Best Session = Worst Session

As a lot of you may recall, I started the post "I see my T today." And I ended it with saying that I had an amazing session with him. I opened up a lot, a spoke about things that I previously thought I "would never" say to him. Most of these things centered around my attachment and abandonment issues, splitting, and black and white thinking. (Hi, can we say borderline?) Anyway, I told him a lot about how I feel about him, how I idealize him, fear of termination, etc. The moment I walk out of therapy is always the hardest because I know that moment is the longest time until I go back. The next morning I woke up feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There was some sort of emotional pain that was literally making me feel sick. I couldn't immediately put words to what was going on, but as I took a shower and got ready for work, I did a lot of thinking. I realized that the "best" session was sort of the "worst" session because I tore down a lot of walls. By talking to him, I was deepening the therapeutic relationship, thus making me more emotionally invested in him. This, in turn, makes it hurt more when I know I can't speak with him, and it makes the fear of termination (whether that's in 2 years, 5, years, or 10 years), even greater. I told him sometimes I want to jeopardize "getting better" because "getting better" will mean I have to leave. He said, "Who will decide you have to leave?" And I realized that once again, I had the misconception that HE would decide when it was time for me to leave, i.e. abandon me. I then realized that of course, I am the one who decides when therapy is over. He told me that even if I do "feel better" it's okay to continue therapy. I'm scared because I hate forming this type of attachment. I feel vulnerable and I feel like it creates more anxiety. Closeness=destruction, best=worst, black and white, white and black, here I go again. There is no middle ground for me.

Actually, pinksoil, you BOTH can decide when would be a good time to terminate. Hopefully you'll get more and more in sync and thus be a good team.

It sounds like you're doing good, hard work. Don't worry so much about how you feel today (even about termination 10 years down the road, in 10 years you'll feel differently), just "accept" it for what it is, today's feelings. I helped myself a lot with the word "yet" :-) and you might use the word "now," reminding yourself you feel a certain way "now" so you don't go worrying too far down the road? I used "yet" for when I didn't understand or couldn't quite do something, "yet." :-)

((Pinksoil))) It sounds like you are really doing what it takes! I remember saying to my T about "ending" she said my need for her will change one day, but I said it feels like I will always need you. She replied, well we will work together for how ever long we need too. That helped ease my immediate fears.

Well done to you for doing the hard work! People like you give me the courage to keep on!

Pinksoil.
Wow, good insight and way to analyze your thinking patterns! We sound like we have the same brain.....you said so many of the words I've said to my t.

It's intense isn't it? The breaking down of the walls.....also kind of wonderful and liberating and frenetic......great session for you!

Keep that hammer out, and bang on those walls til they're down....you're courageous!!!!

Pinksoil, you are doing what it takes. I feel exactly as you do on almost every comment.

When you say "borderline" what does that mean? Just curious if you meant BPD because I've been wondering about that with me...

hey. my best sessions are my worst sessions too. i guess that in the best sessions i actually open up and express the things i'm vulnerable about.

but it really gets to me afterwards. because all my fears and insecurities hit me full force. i have this stuff going on where to express attachment is to set oneself up for abuse and rejection and being viewed as pathetic and contemptable and repulsive and the like. after the sessions it is really hard. i had a couple of sessions where i kind of opened up like that. didn't exactly express attachment but i certainly implied it and i'm fairly sure he got what i was getting at. last session i was kind of rejecting and pushed him away every time he tried to get close to those scary feelings. i needed to do that that time (and it was GREAT for me to see that he coped with that okay and didn't retaliate or whatever and that he could handle it). so i expect i'll open up again a little bit more next time.

it IS hard. but sounds to me like talking about these fears is indeed an important step towards working through these fears. and finding out that termination can be either YOUR decision or a MUTUAL decision (and that abandonment isn't inevitable) is GREAT. :-)

i used to get scared that if i improved then my therapist would terminate me. or stop investing so much effort in helping me. took me a while but eventually i realised... even if i try my hardest to be a happy and healthy individual i just can't pull it off for long. sigh. ;-)

problems are there... they really are there... one doesn't have to try at all...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
almeda24fan said:
Pinksoil, you are doing what it takes. I feel exactly as you do on almost every comment.

When you say "borderline" what does that mean? Just curious if you meant BPD because I've been wondering about that with me...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, I meant BPD-- I was diagnosed with that about 7 yrs. ago, when I was 18. And although T says not to focus on diagnoses, there are just some things that I do in which I have to stop, laugh and say, "How very borderline."

At least I can laugh about it.

Gotcha. It is great than you can laugh about it.

I already have two diagnoses. Major depression and ADD. But something tells me there is something else too.

He doesn't like to label me and doesn't want me thinking that I am "disordered" is the way he put it.