[ThisWayOut]

We were talking about styles of therapy and what works better for me. I hesitated at something t said, then apologized because I she caught on that I didn't really want to agree to what she was suggesting. A bit more talking, and she said she'd love it if I came in next week and said I hadn't done what she asked and that I would tell her I didn't care that I hadn't done it... I kinda laughed nervously. I told her not to hold her breath. I know it stems from childhood and the need to do everything I was told (immediately or sooner so I don't get in trouble)... T wants to work on changing core beliefs. This terrifies me. Has anyone else worked on something like that? I mean, it's a core belief, those are pretty ingrained and pervasive. So how do you change that? It was something that literally saved my life growing up, so there's a lot of fear around the concept of changing that thought pattern (especially since I'm currently back in the same situation. While it won't impact my being alive anymore, it certainly feels that way). I'm not sure how to do this one. On the one hand, I feel the need to do everything t tells me to do and to work my butt off on this. On the other hand it scares the crap out of me and I don't want to have to work on this right now... so t gave me conflicting assignments for next week that are not really conflicting coz if I do one I'm working on both, but on the surface they conflict and that's causing a whole lot of anxiety. If I go in telling her I didn't follow through on the assignment to work to change that core belief, I'm going against that core belief, but still making t happy by refusing to do it and telling her I'm ok with not doing it, but then it goes back to keeping that core belief and disappointing t. aaahhh! I think my head may explode with this one. o_O

[HazelGirl]

Core beliefs are pretty much ALL we work on in my therapy. And yeah, it's terrifying and it kind of really sucks sometimes. But it's good, too.

[HazelGirl]

Oh, and your T is incredibly clever. That's a brilliant catch 22.

Core beliefs have come up for me too. I find it upsetting when I don't agree with her, and upsetting to express this, I guess one of my childhood strategies was never disagree....

[Partless]

ThisWayOut, I'm having a bit of difficulty following your post and I don't know what kind of core belief you are talking about, the whole thing with the doing or not doing the homework sounds a bit like a philosophical paradox or something. So a little vague/abstract for me.

Anyhow, as for core beliefs, they are often targeted in therapy, though usually not directly. The only therapy I know that directly attacks your core beliefs is rational emotive therapy, and that's one of the reasons I hate that therapy. Like the very first session you might say like, life has to be fair...or parents should love their children, and the guy says, but why should they?!

Not everybody can withstand that kind of assault so early on.

I'm working with my biggest one right now and that's Guilt with a capital G, hell probably all capital letters. It's SO hard and I want my t every day. I have been fighting the urge to call her ALL day today.

I wouldn't say it's being attacked, at least not by t. I think I'm the one forcing the issue. She wouldn't even continue talking about it during our last appointment, moved us safely into working on some recent dreams. SO now I am feeling guilty about trying to work on it like I'm afraid me forcing it like I am, is making t feel like I don't trust her and I do. But I can't stand it anymore. Oops I didn't mean to carry on so. Sorry.

eta: see I am out of control.

[StressedMess]

My core beliefs have held me down my entire existence. I really want to say NO and not worry about hurting the other persons feelings, especially strangers asking for money at gas stations or salespeople pushing subscriptions or basically every damn time I say yes! And I want to stop being the world's caretaker while acting all saintly on the outside and accepting all the praise of the martyr who is eaten up inside by resentment. And I really really want to stop accepting bad treatment as "my due" because it is not my lot in life to take crap from every single person I cross paths with.

Yep I feel pretty strongly about it, sorry for the rant. I decided to go to therapy to make scary changes with guidance from someone who can hopefully stop me from self-destructing during the process.

I knew I wasn't happy, I didn't know how to fix it because I didn't know what the hell was wrong. Being questioned brought me to the conclusion that I was raised without life skills, and I'm trying to develop some now.

[JustShakey]

Core beliefs? Can I make a list? I'll be here all night...
One of my most insidious ones was the belief that I cannot defend myself; that to do so proves my guilt. Fortunately I have that one (mostly) kicked in the butt, as the H could probably attest to, if he had the capacity.
Then there's believing that I am not meant to be a person in my own right, but I am to exist as an adjunct to someone else. Right now I'm struggling to believe that I can survive on my own. I think it's what's holding me back from doing the things I need to do so I'll be in a position to end my marriage, like get a better paying job, which I am perfectly capable of I know. The invisible ties-that-bind...

[growlycat]

My main core belief I've worked on the longest--that the world will treat me like my parents did: dismissive, angry, rejecting. Not everyone will be like that. I may always have trouble with it, but I'll keep plugging away.

Just Shakey I really identify with what you said about: 'I'm not meant to be a person in my own right'. I remember writing something like that in my diary years and years at when I was a teen, more recently I had the feeling that I wasn't a proper person.

[CantExplain]

A tricky question. Some of our beliefs are useless and damaging. Others are part of our moral code and sense of identity, even if they might be "irrational". And who is to say which is which?

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A tricky question. Some of our beliefs are useless and damaging. Others are part of our moral code and sense of identity, even if they might be "irrational". And who is to say which is which?

Thanks for that. Some of my (really loose) boundaries for my kids seem irrational but the truth is they are part of my core beliefs. Not because I was raised with them, but because I was raised without them.

Respect each other, no bullying or fighting.

Be the best you can every day, I don't expect perfection but I do expect hard work.

People are not to be ridiculed or feared because they are different from us.

You get the idea. I was raised "with an iron fist" by parents who bullied us and expected perfection or issued harsh punishment. There was no love in our home, only a twisted sense of responsibility that made me believe love=care taking. I also believe that I have to be the smartest/fastest/best because I was not gifted with a beautiful face. And I feared my whole life that I would wind up like my mother, mentally ill and an embarrassment to my family.

And another question: when you "know" your beliefs are flawed, why is it so hard to break the patterns of living by them?

[ThisWayOut]

Can't explain, you bring up a good point, what happens when you ate not sure your core belief is all that bad in the grand scheme of things? My t keeps saying it plays back into growing up, but what if it still works and helps more than hinders?

Stressed mess; good question! I know some of my core beliefs bring me more problems, but they are still so ingrained, I'm not sure how to very past the resistance to change them...

Someone else had mentioned not following my original post. Sorry, I was/am still very confused by all of it. T pretty much gave me 2 assignments; one I'm hugely resistant to, the other that I feel the need to do (to make t happy so I'm a "good client"). If I do that one, it goes against the resistance to change the initial core belief that I am not sure I want to change yet (needing to do everything I'm told in order to be good). I can either do both by doing the second one, or I can do none of them. T knows I can't simply do none of them because that would just make me "bad", but I can't do the second one easily because it would also male me "bad"... it's still really confusing. Sorry. I'm confused by it to, but I think my confusion comes from the resistance to challenging the core beliefs under it all.

[ThisWayOut]

I know this wasn't her intention, but I think I give up... I'm so tired of the struggle. Yesterday she had again underscored the concept of working to change things, and that behavioral change is what they go for (though she kinda made it sound like that is what her supervisor was pushing, and not necessarily her)... I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of everything. and I really just want someone to hear me. I don't want to have to go in and struggle with being heard in therapy also...

[StressedMess]

But TWO she gave you the opportunity for REAL change by saying you can refuse to do the assignments. She won't think you're "bad" and you will see that the sky does not fall when you disappoint someone in a position of authority.

You really have choices, and T wouldn't have given you these assignments unless you are ready to take one baby step ahead.

Don't do the homework, explain how both choices were just not happening. Own it, and don't apologize for it.

Do the assignments and really challenge yourself on just ONE false core belief that you feel is holding you down.

All these are opportunities for real growth. *hugs!!*

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

Don't do the homework, explain how both choices were just not happening. Own it, and don't apologize for it.

I don't know how to do that...
and I'm not sure I have the energy to try.

[StressedMess]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I don't know how to do that...

and I'm not sure I have the energy to try.

It's just too scary. I'm so sorry!

I'm having some issues with "growing a spine" and saying things out loud that I've only thought for 40 years. It's scary as hell but when it's over and the adrenaline is dissipated, I feel really proud of myself. Then I feel really dumb because it really wasn't that hard to do. But I do get what you're saying.

If you can't do them but you can't not do them, what will your conversation look like next session? T makes me role-play these things with her, want to try?