[Tongalee]

So I'm asking this question to this world of online patients/clients of psychotherapy. My world has been full of sadness and disappointment lately, and I'm reaching out to you for understanding, support, but most importantly experience and knowledge.

So these last few weeks in therapy have been really hard. I had a dream of my therapist with my abusers (csa) where she walked in on what was happening, looked around, laughed at me, then walked out the door and locked it behind her leaving me stranded with them.

Since then I have been really struggling to feel okay about connecting with t. She doesn't seem to have backed away from me, but I have most definitely backed away from her. When I see her, my stomach tightens and I get really nervous. I even actually feel like she is going to hurt me sometimes when she gets too close. The odd thing is I really want to be close with her. I have fantasies about sitting next to her and putting my ear on her chest to listen to her heart, having her wrap her arms around me and read me stories. We were talking the other day about coping skills and things I could do to relieve some stress when it comes on. One thing that I thought of was a letter from her to me that I could keep with me for hard times. When I first thought about it I was really excited. However, as time passes, I'm not certain that this would be a good thing to have. It just seems like a connection to her that I don't want to make.

I know that this is frustrating for her; it is for me as well. I feel like I'm regressing in therapy and moving back into a place where I didn't trust her at all and found the thought of telling her things about myself physically repulsive. I don't want to go backwards, but I'm not sure how to move ahead with this blocking my path.

Does any one know what I'm talking about, or what is going on? Any ideas on how to fix it/ even how to approach the topic with my t?

[HazelGirl]

Did you tell her about the dream?

[Tongalee]

I couldn't talk to her about it, but I wrote to her that I had a dream, explained the very basic details (same ones I gave you guys pretty much), and left it at that.

[HazelGirl]

I wouldn't call it a rupture because she didn't do anything wrong. But there's a lot of transference and a ton of fear going on, and it's so important that you talk to her about it and get to the bottom of it.

[lone_77]

I know what you mean by wanting to be close to her but being afraid. It's definitely something you should talk to her about, and also should discuss the dream. She can help you see the 'real life' her, and will most likely be able to dispel some of your fears. Dreams are scary and realistic; I'm sorry you're going through this

[Rapunzel]

I don't see this as moving backwards at all, but more a sign that you are doing some of the hard work, thinking about your trauma, and it is scary because you don't know if it is safe to move forward or to trust. But those scared and insecure feelings are a normal part of this process and your therapist can help you to be able to sit with it and get through this if you give her the chance to by telling her what you are experiencing. Change is scary. Trust is scary. Trauma work is scary. But it will be worth it if you can get through the hard part. You don't have to rush, and you can go slow and/or rest. Just don't quit. You are close to something important.

[ThisWayOut]

Sounds like you are really struggling in therapy. I would agree with HG & lone 77, something that would be likely be helpful to talk with t about this... I had a milder similar situation with my ta few weeks ago. I was terrified of her, and we figured out it was related to the past. We are still working on it, but it helped a lot to talk to her apt it and get a "reality check" around who she really is. I still need her to remind me sometimes how she is different from my abusers...
I hope you can talk a bit more openly with t about all this.

[Tongalee]

I totally understand that this is best discussed with my therapist, but how?? I'm not even she what's going on, how do I bring it up to get for us to talk about :'(

I'm feeling so stressed out by this that I just want to break down. I'm sorry, I'm sure you all must think this is mundane, but it's really affecting me.

[lone_77]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I totally understand that this is best discussed with my therapist, but how?? I'm not even she what's going on, how do I bring it up to get for us to talk about :'(

I'm feeling so stressed out by this that I just want to break down. I'm sorry, I'm sure you all must think this is mundane, but it's really affecting me.

Of course it's not mundane!

I would start by bringing up the dream in the beginning of your session, so you'll have enough time to talk it through. Lots of times I can get off on a tangent, and I don't remember to bring up my 'big issue' until the last few minutes! I would just describe the dream to her, maybe bring in a written version, and most likely she'll take it from there, and ask you questions about how it's affected you. Unfortunately, Ts aren't mind readers, and although they can pick up signals sometimes, they'll never know what's going on in your head unless you tell them. She seems professional, and I'm sure will be tender in helping you resolve this. It might also clarify things for her too, because I'm sure she was concerned about your change in behavior, as she does care about you, and her goal is to support you!