[ThingWithFeathers]

Trigger (SH and csa)

So, my t and I began working on my csa the other day - starting to map out the least distressing trauma memories I have, with the aim of gradually working our way up to the more distressing traumas.

This is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about it all, and it's taken a year and a half of learning to talk and stablising my anxiety and depression. My t has also help me out a great deal with my SH behaviours and suicidal issues. With her help and my medication, I have been doing really well on this front.

After talking for the first time the other day about my csa with her, I actually surprised myself and was able to cope well in session (not like when I imagine telling her or have memories where I totally panic). I even went home feeling a small weight lifted off my shoulders.

But last night and today I've started to struggle with invasive thoughts that won't let up and I've been ruminating on all that was and wasn't said. I feel so frustrated and sad, and I don't know why. I SH tonight and now I feel awfully guilty because my t has helped me so much in this regard. I don't know how to explain to her how I went from feeling a little freer to feeling bad enough to not be able to stop myself from inflicting SH. I followed my self care plan and did everything on it, apart from calling any emergency contact line. I didn't want to call them for SH. I'm too uncomfortable to call them.

Just wanted to post to keep me busy and occupied and take my mind off things.

[peaches100]

Hi ThingWithFeathers,

I'm glad you posted. Your t did the right thing by taking time first to teach you coping skills to deal with your anxiety and help you stabilize, before she suggested that you begin to discuss and process traumatic events. But it sounds like beginning to discuss your traumas brought up some pretty significant discomfort anyway. I can relate. I've had to take therapy very, very slowly for this same reason.

I wonder if you might be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? It refers to someone who is very sensitive emotionally and biologically, and who is affected to a much bigger degree by things that happen to them. They usually feel emotions (both good ones and bad ones) at intense levels. Physiologically, HSP's react more quickly to stressors, and it takes longer to calm back down. If an HSP has also had traumatic experiences in their life, it can double that anxiety reaction. I am an HSP and have PTSD from some of the events in my past, even though there are other people who probably could have gone through the same thing and not have been so badly affected. The bottom line is: if you are an HSP, you have to take things s-l-o-w-l-y in therapy, so as not to become too overwhelmed.

You mentioned rumination too, and invasive thoughts. I'm guessing that you felt some comfort in being able to open up to your t and talk about a traumatic event. But after the session, it sounds like you had a difficult time "putting it away." It's a bit like opening a Pandora's box full of big scary things, and then 1 hour later, trying to push it all back down and close the lid. It can be hard to do!

I suggest you let your t know that addressing your trauma felt too disturbing, and it affected you later with intrusive thoughts, rumination, and SH. Thank her for taking things slowly with you, and emphasize that you need to continue to take things slowly. You also might ask her if she would work with you on "containment" before you leave your session. That way, you will be less likely to be plagued with trauma-related thoughts and feelings after your session.

The other thing you and your t can work on is a list of what you can do outside of your session if you begin to feel all of that turmoil come up again. These might be similar to the coping techniques you have for anxiety. But you also need a way to prevent yourself from ruminating. Ruminating usually only makes you feel worse and worse, and it contributes to a downward spiral. Work with your t to make a list of activities you can engage in to distract you from excess rumination. (I'm not suggesting denial, where you deny you are feeling bad. I mean that you recognize and acknowledge your anxiety and intrusive thoughts, but you do not allow them to "pull you in." You busy yourself in something else that is healthy and engaging until your session times rolls around again.

I hope some of these suggestions help you. I have been through this same thing. It is a real challenge to work on trauma in therapy, and then be able to put it away and "do life" between sessions. If I could give you advice in just one sentence, it would be this:

GO SLOW. . .DON'T RUMINATE. . .SELF-SOOTHE.

Hang in there! You just took a big, bold step in therapy to start talking about hard stuff. It takes time. Baby steps. . .

[ombrétwilight]

First of all, I'm proud that you managed your session calmly! It's normal to feel distressed after a heavy session like this because you dug all these buried (for good reason) emotions out and thoroughly examined them without re-burying them properly afterwards. I too always emerge from a session ten times more burdened than before I go in.

It's great that you're sharing this here - it helps to type things down and get them out your head! Don't be ashamed about relapsing, it happens to the best of us and sometimes it calls to us too strongly when we are weak. My T once said (in reply to my expressing lack of control over negative thoughts) that I can try to distract myself by occupying myself with other things. Or acknowledge them as being there, but just recognise their presence and tell myself I don't have to act on them. She also said to engage in self-talk, examine and challenge if they are really that powerful and controlling. In a way, to call their bluff. I suppose this applies for SH too, it may be very hard to discipline these nagging voices telling us to SH but I find that accepting (and reasoning) instead of denying them makes it easier.

Good luck getting through this

P.S. repeating what she said always verbatim from texts

[ThingWithFeathers]

Thanks for taking the time to respond at length, peaches! Yes, I am very sensitive to my stimuli and my environment. My t has been very good - taking time and making sure I'm ready and that I have control over how fast we go. I feel I can make it through reasonably safely until I see her next week - just have to keep my thoughts under control and find ways to self soothe.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Thanks for your kind words, twilight.

[iheartjacques]

well done. Looks like it was handled well too. Gives me hope!