow. Which again is not good.

I almost feel like I cannot afford to get a taste for human comfort. I have been in therapy for over a year now, and my relationships are not any better. In fact, I’m probably more bewildered, because I know now how little I know at all about human connection.

I just don’t know what I want from it all.

[Leah123]

A number of your comments in this post suggest this would be the worst time to quit and that you're on the verge of some good work.

A year in therapy really isn't long.

I hope you will hold out for that taste of human comfort again, access those emotions in the moment in therapy and enjoy the fact that it's going well. Those experiences aren't empty- they can be transformative in ways that are hard to fathom before you've experienced them.

One of your patterns which I see reemerging here now that you're in a bit calmer spot with her is to catastrophize. Might be a good time to buck that trend. (((IG)))

[HazelGirl]

A year is not a long time. I've been in therapy for 2.5 years, and am just starting to learn how to move past where you're at. It's a long and slow and often painful process.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thanks Leah. No, definitely not for quitting at the moment, I've resolved to do the therapy beast for the next while and will see it through unless something totally crazy happens. Not least because I don't want to go through the stress and pain of quitting (which would feel like abandoning myself) for no good reason, other than a vague hopelessness that there's no point, peppered with smatterings of attachment pain.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

A year is not a long time. I've been in therapy for 2.5 years, and am just starting to learn how to move past where you're at. It's a long and slow and often painful process.

HazelGirl, you're young though - at 22 you are still practically an embryo

I am hitting 30 and need to get a wiggle on, I have a need for speed.

[Leah123]

30's the new 20, don't stress about that.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

30's the new 20, don't stress about that.

Ha! I tell myself this when I get a mini freak out about it

Though sadly, for me, my physical health means I probably won't have a normal life expectancy. The approaching landmark birthday does make me think I really need to get my sh#t together and squeeze in as much as possible.

I agree a year is not a long time. I'm about to hit the 3 year mark with current t, and I'm 52. I look at it as, better late than never...

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I agree a year is not a long time. I'm about to hit the 3 year mark with current t, and I'm 52. I look at it as, better late than never...

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Agreed. This is certainly true.

I guess I am suspicious of my own tendancies to procrastinate, and so am frustrated with myself for not knowing what to aim at. I feel I should know that, at the very least.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Agreed. This is certainly true.

I guess I am suspicious of my own tendancies to procrastinate, and so am frustrated with myself for not knowing what to aim at. I feel I should know that, at the very least.

How about just to be happy. Can you sketch out what that would be like? Start from where you are as ground level and the summit as really really consistently happy?

Then start with the first step on the path from how you feel now to that goal.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

How about just to be happy. Can you sketch out what that would be like? Start from where you are as ground level and the summit as really really consistently happy?

Then start with the first step on the path from how you feel now to that goal.

This bit I've put in bold gave me an amazing visual grasp of trying to envisage happiness

It may sound slightly pathetic but I can't even conceive of ongoing happiness, or contentment, or even any spells of happiness. I have had plenty of happier times in my past, but always with abuse or illness running parallel, just being quiet in the background during the happier periods.