[ScarletPimpernel]

I do not understand this.

I understand Ts might not answer particular questions. I understand that questions about their personal life is 99% of limits. But I don't understand the fear of asking questions that pertain to you and/or your therapy.

I understand the fear of a particular response, but I would still rather know the truth.

Why don't you ask for your diagnoses if you really want to know?

Why don't you ask if your T likes you or cares about you?

What if your T doesn't like you or care about you? Would you be okay with that? Would you continue to see him/her? If you don't ask, then you might be in a relationship with someone who doesn't likes you or care about you. That would suck.

In a therapeutic relationship, you are opening up about your deepest secrets, the most vulnerable aspects of yourself. Why would you want to do that with someone who doesn't care?

Are you really okay living with false information? In a fantasy?

I once heard my T say "My concern comes from a place of love" and "I want you to feel safe and loved here". But I tend to misinterpret/misunderstand/hear wrong what she says. So I asked her if she actually said those things. Of course, we then had a discussion about why I wanted to know, if I was prepared for any answer, and how it would benefit me. Of course I could have just held onto those 2 sentences and cherished them. But what good would it be to cherish something false? If she didn't say those things and I misunderstood, it would hurt. But I prefer the truth. Without the truth, I'm living a fantasy. BTW, she did confirm that she said those two things. And no, those two things do NOT mean she loves me. She might, but that's not the point.

I'm asking because I find it interesting that I read so many reponse about this fear.

All I can say is that sometimes the risk of 'knowing' rejection is true is WAY to much and to difficult to be even considered let alone put out there to be tested.
It is your question and how much I am scared to ask my T or tell me T certain things because of 'fear' of his response even though he has been great, is what has shown me over the last few months that has PROVEN to me just how much of a problem I have.
This 'relationship' is the only thing I have at this time that has me thinking there might be some care in my life and NOTHING can allow me to risk this possibility at this moment, EVEN if it is created (and I test this constantly and KNOW that I am wishing and seeing more then is really there). Translation, it is better to hope and wish then to add to the knowledge and belief that there is no one that cares, whether it is 'real' or even largely imagined.

That is the best answer I can give you as to why some of us might do some things that seem so strange to others.

[stopdog]

I don't fear asking the woman questions. I do not want, however, to recklessly place myself in a situation where I hand her the weapons and the opening to mock or humiliate me. She has mocked and humiliated me and blamed me for having done so. It is good practice to make sure I don't walk into her trap again. It is good for me to become more aware of where such traps lie.
The first one I see is terrible at handling questions. She becomes defensive and evasive. I therefore see a second one who is willing to explain and handles questions quite well.
I do not find it important for the therapist, either one that I see, to care. They have both, for reasons unknown to me unless it was for manipulation, stated they do like me and care (I seriously doubt it was true and neither has shown any real evidence of such - thankfully for me). Caring on the part of a stranger does not help me in any way. I am helped if they stay back. The first one stays back well - she does not care in any way that she demonstrates to me and I can tell her things because of that distance. I don't understand why anyone would want a therapist to care or how it would help with anything.

Because some of us were maybe treated with ridicule, anger, or worse when we asked questions of those who were important to is, and so we learnt never to ask questions. It is not an easy behavioural pattern to break.

And yes, it is perhaps irrational not to ask. But if we were all completely rational we might not need therapy.

Rationally, it doesn't matter at all whether the therapist cares or not. As long as they do a good job of being our therapist, it shouldn't make any difference to us whether they forget our existence as soon as we leave the room. I have no problem understanding that for many people it makes no difference whther the T cares or not. Unfortunately I am not one of those people.

[Freewilled]

Those are good questions....I don't know if I have the answers, but for me, I think part of it is my social anxiety. And that I take responsibility for the feelings of others. So I imagine putting him on the spot like that and I have to worry about managing my fears of rejection (ie "freewilled, there's nothing wrong with you. I just have no idea why you come every week. You seem just fine with me".....OR "freewilled, you are truly ****ed up. I have no idea how you expect me to be of any help.") while also balancing my fear of overwhelming him and making him uncomfortable. Yes - I realize it's irrational and he can take care of himself anyway. It doesn't change the feelings. Wish it did....

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Those are good questions....I don't know if I have the answers, but for me, I think part of it is my social anxiety. And that I take responsibility for the feelings of others. So I imagine putting him on the spot like that and I have to worry about managing my fears of rejection (ie "freewilled, there's nothing wrong with you. I just have no idea why you come every week. You seem just fine with me".....OR "freewilled, you are truly ****ed up. I have no idea how you expect me to be of any help.") while also balancing my fear of overwhelming him and making him uncomfortable. Yes - I realize it's irrational and he can take care of himself anyway. It doesn't change the feelings. Wish it did....

Gee, didn't realize I had a sister out there. ABSOLUTELY agree and feel every word you just said. Amazing how many of us are out here.

[nottrustin]

For me it is because I don't completely trust anybody to not hurt me. I know it comes from my dad. He always told me how much he loved me and how I was his princess yada yada. Then one day he walked out the door and never really came back. He had some contact with my brothers to go fishing etc. He never contacted me.

So I am often afraid of the answer. Afraid of rejection and afraid of not believing the answer. That is not exclusive to my therapist though. It pretty much pertains to everybody in my life.

[JustShakey]

Transference. I was trained to believe I should accept what is given to me and not ask for anything more or anything different. Often, it just simply won't occur to me to ask questions. Or I'll want to ask something and it will go completely out of my mind during sessions. Sometimes I find myself going blank and having no idea what it is I wanted to say/ask.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't mean to offend anyone. I kinda just felt like it was something in common with a lot of people here and I was just curious. Everyone has their reasons. I just wanted to know the reasons.

[JaneTennison1]

I ask her most things I want to know. She will sometimes answer and sometimes not. Recently I asked her something and she said she couldn't answer it and explained why. I felt safe that she would handle my feelings with care and listen to why I wanted to know

That being said, I understand why people don't ask and why it takes so long to build up trust and work through fear.

I dont understand it either. I ask my t questions all the time.
But i would imagine it comes from having bad experiences with asking other people questions.

[maz66]

T can be so difficult for people. They are there for numerous reasons, some may not know themselves exactly why........ that is why a safe honest and genuine relationship is a prerequisite for ANY therapeutic environment. It is down to a T to do their own constant self awareness and evaluations in regards to how they feel about anyone who comes to see them. I cant imagine how horrible it would be for someone in T to feel they are not accepted. As for asking things i guess that would depend on what was needed at the time. If a T is not comfortable with a question then i would hope most would be honest enough to acknowledge that if appropriate and explain why. If there is no honesty then how do you both move forward?. its a 2 way relationship. or am i just being a tad idealistic?

[Favorite Jeans]

It's a good question.

For me there are several issues:

1) I don't want to open a can of worms by getting an answer I don't like or that feels problematic to me. For example if she held a political opinion that I deeply disagree with or find offensive, I'd rather not know about it. I certainly don't need to be idealogical twins with everyone I like, but, in the case of my T, I'd rather erroneously assume she agrees with me about certain issues than know that she doesn't.

2) I would likely feel embarrassed if I asked her a question and she declined to answer it.

3) I've written more about this elsewhere... I find the asymmetry of our relationship to be very upsetting even though I understand why it has to be so. I don't want to hear her explain that she feels a kind of attenuated liking, a strictly professional positive regard for me when she has become so incredibly central in my life. I feel like it's ok to protect myself from that kind of conversation.

[Ford Puma]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I do not understand this.

I understand Ts might not answer particular questions. I understand that questions about their personal life is 99% of limits. But I don't understand the fear of asking questions that pertain to you and/or your therapy.

I understand the fear of a particular response, but I would still rather know the truth.

Why don't you ask for your diagnoses if you really want to know?

Why don't you ask if your T likes you or cares about you?

What if your T doesn't like you or care about you? Would you be okay with that? Would you continue to see him/her? If you don't ask, then you might be in a relationship with someone who doesn't likes you or care about you. That would suck.

In a therapeutic relationship, you are opening up about your deepest secrets, the most vulnerable aspects of yourself. Why would you want to do that with someone who doesn't care?

Are you really okay living with false information? In a fantasy?

I once heard my T say "My concern comes from a place of love" and "I want you to feel safe and loved here". But I tend to misinterpret/misunderstand/hear wrong what she says. So I asked her if she actually said those things. Of course, we then had a discussion about why I wanted to know, if I was prepared for any answer, and how it would benefit me. Of course I could have just held onto those 2 sentences and cherished them. But what good would it be to cherish something false? If she didn't say those things and I misunderstood, it would hurt. But I prefer the truth. Without the truth, I'm living a fantasy. BTW, she did confirm that she said those two things. And no, those two things do NOT mean she loves me. She might, but that's not the point.

I'm asking because I find it interesting that I read so many reponse about this fear.

Simple. Half the time they will sit in silence and the other half they will tell a fib as a response. Thats the way with them. To suggest they are always truthful and engaging is not so.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Transference. I was trained to believe I should accept what is given to me and not ask for anything more or anything different. Often, it just simply won't occur to me to ask questions. Or I'll want to ask something and it will go completely out of my mind during sessions. Sometimes I find myself going blank and having no idea what it is I wanted to say/ask.

I could have written this post myself! Hugs to you....I understand.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I understand a lot of your reasonings. I have been rejected and abandoned by so many people. My life literally depends on my T right now.

But for some reason, I NEED the honesty. I NEED to ask. I guess I've been rejected so much that I can't take putting emotions and energy into a relationship that isn't how I perceive it. But for some reason, even if an answer hurts, it doesn't affect the relationship. Like when I asked her if she loved me. I didn't really get an answer, but I was prepared for any answer.

The questions I was talking about are how your T feels about you and asking for a diagnosis. I wasn't meaning personal questions like politics, religion, etc. I don't want to ask my T about things like politics, mostly because I hate politics and I know she loves it. I have talked to her a little about religion/spirituality because I do have issues personally with it and I know she's Christian.

[wotchermuggle]

I admit, that I often want to scream "JUST ASK YOUR THERAPIST" in the comments of several threads.

It's normal to have questions or ask for interpretations from other people, but the best source of information is going to come from your therapist when it pertains to your therapy. Only they are going to be able to tell you what they meant by saying X.

I'm at a loss as to why so often people don't want to connect with their therapists by asking questions or clarifications. If it is related to your treatment, there is little or no reason for them not to answer your question.

Now if you want to know about their personal lives, that's a different story.

[musinglizzy]

And as far as the original post.... I'm also one who doesn't ask many questions. Even of friends.... I take what's offered. Yet, there was a time my T must have felt like I was holding back, or untrusting of her or something, because she Emailed me....and in it also said that she felt I would open up and benefit more by knowing more about her and who she is as a person. She gave me permission to ask anything I wanted. She's been quite open with me, and I don't typically ask much....but she will offer. She doesn't just talk about her, but if she can relate to something we're talking about, she'll bring herself into the conversation. I appreciate that she's not secretive about her life, she'll tell me things, but I don't ask. Helps me to remember she's just human too. She had to cancel an appt last week because her grandson was born. So, she has filled me in on him, and texted me a pic. She was on top of the world, of course, and I suppose felt like including me in the text with the pic was reasonable. I actually appreciated, but never expected, her to text me a photo. So I was touched by that.

[stopdog]

I do not believe many therapists are as forthcoming as some seem to think. Even where the question has nothing to do with personal information about the therapist. I actually did ask a great deal at the beginning - the therapist usually answered that she did not know - a bald faced lie. (my sorts of questions were -why ask me that question? what is the structure here? what is the point of X). I found someone else who would answer. I have no idea why the first therapist tried to keep information from me - she refused to answer that question either. I can surmise based on reading their textbooks, attending their classes and consulting other therapists - but asking the woman was not the way for me to gain the information I seek. Many of their ilk refuse to answer perfectly reasonable questions - I tend to believe as power plays and manipulation.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I can see that too SD. That not all Ts are completely honest. But I think by asking questions, you can figure out how honest they are (just as you did with the one T). I know my T is honest because she will tell me answers that I don't want. It's kind of like: how do you know there's light if there's no darkness" or "how do you know there's good if there is no bad". The fact she gave me answers that were difficult to hear, allows me to trust the answers that I do like.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Rationally, it doesn't matter at all whether the therapist cares or not. As long as they do a good job of being our therapist, it shouldn't make any difference to us whether they forget our existence as soon as we leave the room. I have no problem understanding that for many people it makes no difference whther the T cares or not. Unfortunately I am not one of those people.

I disagree, it does matter if the therapist actually cares. And what kind of therapist would forget our "existence" as soon as we leave the room? Do they have advanced stage of Alzheimer disease?

If your therapist doesn't care for you, I suggest you see a therapist that does care. They do exist.

[RTerroni]

I fear asking my Therapist questions because I fear she won't answer them.

Originally Posted by Partless

I disagree, it does matter if the therapist actually cares. And what kind of therapist would forget our "existence" as soon as we leave the room? Do they have advanced stage of Alzheimer disease?

If your therapist doesn't care for you, I suggest you see a therapist that does care. They do exist.

If it matters for you, then it matters for you. Please don't make inferences about me, since you don't know anything about me or my therapist. Thanks!

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I admit, that I often want to scream "JUST ASK YOUR THERAPIST" in the comments of several threads.

It's normal to have questions or ask for interpretations from other people, but the best source of information is going to come from your therapist when it pertains to your therapy. Only they are going to be able to tell you what they meant by saying X.

I'm at a loss as to why so often people don't want to connect with their therapists by asking questions or clarifications. If it is related to your treatment, there is little or no reason for them not to answer your question.

Now if you want to know about their personal lives, that's a different story.

It's not that I don't want to ask my T. It's just very hard for me. Telling me things like 'just ask already!' feels a lot like 'just get over yourself already!'. If I could get over myself already I wouldn't need to be in therapy in the first place. It's a problem and I am working on it and I am getting better, but it takes time.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

If it matters for you, then it matters for you. Please don't make inferences about me, since you don't know anything about me or my therapist. Thanks!

Did you read your own post? You said, "Rationally, it doesn't matter at all whether the therapist cares or not." That implies that people for whom it does matter are irrational. I am one of those people and I don't think wanting to receive care is "irrational". So that was the first point. In that context, to say, "if it matters for you, then it matters for you," is short of insulting.

Secondly, I am not doing mind reading. You said, "Unfortunately I am not one of those people", which is why I said if your therapist doesn't care for you, get somebody else. No need justifying uncaring therapist as the rational choice and implying things about who do have caring therapists.