Judged

Deleted.

I think that how you define "feeling judged" is a very important aspect of this. I think of "judging" someone as declaring their worth or value based on their actions. I also think that's a very wrong thing to do. But a lot of people take it further and think it means telling someone they're wrong, or telling them they've done something wrong (without any effect on their worth as people). How do you define "feeling judged"? And is your definition lining up with what is actually happening?

Ah, I don't mean she's judging my worth.

No, I mean she's passing judgment on our parenting, and drawing a conclusion that may seem common sense but which is actually an inaccurate oversimplification that she couldn't back up with evidence if she tried.

She may mean something different by "judging". Maybe ask?

Also, what are you thinking and feeling while being judged? Attacked? Angry? Unjust? Wronged? This isn't fair? She doesn't understand?

Well, I think that she's being intellectually lazy and oversimplifying. It's as, for example, if she's saying because daddy eats ice cream when she's sleeping and we let her have it on rare occasion, she's obese because of that. Obesity is complex and the fact that my husband loves ice cream isn't a useful place to point fingers, indeed, pointing fingers isn't therapeutic, and I'd like my T to stop doing it.

(Further, though my daughter's not overweight, and that was just an example, I should point out- we hardly keep junk food in the house now that we have a child!!! We really are diligent and thoughtful about her well being!!!)

So, how do I feel.. I feel...... upset (angry, maybe) and frustrated, because at the same time as she's being a bit condescending, I don't even believe that she's correct. And I don't think it's her place to judge, but rather, as she says her place is, which is to understand. I'd like her and I to look at the issue *together* not in opposition.

What I am hearing is this:
You think she is off base with her conclusion and over stepping your boundaries and her role by telling you how to parent your child. You would like her to stop providing criticism or correction about your parenting and want her to instead listen to what you're saying and understand where you're coming from.

Is that correct?

Well, a part of that looking at it together is listening to her point of view right?

She may have a point. I don't know, but she might. Continuing the obesity example, modeling healthy eating certainly is a strong tool in the parental arsenal against childhood obesity.

Are you defensive here? Is there room for moving together?

Yes, modeling healthy eating is important!
That's exactly my point!

If we use the scenario-
my husband has done two things- cut way back on ice cream and also only eat it when she's sleeping

We limit her intake and he's restricted his as well.

Regardless, obesity isn't caused by that one thing. As a rule, we eat very healthily! We're vegetarians, balanced meals, limited junk, etc.

Which isn't to say we're perfect.

But my therapist is out of line in being judgmental and it's not helpful. Rather than exploring, she's jumping to conclusions.

But I thought you said your daughter wasn't overweight?

I don't know what's going on because the original post was deleted.

All I know is that it's been my experience that listening first and deciding was has merit and what doesn't is usually more effective than feeling judged and getting defensive.

No matter what the issue, we all have things on which we can improve.

We can learn something from just about everyone.

One of the ways I have learned to manage conflict, is to rephrase how I'm accusing someone when I'm angry with them. In this case, my natural reaction is to say "you're judgmental! You're wrong! You're jumping to conclusions and over-simplifying thing!" These types of sentences escalate conflict. It may not be fun, but saying something similar to what I said above "I feel like I am being judged, and like you are overstepping your role by criticizing my parenting. I would prefer you just listen to me and understand where I am coming from, rather than try to correct me."

Is that fun? No. Does it satisfy that inner desire to get revenge? No. But does it improve communication, reduce defensiveness (in both people), and resolve conflict? Yes.

I couldn't read your original post, but from the way I've read the responses if I'm understanding it correctly, the healthy eating comment would bug me. I eat ice cream around my son all the time lol.....so what? I guess what I mean is that unless that's a goal you have, it's not illegal to eat ice cream in front of your kid or at all or whatever. There are far bigger issues in life - in fact, one could argue being too controlling and up tight could have a negative impact on your kid. So, it's subjective.

I recognize that it may have had nothing to do with eating ice cream lol which makes it hard to give any feedback. What did your T say exactly?

You're EXACTLY right imo. That's what I mean. There are bigger fish to fry and the issue of my daughter's disorder (it's not really obesity at all, though hubby does love ice cream and the rest is true) isn't solved by pointing the finger at hubby's hobby.

I would tell the therapist her comments on parenting are not useful nor desired and I would stop discussing it with her.

I think of looking at it together in the Socratic method- questions that lead to self-reflection, questions, not judgments, openness to explore fully, not conclusions to accept or refute, not working backward. The way she's writing now, it's like she believes her conclusions are self-evident and that "you don't even need to be a therapist" to see it.

Condescending.

A definite yes to that.
And not only do I think she's off base or oversimplifying, I think she's doing it in a little condescending, close-minded manner that makes it hard to communicate constructively, to be heard.

I agree, and it's my therapist who's not listening, just deciding. She's told me X is unhealthy and further, she's positing it's the cause of my daughter's difficulty, and the reality is so much more complex.

It's like saying the ice cream made her fat when not only does she have a biological imbalance but breakfast lunch and dinner is fried in lard.

Like... can we please get off the ice cream already.

For the record, I'm not feeding my daughter lard ever, lol, and I sincerely believe we do well and work hard to parent her in a healthy way, but I'm saying, her issue has biological and environmental causes and for example, I'd say my PTSD reactivity is a bigger factor than the other issue by a magnitude and I'd like to stay focused on the big picture. Ice cream on a birthday isn't on my list of things to worry about.

What did the original post say?

OMG why are you feeding that poor child so much lard? No wonder she's obese!

(Kidding)

Is your T a parent herself?

I ask because it seems like there's often a lot of humility that comes with having parented a difficult (or sometimes difficult) child. The people who seem to judge the most either have no kids or really quiet compliant ones.

lol! Thank you.

Well, my therapist has wonderful maternal qualities and I really appreciate that about her, but she isn't a mother.

I do think she's glossing over a complex reality in favor of a quick and easy explanation, plus it has the added bonus of blaming my husband, she clearly favors me, is loyal as I'm her client.

I don't want revenge. I don't even think about revenge in a context like that, so not sure what you mean, but what I want is for her to be willing to explore issues openly and constructively instead of digging herself deeper into a hole when she accidentally reveals her bias about a choice we've made, which is what happened here.

I want my therapist to appreciate that I don't find it helpful for her to make uninformed judgements and I want my therapy to be helpful.

Sorry. I was more relating with what I feel in that type of situation or what I imagine you might possibly feel. Whether it's revenge or something else, this method of communication is more effective for getting across your point and why it's important to you than accusatory statements.

So, they make wrestling action figures for kids and my cousins LOVED that stuff when they were little. My daughter started doing karate when she was not quite four. When we were home a couple months ago D and I were watching WWE cartoons for kids. Seriously funny stuff if you ask me - wrestlers as lunch ladies and crossing guards...
So, my point is, this is normal kid stuff. Just throwing that out there FWIW.

I'm confused is T judging your parenting regarding food or wrestling?

I brought up a parenting issue once in session with my first T...his comment back was such that I never bring it up with any of the 3 subsequent Ts.

The food analogy was just an example.

What actually happened was my T said Disneyland was healthier than Wrestlemania. My daughter saw Wrestlemania w/my husband last year when our sitter fell through and it was either waste an extremely expensive ticket I'd been going to use or let her go. I agree, Disneyland's more fun in general and more age appropriate. But we didn't just lock her in Wrestlemania for a week. That event had two hours of wrestling, and then we had an entire week in an amazing city, most of the time was spent on wonderful kid-oriented stuff like an amusement park, history tour for kids, mini golf, and enjoying the music, culture and food of a world class city.

I agree with my therapist that four hours of Disney is better than four hours of wrestling, I don't think wrestling is appropriate for my daughter to watch, so as a rule, she does not. This event was the exception for the year. (And just to clarify, he only watches while she sleeps as a rule.)

So... I would've been okay to that point.

But then, the convo escalated to the point where she basically stated my husband's love of wrestling caused my daughter's ODD. And that, is a cheap, easy, and incorrect conclusion. What's more she did it in a condescending, arrogant way. I think that's because she hadn't intended me to know her opinion- she let it slip and then tried to backpedal, but I told her I didn't want her to judge and then say she wasn't judging because I find that confusing.

I think a lot of wrestling-watching and such could have an adverse affect on my daughter. I'm not glorifying it. However, I've taken a measured approach. I've considered how this has been a lifelong hobby of my husband's and how he's cut way back for her and doesn't let her see it but with these very rare exceptions. My husband has done a great deal recently to improve our complex family dynamic too- he's in therapy, he's made a drastic diet change, he's made other significant changes. And I feel that demonizing this pastime of his is unnecessary and unhelpful.

Columbine wasn't caused by kids playing too many video games. I specialize in media, and have done my homework, my research on the effects of violent media on youth. I've also given it thought as a mother, and in conjunction with my husband. Our comfort level is set- the once a year event might be okay for my kiddo, not more. By which I mean to say, I don't think her opinion is well-considered - there are so many factors influencing behavior, biological and environment, that she's pinning an awful lot on his late night tv watching habits.

I'm not trying to have my head in the sand on this issue. I'm not saying wrestling is to entertainment what broccoli is to food. I'm just saying she's oversimplifying and being judgmental instead of open to exploring the more complex reality right now.

And I'm feeling super super defensive. I'm excellent at doing defensive. I hope once I calm down, I'll be more okay about this and able to work it through a bit better.

That's more what my original post was about- I wanted some help calming down and not feeling so riled up.

Does your T specialize in ODD? Does she see your daughter as well as you? If not, then I think she doesn't really have a basis for her comments other than her opinions.