[growlithing]

I messed everything up. LCM gave me a list of assignments. I said I'd do it. She wanted me to write her something I don't remember what. She wanted me to walk every day for 30 mins and email a T we found. I emailed the T. I walked twice this week out of five days. I wrote nothing. I've been so miserable and lonely. I didn't do anything productive all day. I just stayed in bed and drank until I remembered l needed to at least try to give a **** so I made myself go on a walk. Then I returned home to drink more until I wet myself and I'm sober now but not bothering to get up and shower. I feel like I failed her. I know she'll be upset with me. She was upset last week but she said it wasn't with me. She said she adores me and was upset that she couldn't keep me safe by teaching me to sit with my feelings. She said we failed together and she wasn't going to laugh and play with me that week. I know she'll be upset again. I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. It's not usually this bad. This long weekend was abnormally bad.

My friend unknowingly triggered my mommy issues by talking about her relationship issues and I feel like I just need LCM to be gentle with me and rub my back but she won't do that because I've been bad.

[Depletion]

I'm so sorry growli, all I can say at this moment is I feel like I'm failing at things too, and I feel your pain. Going for a walk a few times is really good though. Trying is just so hard sometimes.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I'm so sorry growli, all I can say at this moment is I feel like I'm failing at things too, and I feel your pain. Going for a walk a few times is really good though. Trying is just so hard sometimes.

I told her I'd walk every day. That didn't happen. I wanted to make her happy this week. It marks one year on the dot from when I met her.

[anilam]

Idk, 30min walks seems more appropriate for (much) older clients. I think you'd benefit more from some company and more active/fun things to do. Alone/free time is the worst. All those things you mentioned would, for me, be boring as hell and chores I would (or wouldn't) do just to make s.o. else happy. How about what would make you happy, Growli?

Well, easier said than done, come to think about it (and trust me I hate thinking about it) I was the same (and some more) when I was your age... Am 30 now, took me more than 7yr of therapy to get here and I still have some work to do. I can, looking back now, see what I was doing wrong and even though I guess ppl tried to tell me/help me I couldn't see it then. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself so much about this and it will get better (though very, very slowly in my case)

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by anilam

Idk, 30min walks seems more appropriate for (much) older clients. I think you'd benefit more from some company and more active/fun things to do. Alone/free time is the worst. All those things you mentioned would, for me, be boring as hell and chores I would (or wouldn't) do just to make s.o. else happy. How about what would make you happy, Growli?

Well, easier said than done, come to think about it (and trust me I hate thinking about it) I was the same (and some more) when I was your age... Am 30 now, took me more than 7yr of therapy to get here and I still have some work to do. I can, looking back now, see what I was doing wrong and even though I guess ppl tried to tell me/help me I couldn't see it then. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself so much about this.

I'm fat, lazy, and inactive. She tried to get me to go to the gym but with no success so she dialed it back to 30 min walks. I don't have anyone to be my company anymore. I tried finding someone to hang out with me today and failed.

I like hanging out with friends although none of them apparently like hanging out with me, watching videos in bed, listening to music, and video games. I sound like a middle schooler. Idk what makes me happy. I love orchestra but this is my week off.

I have a hard time believing this gets better

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't have much to say...sorry.

But, I like 30min walks better than the gym. And I walk as a coping skill...not to lose weight. I am overweight. When I was walking 30mins a day (I've been slacking), I actually lost 45lbs. I wasn't even trying!

Try to focus on the little victories (like the fact you did go for a few walks). The little victories are very important.

[JaneTennison1]

I do 30 min walks every day and I honestly love it. It gets me out and moving everyday. I'm far from old but love it. Just weighing in on that.

[brokenwarrior]

I've been seeing my T for almost 6 months now and very rarely do I do the homework that she want me to do for the week. I constantly feel like such a failure to her and she knows that. I'm just so deep in my depression and I'm mad that she just won't let me die. So I guess not doing my hw is is part due to my depression and partly rebellious.

[peaches100]

Awwwww, Growli - Don't be so hard on yourself. You're just going through a rough patch. A year isn't long to be working with your t. I've been in t much longer than you (I don't even want to say how long), and it has taken me a long time to incorporate new coping skills and lasting changes in my life.

It's good that you did some walking, even if you didn't do everything. Considering how rough you were feeling, and the fact that you forced yourself up and did it anyway, that's something to be proud of.

I've read many of your posts, and I don't think you sound lazy at all. You work at your recovery!

You haven't been bad, Growli. Your t might feel disappointed, but not because you aren't trying. She just cares about you a great deal and wants to help you so that you don't suffer as much. Most likely, she is feeling responsible herself and wondering what she may still need to do in order to help you.

There were times when my t and I went through this same thing, where we both felt bad that I wasn't as far along as we wanted me to be. But that didn't help matters at all. The only thing that does is make both therapist and client feel bad. The bottom line is. . .everybody is different. . .and there is no set time schedule for healing. "It takes as long as it takes."

It sounds like you have a good commited therapist who cares a great deal for you and will keep working to help you heal. There are bumps in the road, but that's the nature of the work.

Hugs to you,
Peaches

[vital]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm fat, lazy, and inactive. She tried to get me to go to the gym but with no success so she dialed it back to 30 min walks. I don't have anyone to be my company anymore. I tried finding someone to hang out with me today and failed.

I like hanging out with friends although none of them apparently like hanging out with me, watching videos in bed, listening to music, and video games. I sound like a middle schooler. Idk what makes me happy. I love orchestra but this is my week off.

I have a hard time believing this gets better

Ooo, I love walking almost more than anything else - especially in Boston. How can you resist the warm breezy fall evenings we're having?