[JaneC]

I saw my therapist today for an extra session because I have been feeling so overwhelmed by memories coming up.

We spoke about one of them today, a not so serious/scary one. My first ex husband was fairly abusive verbally, threatened me with a firearm, told me I should kill myself etc.....(I spent parts of the session checked out, the emotions were too much)

It seems that I hold on to all of the blame for his behaviour, at least this is what my therapist tells me. And I guess I do, I mean I think it was my fault that I did what I did to make him even more angry, that I put on weight and embarrassed him in front of his friends.....and on and on and on.

So, my therapist asked me if I could let go of some of the blame, own what my part was, but apportion the appropriate blame to my ex for his own part in the way he treated me. I can't, how do you do that? Does anyone else struggle with this? What do you do?

The next and hardest question he asked me to think about though is......what is getting in the way or stopping me from giving up on self blaming? Yep, a typical question I am sure..........but seriously, how does one do that??????????????

Really would love to hear from anyone that can relate to this or has some ideas. I see my therapist again in 2 days, and he'll ask I'm sure. Thanks.

I'm working on this now, my tendency to self blame or my guilt complex. I decided to put a face to mine, and then do an active imagination and talk to it. It's been very revealing, to say the least . I haven't shared this bit of work with t yet, well I did Email it to her but we haven't talked about it yet. I will on Thursday. Wish I hadn't scheduled 3 weeks apart. Oh well.

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I've asked myself what do I get from holding onto the self blame.... I had 2answers come to mind for me...don't know which or what is the truth but these are possibilities..

If I blame myself then I had some control of the situation and therefore was not helpless or a victim

Or I want to hold on to being a victim because it lends itself to entitlement...like my life sucked so much that I am entitled to feel blah blah blah or to act blah blah blah...

Neither feel quite the truth for me...

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I'm working on this now, my tendency to self blame or my guilt complex. I decided to put a face to mine, and then do an active imagination and talk to it. It's been very revealing, to say the least . I haven't shared this bit of work with t yet, well I did Email it to her but we haven't talked about it yet. I will on Thursday. Wish I hadn't scheduled 3 weeks apart. Oh well.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

That sounds like an interesting technique, and good it works for you. I am terrible at visualising in that way, I have tried and tried but it just doesn't suit me, or work for me. I'd be interested to hear what you've come up with for why you do the self blaming..if you felt comfortable sharing.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I've asked myself what do I get from holding onto the self blame.... I had 2answers come to mind for me...don't know which or what is the truth but these are possibilities..

If I blame myself then I had some control of the situation and therefore was not helpless or a victim

Or I want to hold on to being a victim because it lends itself to entitlement...like my life sucked so much that I am entitled to feel blah blah blah or to act blah blah blah...

Neither feel quite the truth for me...

Thanks for these RTS. I have wondered about both of those, well mainly the first one, but the feeling helpless thing scares me too much to look at. Maybe I ought to. I even find myself self blaming for self blaming......that sounds stupid but do you know what I mean?

I feel soo detached from my emotions right now, quite numb, as it was overwhelming to face them today.And this isn't even close to some of the worst 'stuff' I need to face.

I just don't know what keeps me in that place........what do I get out of it?

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by JaneC

So, my therapist asked me if I could let go of some of the blame, own what my part was, but apportion the appropriate blame to my ex for his own part in the way he treated me. I can't, how do you do that? Does anyone else struggle with this? What do you do?

The next and hardest question he asked me to think about though is......what is getting in the way or stopping me from giving up on self blaming? Yep, a typical question I am sure..........but seriously, how does one do that??????????????

Really would love to hear from anyone that can relate to this or has some ideas. I see my therapist again in 2 days, and he'll ask I'm sure. Thanks.

I've heard, and it's certainly the case for me, that it's easier to adopt some or even all of the blame for abuse. Something to do with it being easier to accept fault or blame than admit you had no control over the situation. It makes it 'safer' to believe you had some control over what happened. Not sure if it helps, just one perspective.

Originally Posted by JaneC

That sounds like an interesting technique, and good it works for you. I am terrible at visualising in that way, I have tried and tried but it just doesn't suit me, or work for me. I'd be interested to hear what you've come up with for why you do the self blaming..if you felt comfortable sharing.

I thought about sharing it... but it's long and convoluted and quite probably would be triggering to people... so decided against it. i'll pm it to you if you want to read it! let me know.

active imagination is a technique current t taught me back in the beginning of my therapy, I've been using it for almost 3 years now and have gotten pretty good at it in that time! it takes practice just like anything else. Funny thing is I always seemed to "forget" that I had that particular skill and she'd have to assign them as homework for me. This is the first time I assigned it to myself w/out her knowing about it which I think is pretty darn cool. i'm so looking forward to hear what she thinks of what I came up with when i talk to her on thursday. my appointment seems like it's miles away. haha

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I've heard, and it's certainly the case for me, that it's easier to adopt some or even all of the blame for abuse. Something to do with it being easier to accept fault or blame than admit you had no control over the situation. It makes it 'safer' to believe you had some control over what happened. Not sure if it helps, just one perspective.

I have heard that this is the case, but I honestly can't connect with that. Intellectually I understand that feeling no control in a situation like that would be difficult, I just can't understand why. I simply can't. I think that it is really strange that I have absolutely no feeling or emotion when thinking about this concept.

Maybe that is significant?

I know that now, present day, if I feel I don't have control I hate it...with a passion and will become quite irritable if this happens. I have gotten better with giving up my need for control of everything that happens around me. It is a work in progress.

Hmmmmm......maybe I need to think about this huh???

[JaneC]

[quote=artemis-within;4037624]I thought about sharing it... but it's long and convoluted and quite probably would be triggering to people... so decided against it. i'll pm it to you if you want to read it! let me know. [quote]

If you feel it may be useful for me, that would be lovely artemis...... thank you

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I have heard that this is the case, but I honestly can't connect with that. Intellectually I understand that feeling no control in a situation like that would be difficult, I just can't understand why. I simply can't. I think that it is really strange that I have absolutely no feeling or emotion when thinking about this concept.

Maybe that is significant?

I know that now, present day, if I feel I don't have control I hate it...with a passion and will become quite irritable if this happens. I have gotten better with giving up my need for control of everything that happens around me. It is a work in progress.

Hmmmmm......maybe I need to think about this huh???

I get the intellectual thing, and I don't know about you, but for me it's one thing to get it intellectually but another to actually feel it. For example, I intellectually understand that my t is trustworthy and won't judge me harshly, but it's v hard to FEEL it. I get that I'm not to blame for my childhood abuse, but I still am overwhelmed with shame and guilt. Do you relate to this?

[vonmoxie]

I likewise think it's about control in the situation, that when we blame ourselves for certain things that are clearly not our fault, it can be for the reason that we wish we had control in a situation in which we did not.

When we replay the trauma in our head, we still want to do something about it, want to change the outcome. We know we can't, but it doesn't change the intensity of the desire, and so the feeling continues to live, but converts to blame with the outcome being bad and unchangeable, and us feeling like failures about this sense of wanting to try to do something resulting in nothing.

I don't have a technique for dealing with it though. I still feel blame (I don't think blame, but I feel it) about things that happened a very long time ago, despite having had no reasonable ability to have changed the outcome even then. Maybe I need to stand in a soundproof room once a week and shake my fists at the sky yelling repeatedly "it wasn't my fault!"