[Inner_Firefly]

I don't want to throw my problems at T, without any motivation or plans to change.

Therefore I try hard to brainstorm solutions before making each appointment, to avoid wasting T's time and to make sure I feel proud of myself after each appointment.

Usually this works fine but right now I'm dealing with a problem that I have no motivation to change. It is tempting to just go to T and vent, to have T's warmth and empathy. However my pride makes me want to look good in T's eyes. I want to be capable and responsible for my own life.

I know in therapy I am supposed to just say whatever is on my mind, but afraid if I complain without trying to find positive solutions, I would feel stupid and shameful.

[unaluna]

I feel like the lady in the esurance tv commercials - "thats not how it works." At least not for me. Its not strictly a brainstorming solutions session - whining is a pretty important and valid part of the process. Otherwise that bad stuff just goes underground.

Firefly I think I'm doing therapy completely differently to you. I have no solutions ever. I just go and talk about how I think and feel, I never used to feel much, but since starting I have suddenly started feeling a lot. My T doesn't talk about solutions ever, either, but she suggests other ways of looking at things.

[stopdog]

I pay the woman to sit there and get vented near. It is the one thing I actually expect her to be able to handle. It is your time. Do with it what you wish.

[PeeJay]

Tell her all of this, including your fears of being perceived as a whiner.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by hankster

whining is a pretty important and valid part of the process.

Ha! This is a vital part of my weekly therapy!

[JustShakey]

I regularly whine about how I hate being whiny in T. I can totally relate to the stupid shamefulness, but T validates my right to whine so I end up feeling better for it

[peridot28]

If you try to do all fixing before you go to therapy, then you're wasting you and your therapist's time. It's like changing the oil in your car and then taking it to a shop to get an oil change, or cleaning your house before the housekeeper comes. The person offering the service has no reason to perform those services if they are already done.

Don't look at you talking about what is going on in your life as complaining. They are issues you face that you need help with and your therapist is there, ready and willing to listen and to help.

My therapist knows when I'm shooting the breeze and trying to avoid something, because I'm worried she may think X, Y, Z. She sees past all of that and gets to what is really going on. Don't be shy to talk about what it is really bothering you. Therapists love that, because that is why they do the work that they do.

Big hugs!

[ThisWayOut]

my primary goal for therapy is not to find solutions (though they help), it's to be heard. I often don't feel heard, so the fact that my t can sit there and listen and understand what I am saying is hugely helpful (I think it drives her nuts, because this T is very solution-focused and all I want is suport. we butt heads on this quite a bit but I have only just started seeing her...). I find when I focus on finding solutions and propogating change, I feel like I'm back at home, and I can get that for free from my family... it also increases my shame and guilt when I'm not in a place to change something T suggests to change.
I know some people can handle that kind of T (and it seems like that's what makes you comfortable), but it's not something I work well with... I had to be a "star pupil" all my life, I can't tolerate that in T also...

[Inner_Firefly]

Thank you everyone, I love hearing your thoughts!

Hankster: Thank you, that's exactly what my T says, "that's not how it works". I only see T once a month at most, so I feel more self-imposed pressure to focus on solutions.I read from a self help article somewhere that complaining is toxic and we should aim for a "complaint free world". So I try really hard to avoid complaining.

BrownOwl, your T sounds very good. I love how you said you have no solutions ever but you get help to look at things differently. I am glad to hear you are getting to know more of your own feelings!

Stopdog, I am glad your T is good at handling your venting!

Peejay, yes, I have told her many times. I told her I avoid whining because my ex T told me I was the most negative and dependent client she had. That hurt a lot, and ever since I've been trying to be positive, independent and likeable.

Growlycat, ha ha! Great to hear your are whining every week in sessions.

Justshakey, me too! I could've written the same thing.

Peridot, Your T sounds very good. Like you said, I "clean house before the housekeeper comes" because I don't want my T to do any work. She is seeing me at a huge discount. I want to be a likeable and easy client so my T won't have to suffer through my whining. However I will try hard to take your advice and imagine that my T actually enjoys hearing my whining.

ThisWayOut, I completely understand what you are saying! In real life we are expected to not whine and come up with solutions. I am glad you feel like T is a good place to be heard. Is your T a man? I hope he/she gives you the listening that you need. I love being heard too but feel like it is a luxury. My T is super good at listening and encourages me to just talk without caring about solutions.

[nottrustin]

1. if you were able to always come up with the right alternatives you wouldn't need therapy. In this case I say open up.

2. If you just want to vent do so. That is part of what they do.

3. I understand what you mean bout feeling whinny. I always feel that way so usually at some point in the conversation I will say "It could be worse "blank" could be happening.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

I don't want to throw my problems at T, without any motivation or plans to change.

Therefore I try hard to brainstorm solutions before making each appointment, to avoid wasting T's time and to make sure I feel proud of myself after each appointment.

Usually this works fine but right now I'm dealing with a problem that I have no motivation to change. It is tempting to just go to T and vent, to have T's warmth and empathy. However my pride makes me want to look good in T's eyes. I want to be capable and responsible for my own life.

I know in therapy I am supposed to just say whatever is on my mind, but afraid if I complain without trying to find positive solutions, I would feel stupid and shameful.

I just had a similar issue in therapy and my T said that I didn't need to work out or solve my problems on my own. That it could be one thing we work through together.

I am really sheltered in my life, so T encourages the connection with him to sort things out. It doesn't mean you can't come up with your own solutions or try out things by yourself, but your therapist is meant to be a support and therapy a place to figure things out. There's no need to worry about going to an appointment where you don't have the session planned out in advance.

Your t is there to help you - there's no shame in letting him/her do that.

I'm wondering if your focus on solutions helps you to avoid talking about feelings? But if you are only seeing him once a month maybe you need to do this? Once a month therapy sounds hard, I feel a lot of emotion relating to my therapy, going regularly helps me to deal with this.