[angelene]

This may seem like a silly question/issue but I'm seeing a new therapist and I'm wondering how I should interact with her with regards to her life?

Here is what I mean:
First of all, I still feel new to the mental health specialist experience because I've been unquestionably ill my entire life but just started seeing a psychiatric team about 5 years ago.

Whenever I go to see any of these people, I never engage with them in a meaningful way about their lives. As soon as I get there, it's just me, me, me. They say "Hi, how are you today?" and I get right down to business. I'm usually completely freaked out when I get to the office and need to immediately get to the reason(s) I'm there rather than go through pleasantries.

But I hear and read about the relationships other people have with their doctors, physician assistants, therapists, nurses, etc. and they usually know more personal things about these people.
Stuff like how many kids they have, if they're married, some of their own problems...

I think I should try to connect more with my new therapist but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm not even sure if it's necessary. But the thing is, I feel like I'm missing out on a valuable aspect of our relationship if I don't get to know her better.

My PA recently got married. I only know this because the name on her appointment cards changed. I wanted to congratulate her but I'm just so bad at socializing that I was too nervous to bring it up.

So I figure I'd better get friendly with my new therapist right away (I've only seen her 3 times so far); I just don't know how.

Any suggestions?

[geis]

A lot of therapists won't discuss that stuff--it can be a boundary issue. I've found that it often depends on the type of therapy they practice: for instance, when I've done psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy, the therapist won't tell you about themselves because they're meant to be a blank slate. Personally, I find that more useful. I don't want to know about my therapist's personal life. All the times I have known, it's ended up badly.

But if you think it's more helpful for you to get more personal with you therapist, probably the best first step is to have a conversation about what her boundaries are, why she sets those particular boundaries, and why you think it would be helpful for you to get to know her on a more personal level.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with geis. Have a discussion with your T about her boundaries.

[angelene]

Thanks to you both. I can have such a hard time figuring out how to articulate the simplest things.

I think it comes naturally, from being curious. I tend to ask questions about whatever I notice--a piece of furniture, artwork, books on the shelf. If it's sitting out, it's public consumption and tells me something about the person (therapist or other).

The clinic I go to has high turnover, so I warned my newest primary care doctor that the two before her left because they got pregnant, and that it seemed to be a thing that was going around. She laughed and said her baby days were over. So, in that case I learned something without necessarily asking, but by sharing information. That's one way to interact without being nosey.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by angelene

Thanks to you both. I can have such a hard time figuring out how to articulate the simplest things.

I am very much like you in that I am only anxious with men, I often get right to business in sessions with my male pdoc. I always wish we had more small talk but with 20 minute sessions there's not much time anyway. He's not big on small talk himself so the session just evolves into me talking only about me. The few times he tried o engage in small talk about what beer I liked I froze and gave some quick answer. If the T is chatty they may by nature engage you in small talk so it's not so awkward. If not, it's not their style, so follow their lead. Ts are there for you and aren't looking for you to be interested in their lives, so no need to worry.

[Xenon]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

If the T is chatty they may by nature engage you in small talk so it's not so awkward. If not, it's not their style, so follow their lead. Ts are there for you and aren't looking for you to be interested in their lives, so no need to worry.

Yeah, this. It's perfectly fine to follow their lead and only talk about aspects of their lives if and when they bring them up. It's supposed to be about you, after all.

I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I think I'd be nervous, too, if I thought I was supposed to somehow engage a T about their personal life. But it's not something that's expected of a client, and most Ts aren't too revealing unless they think it might be helpful to you or relevant to what you're talking about. Mine has mentioned something about her life occasionally, and couple times when that's happened, I've asked a question or made a small comment. I've never asked her about her life out of the blue. I'm a bit curious, but like you I feel awkward about raising the subject myself.

If you don't mind my asking, what's bothering you most about this? Are you self-conscious about not asking about their personal lives, thinking you might seem weird, awkward, or impolite if you don't? Or is it more about feeling like you're missing out on a kind of intimacy you imagine others have?

[angelene]

Originally Posted by Xenon

If you don't mind my asking, what's bothering you most about this? Are you self-conscious about not asking about their personal lives, thinking you might seem weird, awkward, or impolite if you don't? Or is it more about feeling like you're missing out on a kind of intimacy you imagine others have?

I think it's both. I don't want to seem impolite or uncaring and super self-absorbed. Plus I imagine it could benefit me if I know more about where the person is coming from.

I should have included this in my OP: she surprised me with a hug at the end of our first session. I don't come from a touchy-feely family so I'm not used to that. But since we really hit it off, it didn't seem inappropriate. She didn't do that the next 2 times I saw her, though. I'm definitely going to bring up boundaries next session so I can find out what is and isn't acceptable.
So far she seems amenable to working at my pace and even adjusting her own behavior. (For instance she asked if I was okay with her swearing.) She strikes me as unconventional but in a good way.

Thanks, you're all greatly helping me with this.

[tinyrabbit]

My therapist only tells me things about his life if it's helpful for me. It doesn't mean I ask him how he is. Therapy is all about you!

[angelene]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

My therapist only tells me things about his life if it's helpful for me. It doesn't mean I ask him how he is. Therapy is all about you!

I know! I guess it just feels weird for it to be all about me without knowing some stuff about the person with which I'm sharing all kinds of sensitive information.