For those with csa in their history. Did they feel they just reported it to their therapist, or was a lot if emotion there too... Apart from fear...

[peaches100]

Hi Mouse,

For me, it's a little weird. Most of the time, I feel numb about it, with no real emotions. It doesn't seem like it really bothers me.

But if my t and I start talking about it, then I get very uncomfortable physical sensations (feelings of fear, pounding heart, feeling like I am in danger, fighting back tears, etc.).

Still, even when that happens, I often don't feel sad, or even have a particular SA incident going on in my head. It's more like my body just reacts in a panic kind of way. I hate that feeling, as it almost feels like I'm going to die, even though I know nothing is actually happening in the present, and I'm not consciously thinking about the SA.

My t calls this a "body memory." I think she means it is sort of like a flashback, but not a visual one. It's a physiological reaction of fear tha kicks in. Most likely, in my subconscious, I am reacting to a specific memory of SA, but not at a conscious level of awareness.

What about you?

Peaches, my experience is as you describe here.

[RedSun]

Me too.
Peaches, I could have written your post.
If we talk about it, I scrunch my hands, play with my hair, scratch my wrists, squirm....and yet I don't feel emotional, just panicky really.

I think today was only the second time I've had an emotional reaction to discussing CSA during therapy. And it went from the panic thing you all described (including chest pains, weird heartbeat, and an inability to breath), straight to out of control sobbing in an instant. I would have not have said I felt sad even. I was just sobbing. I felt ... like I was the most horrifying, grossest person on the planet, and someone I respected had suddenly seen that. Oh. Shame. That's the word. I was sobbing from shame all of a sudden. It was the same the other time I cried as well. It was about shame and not sadness.

[ECHOES]

I recently said to my therapist that therapy can seem so 'sterile', just a bunch of words, and for just the reason you posted. She thought it was a brilliant description... *sigh...

[healed84]

Yes, in general talking about Csa has always been no emotion behind it. Even when t and I visited the site of my rape.. No emotion, though t said he didn't expect much from me then. He said a lot of the reasons there is no emotion present when speaking about is that most of us have learn to become so disconnected to the emotion. It was overwhelming for us as children so, we stuffed it down. It's now about processing the trauma with our adult minds, and eventually when we feel safe enough, maybe some of that emotion will come. Or maybe not.. And I don't consider that to be at all.

[ThisWayOut]

I can relate. There's no emotion beyond fear and shame/disgust when reciting it to T. The other stuff comes later, away from T and when I am alone.

[nottrustin]

When I just talk to my therapist about it I am very matter of fact about it and show little emotion. It is when she starts asking questions and making me think that I get emotional.

[critterlady]

I was just talking to T about this yesterday. I feel shame and I have physical symptoms of anxiety when talking about it (although not nearly so much or as often as I did in the beginning), but nothing else. Intellectually, I know I have the right to feel angry or sad, perhaps even should feel angry or sad, but I feel nothing.

It worries me - I'm afraid that it will all come out at once someday and I won't be able to control it. T doesn't think that will happen, since I'm talking about it. He thinks that even if it does happen, it won't be a bad thing. He and I have agreed to disagree on that.

[sweepy62]

From the little I disclosed so far or when I process my nightmares, I just feel panicky edgy and anxiety. No emotions like sad crying fear tears I'm just numb. At times I say it hillarious , and she says I have a huge defense mechanism.

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[Tongalee]

I think that this is really interesting to consider. When I first discussed that I had experienced csa it wrote it in a letter for her to read in my absence. I was extremely distressed during this time frame, but it was at the idea of letting go of this secret, not necessarily the content of the secret. Though we haven't talked in detail about the abuse, we have worked on some of the negative side effects of it. I tend to get very panicky, dissociative, and generally upset. However, I feel like these emotions are in response to my t. I worry that she will find me grotesque, or stupid. She will hate me and send me from her. This notion bothers me so much that when we started taking about all of this I asked her to make me a promise. The promise started that if/ when she became overwhelmed by my presence and was able to see what a bad person I was and truly realize my own role in my abuse she must tell me straight away. Let me know and I will leave with understanding and without contest. She replied only with a sigh, the sigh she reserves when she feels I'm being too hard on myself and saying ridiculous things, and hesitantly agreed.

Ask of this is just to say that I'm not certain how much emotion I project when I actually talk about the abuse/how it actually upsets me. It is more her reaction that gets me into a difficult state of emotion.

[dark_sweetie]

I've had the same experience as some people are posting. Not emotional, but still caught off guard by anxiety. I think it's hard to look another person in the eyes and tell them something like that. Too much intensity, it feels like I'm making a mistake. It feels like I'm accepting that I'm a victim by having something to (not) talk about. Then I have to accept that I was, and I am, vulnerable...