Counter transference?

I decided to take a break in therapy-therapist seemed to be distant and kind of phoning it in. Then after a month he contacts me and says he'd like to meet to discuss counter transference. Totally surprised me. And I feel oddly uncomfortable wondering about what he might say- also, since he suggested it, should this still happen in a regular session, with me paying?

Anyone have a therapist come to them wanting to talk about this?

Thanks.

Wow. That's a new one. I would feel a little itchy about having to pay for a therapist to talk about his counter transference; but the curiosity would override that because I'd be dying to know what the bleep he had going on.

Oh yikes... I gotta agree with Licketysplit... that's just weird. I thought Ts weren't supposed to call you to suggest appointments when you go off and take a break? I thought that would be violating your boundaries? And, yeah... his counter transference SHOULD be his problem, and he should be dealing with it in supervision...

Can you ask him if he meant he wanted to chat with you, for free, or if he wanted you to come in for a paid session? I'd personally be leery of paying for a session to deal with his issues... but I guess the question is do you think you could benefit from it? Could you ask him how he sees this as being beneficial to YOU? (And while you're at it... ask if he's in supervision, or has a T that he can talk this stuff through with!)

Good luck... and if you talk to him and feel like updating, I'd love to hear more about what happens!

Hm, did you tell him you were taking a break because he seemed distant? Trying to make sure I understand.

I would go to the session personally, but only because I'm a sad person who no one cares about. I agree with the other posters though, it raises the question of who's paying who for what and why.

I agree that if the therapist is calling you with his own issue to discuss with you, it definitely should not be costing you money. This raises some red flags for me, boundary wise, but just like the others who've responded I think I would totally go out of curiosity.

Did you have a good therapeutic relationship before he started acting distant? I think that's something important to consider. I agree you should ask if he has sought consultation for his countertransference issue with you, whatever that issue may be. My guess is that he has (or is)...that is probably why he is in the position to speak with you about it now, and probably why he was acting distant before.

I kinda give him props for calling you...it's not technically a boundary violation of any kind. He might have been concerned after not hearing from you for awhile. I had an ex-T (then my current T) call me after I kept canceling session after session via his VM (we had an awful rupture)...he was worried about me and didn't want to lose the progress we had made. I appreciated the effort and really needed it at the time.

I get this might be weird for you...but it sounds like he is trying to be honest, if you think you might want to keep seeing him as a T.

I think I would go AND pay out of sheer curiosity!

Welcome to PC
the phone call seems weird to me; as does a T mentioning the word counter transference like that especially after a months gap ...

is this someone you had seen for a long time? and did they know why you were on a break; and did you already have a returned session planned?

I don't think this sounds that odd. I read a bunch about countertransference a while back, and it seems like pulling away can defiantly be a part of that. In the accounts that I read about it, it seemed like it happened because the T was reminded of an old client who did something to frighten them. Because of this they pull away, and act as the did in the old situation. Coming clean with the client about these feelings can give the client closure, and help them realize that what happened wasn't there fault. It's too bad that your T didn't realize before you took the break, but it sounds like he wants to make it right. I think going could help you gain some closure if nothing else. But if it were me and the relationship had been good before I would go to see if there was a way to work things out. I think it could be an opportunity to share your feelings too. I would guess that he would be vague about the counter transference as well. I'm sure that there is away to talk about it with out making the client feel like they have to care for the T.

Since counter transference involves you, it has obviously had an impact on your therapy sessions. Otherwise, you might not be on a break right now would you?

If a therapist calls me and asks to see me because HE/SHE wants to talk about something I would go but I would not pay.

So would I

Hmmm I would go but unlike many here I would pay.

By paying it continues the patient doctor relationship and cant be construed as romantic interest. If any advances are made it then violates boundaries set by law.

I'm working very hard not to superimpose my experience on yours- but I got a similar call - that she needed to see me to talk about something " not about you- about me" . And when we met , she initiated a very damaging romantic relationship with me. What I woukd do differently now? Go ahead and meet with her, have the tape recorder running and the Board complaint in the other hand.

He should OFFER that you won't have to pay.
I think I would make him tell me more on the phone.

i wish my t was more honest about her countertransference instead of blaming it on me and what im doing, but no, i dont think id like to pay for it.

Thanks everyone, for the replies. I had been seeing my therapist for a year. And I said I wanted a break because I didn't think I was making progress. Here's the thing. Even though I will admit to being curious, as many of you mention, I'm also a little worried about what the therpist might say. I tried to read about countertransference, and most of the time it seems to point at the client as the problem in the relationship-i.e. the client makes the therapist angry, or reminds them of something bad, etc. It's hard for me to think that anything I said or did would fall in this catagory, I'm pretty soft spoken, and certainly not overtly sexual.

I just don't think I can put myself out there and listen to how I've caused a problem for this therapist. Also, it seems that counter transference is pretty much a deal-breaker for therapy, and even though I was on a break I wasn't really sure I wanted to end it. Now it seems that's going to happen anyway.

So, has anyone had a therapist talk to them about countertransference and have it be a good thing, and continuing therapy? Anyone know more about this in general?

If this is just an ending session, I think I might as well cut my losses and save the money. It feels like I might be walking into a land mine.

Thanks.

I'm really intrigued. I hope you come back to update us!

I added after realizing you responded. Countertransference is a tool used by dynamic therapists to better understand you. My former therapist told me many of his counter transferences, and it was good for me and us.

Are you sure he didn't say transference?

I just wanted to add the perspective that countertransference certainly isn't always a deal breaker. In my therapy, my therapist has agreed she experiences a little countertransference that prompts her to respond a certain way from time to time. In our case, it's maternal countertransference- when I tell her something about my husband or our relationship that bothers me, she may tend to put a bit more blame on my husband than is fair, and that's because she has such a loyalty to me as a client and a person that she is a little biased and protective.

It hasn't hurt my therapy. We've mentioned it a few times and dealt with it.

I think countertransference is fairly common and not a deal breaker at all unless the therapist doesn't have the experience, skill or willingness to work through it.

I'm with growlycat here...

Can I meet with your therapist and discuss his countertransference? Just PM his name and city or zip code. jk

Some of the answers here might lead to confusion.

I don't think the deal breaker is a question of whether countertransference is there or not; I think it is experienced by all therapists, just like transference is experienced by all clients...

It is a deal breaker because of the nature of it (for some therapists) and/or whether or not it is interfering with the therapy (for other therapists). Not simply because it exists in the relationship.

Countertransference is for your therapist to work out, not you; the same way a client's transference is for the client to work out. It could be that he wants to apologize if he's identified it and gotten some consultation to deal with it. That's why I would be curious, but if your instincts tell you that you're walking into a situation where you will be blamed for how he feels (see how backward that is?), then don't go.

It's really what you feel comfortable with. Trust your gut.

About your initial concerns--

It's not that the client is the problem. I can't imagine a reputable, competent psychotherapist blaming their own countertransference on the client. My guess would be like lickityslit suggested--that maybe he wants to apologize for the way he handled his countertransference. Maybe he thinks since you prematurely terminated, which he thought may have been influenced by his mismanagement of the countertransference, he wants to offer you an opportunity for closure?

The client can't make the therapist feel anything, just like the therapist doesn't make us feel our feelings. I don't read any of the countertransference stuff like that and don't think that a competent therapist would think like that. The nature of countertransference is that it comes from the therapist based upon their past experiences--not yours. I'm not sure what you read, but maybe this article helps clarify? Most of the stuff is in books, so I can't copy/paste material that goes more in depth.

Of Two Minds: Countertransference in Contemporary Psychotherapy | Psych Central Professional

Do you think you want to try therapy with someone else?

Do you think you want to try therapy with someone else?[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the article - it was very helpful. I'm still having a hard time with the idea that maybe he just wants to meet so he can tell me I need to find someone else to work with, not sure I want to walk into that, maybe better to just let things end at this point- seems like there is more potential for rejection than closure.

And no, it was really hard to start therapy in the first place, do I can't really imagine starting over. Really wish this hadn't happened. And although I can hear the idea that this is an ok thing from a therapists perspective, I'm just really uncomfortable about it right now. I'm disappointed that I couldn't have just taken a little time off and returned only own.

I think I would need to call and leave a voice message saying (what you said here)..."that it is my impression that a counter transference conversation is just so you can tell me that we can no longer work together. If that is the case than I would rather not meet. Is this your intention?"

You have the right to ask as many questions as you like regarding this.

I would highly doubt that's why he called you. For one you hadn't been seeing him. Secondly therapists rarely terminate, and if he did it would be more likely it was because you were stalking him than avoiding him.

You seem scared he'll reject you, so you care about him? And are avoiding him? Maybe he felt a mutual connection to you.