[Angst_guy7]

My T is a very competent anxiety specialist and also is extremely kind. Unfortunately I just don't feel a strong connection. For months i have been thinking of changing especially as i have read a lot recently that one of the most if not the most important predictor of success in therapy is the client/therapist relationship. She mainly does CBT and some mindfulness. Im thinking I need someone who also does psychodynamic or talk therapy that deals with my past life. Anyway I am really intimidated about telling her I want to leave or make a change. I seen her for over a year but I know if i bring it up she will have a seemingly good reason why i shouldn't.
Any thoughts?

[stopdog]

I don't think they are supposed to try and talk you into staying with them if you want to try other therapists. However, if you are afraid the therapist will, then try some out without telling her.

[Leah123]

Hello! I understand wanting to change if you're looking to do deeper work and haven't felt that bond yet after a year.

First, you're certainly not obligated to tell her.

If it were me, I would tell for two reasons. First, the feedback would be nice for her to have, maybe to help her improve her service for future clients. Second, your feedback might give her the opportunity to serve you better, what seems to be an impasse might just be a roadblock that can be cleared if you're honest about it with her.

However, if you have already decided, whether you tell her or not, it doesn't matter if she comes up with good reasons for you to stay. She's not your parent or your principal, nor your parole officer, lol, so you don't need to act on her advice if she gives any.

[CantExplain]

It all comes down to respect.

I respected Madame T so I wanted to be honest with her right to the end.
I didn't respect Bad Facilitator, so I sent him an email and stopped turning up.

I have to admit that I've just cancelled an appointment with a therapist via email, letter or phone message. Those have been times when I was "trying out" a new therapist to see if we connected. In most cases, I was able to tell within 1 or 2 sessions whether I wanted to return and I didn't mention I wasn't going to make or keep the next appointment because I didn't want to get into a conversation about how I saw things as not working. I think it's up to you how you go about leaving. Try out a few appointments with a few different therapists--you can even continue with appointments with your current therapist until you're sure. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side until we actually graze on the other side and find out we have it pretty good where we were!

I cancelled all further sessions with a therapist I'd been seeing for five months via letter. I thanked her for her time and expertise and simply told her I had decided not to continue with therapy. I left because I didn't feel the connection and I had really tried for a number of months to have that connection happen, but it didn't feel right and I had a strong feeling she was going to want to "process" those feelings to death before letting me leave . . . and even then I was pretty sure I'd hear about how I was "running away" and not willing to work on making the connection due to some deep psychological issue She might have been right but I just wasn't up to the long discussion because I had made up my mind to leave. Decide on a course of action that makes you most comfortable. If you're going to feel guilty and unsettled because you don't come right out and tell her you're leaving, then have the conversation with her. If you'd feel more uncomfortable and unsettled bringing up the issue of leaving, it's okay to just cancel and not return. Sometimes I think the issue of terminating correctly by having a final session is way overblown in importance. But then that might be because I am pretty unfazed by good-bys. Good luck!

[missbella]

My group therapist team, a man and woman, turned hysterical and vicious when I was honest enough to report that treatment left me cold, and I planned to quit. The man deludedly believed this indicated the verge of some miraculous breakthrough - the equivalent of the vain horny date convinced no means yes.

So I disagree with therapists who blanketly insist all clients are mandated to go through formal termination, or we'll be condemned to the pit of hell. Leaving and how we handle it is our choice.

[Perna]

I would just tell your therapist at the beginning of a session you are not interested in any more therapy at this time and want to use your time and money for other things for a bit and won't be making another appointment. I would thank them for their effort and discuss what you think you got from the year and what sort of thing you might be looking for and why if you decide to return to therapy in the future, etc.

Another person cannot really argue with how you feel/what you want. You can want what you want and you are the only one who knows how you feel.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would just tell your therapist at the beginning of a session you are not interested in any more therapy at this time and want to use your time and money for other things for a bit and won't be making another appointment. I would thank them for their effort and discuss what you think you got from the year and what sort of thing you might be looking for and why if you decide to return to therapy in the future, etc.

Another person cannot really argue with how you feel/what you want. You can want what you want and you are the only one who knows how you feel.

My attempt to be just that reasonable got me chewed up and spit out. My therapist team was far more wounded, manipulative and nasty than any romantic breakup I've gone through. I regret not just walking, no discussion.

Given the way you describe a previous lack of connection with another therapist, I'm wondering if you could talk to this one about your feeling a similar lack of connection, despite the fact that she's kind and competent. If she feels it too, maybe she could help you identify one that might work better for you--or, maybe she would see that as something you could work on together.

I know from your post above, that you didn't want the previous therapist to say something like that, but maybe it's worth exploring as a possibility? Only you can know, of course, but the way you describe this current therapist makes her sound pretty okay. And, in the off chance she senses the same disconnect, she might want better for you. I mean, it could go lots of ways.

I have an understanding with anyone I see that if I need help beyond what they can provide, to please refer me. Some people are good, but just not a good match. You won't know which is the case here unless you talk to her about it. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's too good an opportunity to pass up, imo, after a year with this person.