[JustShakey]

I realized something important this morning. I've pulled back emotionally from my unhealthy relationships (and I finally walked away from my marriage) but I've been thinking (obsessing) a lot about my previous T. I'm essentially continuing the pattern by missing and idealizing the memory of her. I imagine that she cared/cares enough about me to learn from what happened between us. It's the same pattern I've followed for the last 10 years with my (soon to be ex) H. I keep feeling bad for him, letting him away with things, supporting him in things that would have any sane adult running for the hills.

Ex-h used to turn my words and my concerns against me. So did previous T. I actually told another T at in the office that I felt like I was being played with (I was in tears, a very rare thing for me). Next thing I knew she was accusing me of being manipulative. I mean, I couldn't even tell my own T she was hurting me, I couldn't even show her that I was in pain - she refused to see my pain, or maybe even took some twisted satisfaction from it. I was reduced to uncontrollably crying with one of her colleagues in the parking lot. And she didn't even respect that. The very next time I saw her she exploded in fury at me and threw me out of her office all while I begged her not to. I can recount so many similar experiences with ex-h and a few rather hazy ones with my mom, and one with a friend.

I LOVE these people! Ex-h, previous T, my mom, my friend. But they don't love me. They have thrown crumbs in my direction at best, they punish me for the slightest bit of 'disloyalty', yet they give me nothing at all in return.

T has asked me a few times why I insist on defending my mom... Well, that one is complicated, but I see his point. I do myself a disservice defending the h. I won't even get into the depths standing by him has dragged me to. He absolutely refused to take responsibility for anything. He kept saying he wanted to change and he didn't understand why he couldn't. I told him he didn't really want to change. And he didn't. He wanted me to do all the work for him, to put up with all his sh^t and accept 'I'm sorry, it won't happen again' over and over and over. I'm worth more to myself than to let myself be used like that.

And the same goes for previous T. She didn't even have the integrity to apologize for her lack of professionalism. I debased myself, begging her to keep seeing me, apologizing for bringing my needy self to therapy, trying to 'caretake', showing her with compliments and adoration...

I deserve an apology. I was very, very vulnerable and hurt and she USED me to make herself feel bigger, or better or something. I deserve an apology, but I'll never get one because she is pathetic. A T who can't even own her own humanity. Really, is there anything more pathetic? Well, maybe a man who hits his wife and then blames her for it.

I think maybe I take all the good things about myself and put them into these unworthy, loser people. I give them the love I should keep for myself. I've made many mistakes in my life, but unlike many people I've been close to, I take responsibility and learn from them. I give my compassion to these people, with their empty sorries at best and keep none for myself. I'm a good person, imperfect and human like everyone else, and I deserve to treat myself like the good caring person that I am. I am not letting miserable uncaring leeches walk on me ever again.

[StressedMess]

You are a good person! You're smart and strong and caring and responsible.

Have you read about codependency? I've half a mind that it's cobbled together character traits from many different disorders, then again I've read about it and every.single.description.fits.me!!

You do deserve love and you do deserve self-love. And peace in your life. And people who don't hurt because they're afraid to love.

[JustShakey]

Oh, yes. Codependency fits me too. It seems like such an innocent, almost pure thing on the surface - a person who always puts others' needs first, but it is so harmful.

Codependency is enabling, it maintains the cycle of abuse and the intergenerational patterns. It's also incredibly passive-agressive. A codependent will often be emotionally manipulative and abusive.

My parents have a codependent relationship, my own marriage too. Previous T clearly had unaddressed issues with codependency. It's a very insidious, harmful thing.

I figure the best way for me to overcome my own pathological tendencies is to own my aggression and my own needs. I grew up watching my mother manipulate people into caring for her by ostensibly catering to their needs. And she would get so angry with people when they didn't respond as she wanted them to. But of course she would never say it straight to them... Funny how I never noticed until the last year or so how fast she goes through friends. It's a little scary all the things that have been right in front of me all my life that I have never seen.

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[Parley]

I wanted to yahoo a smile for defending yourself and getting away from the violence but that might be inappropriate, so, I'll just say I hope you continue to find motivation to defend and love yourself.

I've never walked your path but I know it wasn't easy. I truly wish you well!

Such good work!!! Yes, you do deserve to treat yourself like the good caring person that you are. Hugs to you!

[guilloche]

You're not just *good* JustShakey, you're AWESOME!

I'm so sorry you've been through so much crap with the people in your life, especially the people who are supposed to love you the most (mom, husband) and your previous T (!!!). But, good for you for getting away from those people and standing up for yourself. You definitely, 100% without a doubt, deserve so much better!

[JustShakey]

Thanks everyone

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