[DelusionsDaily]

On Monday I saw my NP about my episode over the weekend and she said it sounded like a manic episode. My T agreed. That means I'm bipolar and since that realization I have been trying to deny the episode and therefor the bipolar. Why? I dunno. I suspected the bipolar long before this. So, I don't understand the denial but that is definitely where I'm trying to be.

[HazelGirl]

Because it's scary. My father was diagnosed as bipolar and I have had major depression my whole life. I have a lot of markers for developing bipolar disorder in the next 5-10 years. It's a scary thing to consider.

[Alone & confused]

I'm head long into a manic episode right now. The hardest part for me is self control. I'm currently fighting the urge to become voilent. It's killing me not to let myself break a window or something. Maybe talking about it will help calm me down. Is there anything in particular that concerns you about your dx?

[DelusionsDaily]

I think sometimes I wanna be non-mentally ill. Depression was bad enough to deal with but manic episode was far and above worse than the depression. Being extremely agitated, anxious, and irritable with racing fragmented thoughts, super high energy, and highly distractable was worse than AWFUL. The end result is the same: wishing for death. Ugh! Just thinking about that episode makes my skin crawl!

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

I think sometimes I wanna be non-mentally ill. Depression was bad enough to deal with but manic episode was far and above worse than the depression. Being extremely agitated, anxious, and irritable with racing fragmented thoughts, super high energy, and highly distractable was worse than AWFUL. The end result is the same: wishing for death. Ugh! Just thinking about that episode makes my skin crawl!

Yeah, I'm there right now and I hate it! Even though I feel (at the moment) that my extreme feelings are justified, I'm also aware that mania is heightening things to a whole new level. I know this logically, but emotionally....... that's another story. It's amazing how you can rationalize unrational behavior when you're in the moment. I have a fear of getting STUCK in mania sometimes when it gets too bad. The one before this one I didn't think I'd come back from. I had about a 2 second Memory. Talking about random things that didn't fit into the conversation, forgetting what was said after 2 seconds. My kids thought I was on drugs (of course I wasn't! ) and that made me paranoid that people would think that. ...it was awful! I'm about used to the signs and symptoms now. Helps a little just to know what is happening because part of your mind can be trained to recognize that it's the illness and remind you that it will pass and help you to maintain a certain degree of control after awhile.

[CantExplain]

My path from depression to stability led through bipolarity. It was alarming, but I now see bipolar as evidence of progress.

CantExplain, you are awesome.

[lostwonder]

I'm slowly finding out the harder you cognitively cling to denial the closer you are to accepting. Good luck on your journey.