[MirandaL]

I have two questions in one and I really don´t know how to do in this matter. I hope you in here have some advice to give me. I´ve been e-mailing my T between the sessions and she has said that she thinks the e-mails are interesting and she always brings stuff from the e-mails into discussion during sessions.

But in the last session she said that she thought that one part of my last e-mail made her feel that I hinder her from expressing some things to me and that I in some way control her in what she can and can not say to me in therapy. It made me feel stupid as my intention wasn´t at all to make her feel that way but to explain certain things in a context.

I now feel hesitant about continuing e-mailing her. (It´s not some kind of demand from her side that I e-mail her but more my own decision to do so). If I don´t e-mail her I know she will ask me why and on the other hand I don´t want to e-mail her and just bringing up complaints.

My second question is about telling or not telling my T about stuff that happened during the last session. As she feels that my e-mail in some way hinder her from expressing certain thoughts I think that if I now point out things that annoyed me she perhaps reacts in the same way.

She knows I have difficulties with expressing feelings and even if she probably wasn´t aware I got offended by her asking me if I couldn´t look happy in a certain situation during the session. Perhaps I "should" have looked happy or more happy but should she really ask for it?

I also got offended by her asking me if me telling her an insight really was an insight or if I just said so. This made me feel that she doesn´t trust me and want to test me if I tell the truth.

In some way I think it´s just me reacting to the fact that I easily feel offended or mistrusted and because of what she said about my e-mail I think I should perhaps just ignore this and see what happens next session.

It´s not that big a question that I´m thinking of changing T or something like that, I just don´t know if and what and how I will tell her about the things I write about here.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I think it's important to bring this up with your T and ask her to clarify what she meant in the previous session. I have done that many times with my T...at first it's hard, but it does get easier.

Usually, I just start by saying "I have a question about what you said last week. You made the comment xyz and I don't really understand what you mean. Can you please clarify for me?"

There seem to be a lot of different issues going on between the two of you - almost too many to cover in one session - I definitely think there would be value in discussing them.

I personally feel that things are better saved and bought up in person, there is something very different (and more assertive) about saying things in person rather than writing them in an email, however hard it is, and it seems more real in the relationship to say them in person rather than write them - you get both of yours emotional involvement and reaction if you say them in person.

Your T says she feels you in some way control or want to control what she says or doesn't say. I think this may be a really common thing, I would like to control what my T says to me, she has reflected this back to me in a different way to your T, but I recognise it as the same thing.

[iheartjacques]

I don't get to email, but I am asked to write and bring it in. Then he gets to read it and respond to me in session. Sometimes it's easier that way.

Emailing things that you can't express in therapy can be a problem. It's like your therapist has two clients instead of one--one that shows up and is inexpressive/hard to read and one that emails with criticisms of therapy. I know it's hard, but the only way to make this work is to bring these things to session to talk about instead of emailing them. If you need to email, maybe try using it as a way to say what you'd like to talk about at your next session. You have legitimate concerns (being told to look happy? yikes!), but emailing them is not the way to resolve them. Do you otherwise like this therapist? If so, it's worth pushing through. If not, well...