A therapist can never be authentic!

My dermatologist yesterday no doubt cared about the cyst on my finger, but there was no pretense she was my intimate sharing my deepest pains and distress.

I'm confident that many/most therapists care about clients on some level. However, I experience the relationship itself as a simulation, a warm person concerned about me for very small measured doses. I read therapists average a patient load of 20-30 weekly, so all this caring, all those empathetic phrases "that must have been so difficult for you," seems, at least sometimes, stamped out by template.

I see a galaxy of difference how therapists talk to us and how they talk ABOUT us. When they're with us, they're act like they're part of a drama they really haven't witnessed, on a first name basis with our bosses, our boyfriends and our pets. Yet clients described in textbooks aren't recognizable as human beings--their deepest pain is described with utter detachment making them remote, abstracted lab specimens. I don't know how therapists describe us to supervisors or consultants; I surmise they employ jargonized detached description over than cozy language.

I saw this firsthand when I filed a complaint against a therapist. While claiming detachedly "I have empathy for Missbella" --talk about public relations-- he described me as a case rather than a human being. The gulf between his perceptions and mine was enormous. My feeling bullied by him was his "difficult case." Likewise, when therapists write about iatrogenesis, harm in therapy, they talk with such theoretical authority about the experience which has absolutely no relation to the actual experience (at least in my experience.)

Therapy feels to me like the difference between front-of-the-house and back-of-the-house in a restaurant. The diner sees all polish and presentation and if all goes well, feels cared for. A successful server likely employs strategies to create the illusion that our pleasure is his pleasure to encourage generosity at tip time. Maybe he means it. But it's a very different story in the kitchen.

I've said it before, there is nothing artificial or inauthentic about the therapeutic relationship in general. There are specific INDIVIDUALS who are inauthentic in their lives, and some of those individuals may happen to work as a therapist.

Anyone who has worked in the "helping" professions and genuinely strives to do quality work will tell you they authentically care about those they serve. Be it a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a pastor, or a therapist. No, it is most assuredly not the same as the love of a family member. But that's NOT what therapy is about and never HAS been what therapy is about. It does not mean it's a fake relationship. It's a different relationship.

I brought a family member to therapy once and he really needed to talk to someone. I thought it would be a conversation with the three of us, myself, my family member and the therapist.

Instead, the therapist and him got into a rapport and it was almost like I wasn't there. I was delighted because it was like watching a therapy session. Though, I was a bit dismayed to see that the therapist used a lot of the same phrases with him that she did with me.

Like, when my family member was describing abuse growing up, and living with a man who was really exacting and particular about all objects in the household, the therapist said, "Good thing you were so smart to be able to remember and comply with all those rules."

She'd said something similar to me, once. She reframed my being an abuse victim as being a smart kid who knew how to get her needs met and did what needed to be done to survive. Sigh.

Maybe it was sincere but more likely, she probably tells everyone the same thing. But maybe, also, we all need to hear it?

I can relate to what you're saying while at the same time, I feel like I disagree. How is that possible? Idk...guess I'm torn lol

What did you want your therapy and your therapist to be like? What were your expectations?

Sometimes it helps me when I think of my T as just doing his job. Part of his job is to "care" for at least 45-50 minutes (I don't even know what it's supposed to be now that he moved offices lol seems like he shoots for 45 min. but awkwardly let's it go for about 48 )....so he does. Some Ts don't do that. Meaning they don't do their jobs. So I appreciate that most weeks he seems to put in 110% and is pretty good at it. I admire his craft, so-to-speak, and I just go along with it sometimes. I know that he's being such a T , but I decide to roll with it. And I've found when I'm able to do that, I usually get something good out of it.

So I think in a way, therapy is authentic - in that the T is there to authentically do their job. What are you there for?

I do think they are playing a role, as most people are when they go to work. Some are able to be more human about it than others, and really listen. That's the part that I find the most difficult--finding one that listens well.

Lauliza: Interesting point of view. I think it´s much about what happened which makes me feel even more that the relationship isn´t authentic or at least, the therapist isn´t. As you say, they express "love" to a certain extent, makes you feel that's how they feel but suddenly changes the ways because of thinking a change in the therapy content would be suitable. Out of such change comes just a feeling of dishonesty and methods to provoke reactions from the client.

Tinyrabbit: I agree to that a therapist, as goes for any other human being, of course makes mistakes. But in a therapeutic setting several mistakes, saying the wrong things, pushing the client to hard, everything may end up ruining the relationship. As many of us have a struggle to afford therapy at the first place you can´t just overlook faults based on that therapists are just human.

It´s a also a big difference between changing the ways and actions in therapy and accidently "saying a thing the client didn´t like".

PeeJay: Although it perhaps wasn´t meant to be I can see clear "evidence" in your comment that therapists can´t be authentic. Of course certain techniques and expressions can be helpful to a lot of people but it also shows that it´s a kind of fabricated way of being. They so to speak "knows how to handle things according to some kind of scheme".

In some way it´s of course necessary but it again brings me to the fact that when a therapist tells you he or she likes you, that you´re strong or whatever you will always know that a part of such an expressions is just therapy techniques.

When you find out about this, as I claim I have, you just feel cheated and never want to talk to a therapist again. A person who exploit others peoples feelings, even if the cause is to reach further goals, will never be a geniune or honest person to me. Not a person worth to be trusted.

Miranda, I have thought a lot about your post today. I went back and re-read it a few times because I wanted to think about it. I sensed your T hadn't paid attention to some details in your therapy which were hurtful to you, returned from time off and didn't remember some conversations you may have had before T left, etc…all which led to misconnections and your feeling that your T wasn't being authentic with you.

You mentioned "therapy love" in your post but I don't see authenticity and therapy love as synonymous. A T can be authentic and not have loving feelings for a client. T's can also experience feelings of care/concern (or a type of love) towards a client without being authentic. They can also experience both simultaneously.

Personally, I have terminated therapies with T's who did not appear to be authentic.

In my own therapy, I have been disappointed. I have many examples to share. Once my T scheduled an appointment with me which fell on a holiday. I thought, "WOW, T works on a holiday!" I was quite impressed and excited because of a previous experience I had with another T. The next week, I showed up and T wasn't there. I left a message on his voicemail. He felt horrible when he got my message and realized what had happened. It gave us both the opportunity to talk about it. It's interesting that my T, in an effort to be the hero and different from my other T's, ended up doing something similar to what they would have done. We both grew that day because he recognized he couldn't be the hero and I recognized he wasn't a perfect T…He was, however, the perfect T for me.

Therapy is supposed to be a safe place to explore all of the above.

What if the therapist actually believes that you are strong?

MirandaL,

A lot depends upon your therapist and how they view their clients and what type of theories they use, etc.

I had a discussion with my T. today about becoming a therapist and this was interesting, because he told me what would be required of me, emotionally.

My T. told me that therapists are not perfect people - they're just people. Many people who have issues, but become stronger and better able to manage them, actually become therapists.

My T. said if I ever wanted to become a therapist (I have a degree in psych), that I must know myself, I must know where I've been and what my issues are, and I must get strong with managing those issues.

Because he told me that many therapists that become therapists have not managed their own issues well enough - and that's when sometimes therapy does more harm than good.

So it depends upon your T. I think my T. is quite authentic, although he still does so in a safe and therapeutic manner.

It is a professional relationship - but not artificial or unauthentic at all.

However, took me a while to sort this out, and my T. helped me there too. I did once think exactly as you are now - so you may want to give it some time.

You may see differently later. Hugs to you! Hang in there.

I agree with AmazingGrace7 - I also have discontinued therapy with T's that are not authentic.

I almost did not go back into therapy again, I had so many failures.

But I took one more risk - and I'm glad I did.

Whether or not you stay with a T. is your decision. They are all very different.

Many therapists welcome intro emails or brief phone calls to see initially if they might be a good "fit" or offer what you're looking for. Almost all social roles are bound by some framework or set of belief systems. That said it certainly sounds like your therapist in particular is lacking for you. I'm sorry for that. Therapy certainly isn't an effective method for everyone anymore than medicine is the answer for everyone.

I think sometimes it's a struggle to define our relationships with our Ts. But I've kind of just let this one happen. If I step back and look at it subjectively and at its most primal level, I care about her and she cares about me. Yes, it's her job, but there's a difference between showing up for work every day and actually trying to excel and help others. T's jobs are so unique: their objective is literally to form a bond with another person in order to help them heal. They're not telemarketers or cashiers and they can't just 'forget' about you, even if they try. Sometimes that bond can't be established, but once it is, you can't deny it's there. Maybe my own experiences influence this, because my T has shown me many times that she truly cares, but I also think it's just a part of them as human beings and it depends. I ended therapy with exT because we weren't compatible. Some are genuine, some are not, but when they are for real there's no denying their validity. You are capable of loving and caring for them, why wouldn't they be able to do the same for you? They're human too.

As for her telling me I'm strong, and the validity of that statement, I remember once she got a little teary eyed at something I was delving into from my past. I wasn't looking at her, but in the middle of my sentence I saw her sit up straighter and start to lean towards me from my periphery, and I just kept talking. She stopped me mid sentence and looked straight into my eyes. "Do you ever feel proud of yourself for how strong you are?" I said no, not really, and she looked taken aback. "That's astounding...you really are..." and she sort of drifted off. Maybe my writing doesn't do the moment justice, but I wouldn't question her sincerity. I don't think it was just a technique. There are wonderful T's and bad T's out there, you just have to find the good ones.

The title is interesting.... "can-never"....

'Never' and 'always'
TA theory suggests that these are rackety feelings, ie protection feelings, to defend your 'script' of who you are and how others perceive you. Like 'people always take advantage of me. I will never find someone who truly loves me'. Our scripts are pretty negative, but we defend them over and over because they are familiar and therefore safe.
Sorry, off thread a bit, but I had the same thought!

I am naturally suspicious, and I always tell myself that others don't care for me as much I think in case I get disappointed, which is inevitable. Therefore, I have never convinced myself that T actually cared about me all that much and it didn't hurt as badly when I senses her annoyance. That said, I must concede that my perception is limited (intentionally) and I have to give her credit where it's due because she did demonstrate that she does care, as much as she could within the constraints of therapy.

There will always be clients whom a T like a little better and some a little less, but I believe that if he/she truly disliked one for some reason he/she would have referred the person on. I hope I'm one of those she genuinely likes... It's devastating otherwise.

I don't agree that therapy is unauthentic though. Ts do sincerely care about their clients but not as we can expect from a family member or friend. It's authentic therapy love, and perhaps this is the most we can look for from within the severely limited boundaries.

AmazingGrace7: You pinpoint one of the most important aspects of therapy; therapy is supposed to be a safe place to explore misunderstandings and so on. As my T made me feel stupid, cornered and so on and broke promises as if it was her ordinary way of acting towards clients I just see a person who doesn´t care for her clients that much.

It´s when the therapist can use all of her or his techniques and fool clients to believe they care when no arguments take place. When the client reacts, feels disappointed and so on, it just shows how unaware and indifferent the T really is.

AncientMelody: Yes, my T has shown me one side of her when we got to know each other, I thought me and her would be able to work together in a good way but now I´m not really sure any more.

It´s the T:s responsibility to create that trust and safe environment and when you as a client feels he or she doesn´t, I don´t know what to do.

Lone77: Yes, as many others said, the goal is to bond with the client to be able to do good work for the client. I think it´s a huge difference between the "love" a client feels for a T and the possible love a T feels for his or her client. The client is often in a quite exposed position, often with relational problems and therefore depends upon the T as the T never has that dependent position. The love a T feels is mostly a constructed one, a kind of love that "fits into" their work, it´s artificial to the most.

I don't like to argue, so I guess the only thing I can say is that I'm sorry you've never experienced a truly rewarding T experience. Because they are wonderful. They worry about us and try to find ways to help us (in between sessions). My T sometimes researches new ways she can help me, or sends me an email to check in if she's worried or I haven't seen her in a while. Maybe it's just because there's a wide gap in our ages, but she makes references to 'sounding like a mom' when she's encouraging me to stay safe or make good choices. If she didn't care, I don't think she'd spend the extra time....but yes, I see where you're coming from, I'd use the word love to describe my feelings for her but I guess I'll never know if she feels the same. She's kind and good to me, and that's all that really matters.

Lone77: My goal isn´t to argue but to look into the perspectives of the therapeutic relationship and to hear about similiar experiences to my own. As you have a T you find nice and competent you naturally won´t have the same appreciation of the matter as I do.

My T wouldn´t do such things for me as e-mailing me about how I feel, for my T it´s way to much about boundaries, showing kindness but at the same time having opinions she doesn´t share with me that I get to know anyway and so on. There are a lots of examples.

A caring T is so important, and my exT was similar in that he distanced himself. She sounds professional but doesn't sound caring, and I think it's important for a T to have both.

Best of luck. I hope you are able to find a great one. There's lots out there.

I'm sorry that is your experience. It frustrates me when T's are unwilling to acknowledge their own part in the therapy experience of the client as there have been times when my T's stuff got in the way of MY therapy and it shouldn't happen. But, T's are human and, honestly, I probably learn as much, if not more, about myself when these misconnections occur. Usually, it's what (response) I needed at the moment that I didn't get from T and why it was important to me. With current T, we work together to examine it and move forward.

I have tried to ask myself when I have felt disappointment if my T's response/behavior/actions was malicious and if I had (some level of) expectations and was it realistic? The times it has happened with any of my T's, I usually came to the conclusion that it may have been selfishness or fear, on T's part, but not maliciousness. Of course, there have been a few times I have realized my expectation, of myself or T, is unrealistic and we have the opportunity to discuss that, too.

When I read your own words it implied a certain level of maliciousness on your T's part…"As my T made me feel stupid", "It´s when the therapist can use all of her or his techniques and fool clients to believe they care when no arguments take place."

Have you considered having conversations with your T about your concerns and see if, moving forward, she is someone you can continue working with or if you need to find another T more suited for your needs?

My therapist team (group therapy) unleashed pure rage at me when I told them therapy wasn't working. I was imagining their mistakes, my wanting to leave meant I was on the edge of a breakthrough, I was delusional. And then they fired a barrage of ridicule and insults, all in front of everyone else in the therapy group.

So I don't believe talking ruptures and misunderstanding over with your therapist always is a good idea.If the therapist is fragile, vain and overbearing, it's better for sanity and self preservation to leave quietly. I regret years later trying to reason with them. They can be bullies.