[ombrétwilight]

I just had my last session with T. I was totally caught unaware when she said “Guess I won’t be seeing you again after this.” because I thought we had at least 1-2 more before school ends. Isn’t it ironic that this is the very first time I almost couldn’t control myself from crying, though I did because even on this very last day I could not afford to show neediness. I’ll describe what we talked about just now because I don't want to forget our last session:

She asked me how things have been, and whether my revision was going well. Her office was freezing and my chin started trembling LOL. Most people wouldn't have noticed but she turned up the temperature and then I was so touched because I am that starved for her attention. When she mentioned that today would be the end I kept a neutral expression and dug my nails into my leg to stop the tears. Didn't even look back when I left (as though it was any other day) and barely made it to the bathroom before the waterworks came.

I feel like I just got divorced… (though I’ve never even been married LOL). She was a part of me and I need and love her so much. It’s as though some vital part of my heart and soul got ripped away and I will never be whole again. Sorry if I sound sentimentally melodramatic, but I am not exaggerating. How can I live like this? I knew termination was coming up but never had I thought it would be today. This is such a bad time too because I'm not really stable (she knows) and A Levels are in 19 days. It's occupying my whole being and I need to get over this fast or else I'm going to fail. I came into therapy for help, not to fall in love with my T. I was careful not to get into a relationship these 2 years so I wouldn't be one of the people who break up before 'A's, yet here I am feeling every bit as miserable.

Will I ever stop missing her? I never want to forget her, but I can't move on if I don't.

Sorry I am just pathetic.

[RedSun]

I think you can remember someone and cherish the times you had together, but still move on. It will take time. Good luck with your A levels, I agree the timing is terrible! Xx

[CantExplain]

((OT))

I'm surprised she didn't remind you that the last day was coming up. Many Ts would want to give you a chance to explore your feelings about that.

[iheartjacques]

I'm sorry you got caught off guard like that. I wonder if mine will give me some warning. My last great T didn't. Left a bad taste in my mouth for months after that.

[catlady83]

Is there any reason why sessions had to end? I'm wondering if you could pick things up with another therapist since you've mentioned that you still feel like you need it

[ombrétwilight]

Originally Posted by catlady83

Is there any reason why sessions had to end? I'm wondering if you could pick things up with another therapist since you've mentioned that you still feel like you need it

Because I'm graduating next month (she's my sch T) and she feels like I have to focus on my exams now. I will probably see another T in future but will have to pay out of pocket which is not very practical right now. Plus I don't know if I can ever get over her enough to see someone else.

[Ambra]

I don't think you are being pathetic at all. I went through the same thing (not with a therapist, a similar figure though). I still miss that person after 10 years and I will miss her forever. But I can tell you it does get better, you need some time to grieve and at a certain point you will internalise her and her teachings and will be able to bring her "with you". Give yourself time.. Thinking of you

p.s. can you ask her by any chance to keep in touch a little bit, like sending her a short email once in a few months, just for you to know she is there or to let her know briefly how you are doing? I didn't havr this option 10+ years ago, but I used to see her at her balcony at times, we looked at each other and smiled. It helped a lot to have a "proof" she was/is still there anyway. Don't know if it makes any sense...

[ombrétwilight]

Originally Posted by Ambra

I don't think you are being pathetic at all. I went through the same thing (not with a therapist, a similar figure though). I still miss that person after 10 years and I will miss her forever. But I can tell you it does get better, you need some time to grieve and at a certain point you will internalise her and her teachings and will be able to bring her "with you". Give yourself time.. Thinking of you

p.s. can you ask her by any chance to keep in touch a little bit, like sending her a short email once in a few months, just for you to know she is there or to let her know briefly how you are doing? I didn't havr this option 10+ years ago, but I used to see her at her balcony at times, we looked at each other and smiled. It helped a lot to have a "proof" she was/is still there anyway. Don't know if it makes any sense...

Oh man... missing someone forever sounds like a terribly lonely deal. I do suppose I will come to terms with it in time (I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction initially and then taper off) but I'm afraid there will be a T-shaped void left that can never be filled. You must be such a strong person to have dealt with this for a decade!

I'm not sure if I'll ever get the courage to contact her. I have her mobile number but it seems terribly intrusive to continue texting her. Not exactly sure what I'd say either. The way I left today was so... ordinary and I didn't even say any of the things I had saved for this occasion because I was so surprised.

And that is almost romantic but so nice, you two smiling at each from the balcony! (:

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

Oh man... missing someone forever sounds like a terribly lonely deal. I do suppose I will come to terms with it in time (I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction initially and then taper off) but I'm afraid there will be a T-shaped void left that can never be filled. You must be such a strong person to have dealt with this for a decade!


I'm not sure if I'll ever get the courage to contact her. I have her mobile number but it seems terribly intrusive to continue texting her. Not exactly sure what I'd say either. The way I left today was so... ordinary and I didn't even say any of the things I had saved for this occasion because I was so surprised.


And that is almost romantic but so nice, you two smiling at each from the balcony! (:

Oh it does get better but maybe you will process it in a healthier way, we are all different who knows. Your T has and will always have a unique place in your heart and that's what I meant by missing her forever. I haven't felt awful for a decade, it's just that we need to grieve like for any other loss and it's ok. Feelings change and get "more positive"(!?) I'd say.

I imagine it would be very dfficult to get in touch with her now. Maybe you could consider doing it later in time, when you feel better and have let things rest for a while? Then you will know what to tell her - if you decide to do it - and you might take the chance to write her the things you wanted to say but didn't manage to say now..

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

Oh man... missing someone forever sounds like a terribly lonely deal. I do suppose I will come to terms with it in time (I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction initially and then taper off) but I'm afraid there will be a T-shaped void left that can never be filled. You must be such a strong person to have dealt with this for a decade!

Griefs in general don't "go away". But they do fade and they don't have to be your whole life. I hope you find someone else to fill the void, or failing that, that you will live a full and happy life and this void becomes only a rare and fleeting shadow.

[Inner_Firefly]

I feel for you so much. I can feel your heart breaking and sadness... the "divorce", the part of you being ripped away. Your love for your T really shows in your post.

I know that you will always love her and miss her. I hope you give yourself lots of hugs and compassion, and hope you're able to channel the love your have for T into doing well so that your T would be proud of you. She sounds very caring and sensitive to your needs (turning up temperature) and I know she would want you to be well.

[EsotericNonsense]

I don't know if this is helpful but most jobs will offer mental health benefits so if you end up needing to see someone after you graduate you may be able to.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I'm sorry for your loss, twilight. I'm sorry that it's such bad timing for you too. I hope you find the strength in you to get through the next few weeks of study, and that you find another t to help you soon.

Sorry you are having a difficult time. Hope the exams go well, will you let us know how they go?

[geez]

If it were me I would call her or email her and tell her:
1. Taken off guard and you thought you had a few more sessions.
2. It would help you to not have to deal with this emotional goodbye until after your exam.
3. Ask if she can give you a tool to help you calm your anxieties about your exam.
4. Ask if it's OK to contact her after your exam or right before.

My T helped me get through an anxious time period for me in school. It helped me know that she was there for me if I needed to contact her. I felt safe and calm knowing I had her support.

Big Hugs!!



Best of luck on your exams!

[ombrétwilight]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Sorry you are having a difficult time. Hope the exams go well, will you let us know how they go?

I'll try to remember! They come out in March 2015 and I really hope I score decently, or else it'll be the end of me. Thanks for your well wishes!

Originally Posted by geez

If it were me I would call her or email her and tell her:
1. Taken off guard and you thought you had a few more sessions.
2. It would help you to not have to deal with this emotional goodbye until after your exam.
3. Ask if she can give you a tool to help you calm your anxieties about your exam.
4. Ask if it's OK to contact her after your exam or right before.

My T helped me get through an anxious time period for me in school. It helped me know that she was there for me if I needed to contact her. I felt safe and calm knowing I had her support.

Big Hugs!!

Best of luck on your exams!

Thanks for your advice and well wishes! My T did request that I contact her if I show warning signs i.e. suicidal actions like buying pills again and said that I was always welcome back if I had to vent about an exam. However I think she's just being polite because we've actually terminated once in Jul but I made it for 3 weeks before my second attempt, so I returned (to her disappointment/annoyance maybe?). Even if she was okay with it I have a lot of issues seeking help (it took more than I had to contact her the first time) especially when I perceive whether rationally or not that the other person is better off without me. This is kind of hard to explain and I probably am not making sense, sorry!

[geez]

(((Ombret))) you sound just like me! I too think my old T wants to get rid of me and is better off without me. I think she's being polite. I am going to talk to her about it even though I'm seeing a new T.

Big hugs! Please keep us posted! If you need any pocket riders for your test I'm there!