What do you do with this comment/question from t?

During mid sessions she says " do you see yourself wanting to change in this therapy? Change is needed for a successful therapy.

Me: of course, why would I be in therapy?

T- some clients come here and enjoy being stuck in thier misery because that's all they know, they learn coping skills , come to therapy, never miss a session , but prefer not to change.

Me: well that's not me, I may be miserable, and yes this all I know but I'm looking for a way out. And if you stay long enough for me to have a successful therapy ending, maybe I can accomplish it.

T- I'm asking because you are avoidant.

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Hmm. That could be taken as your T is just confirming what your purpose is for being in therapy.

But I understand how it can also be hurtful. The fact that you're still showing up after all you've been through with this T and previous Ts shows that you have a lot of dedication to improving yourself. And avoidance is a coping mechanism. It's doesn't necessarily mean you don't want or are resistant to change. Also, I consider learning coping skills as change. You are learning new behaviors and/or cognitive techniques to change some aspect of yourself. I consider resistance to change to mean that you don't put in any effort, you self-sabotage everything, challenge everything, and refuse to apply any coping skills.

That's just my opinion anyways.

To me she sounds quite impatient with that question. I felt my T was acting like that while a little while ago; he kept saying things like "what do you want from therapy" and "do you not feel able to trust me?" Until I actually said to him 'you need to be more patient with me'.
He was really taken aback because he perceived himself as a totally patient person. I think that's the problem sometimes: Ts don't realise how impatient they can seem and how much pressure they can make us feel under if we're not moving or making progress at the rate they expect. I used to think I was doing therapy wrong because of some of the things he said, but to be fair, since I confronted him about how it made me feel he is letting me go at my own pace a lot more.

It's a coping mechanism , I'm also working on some c s a , I just didn't like the comparison , I guess something to address next session , I'm not being avoidant to test her as she implied , it's just hard stuff.

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I agree , this is my 7 th month but then we broke the weekly connection we had and lots happened in between. I don't like the comparison .

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I've heard that line from a lot of clinicians before, and honestly, I think it's a load of crap. I think a lot of clinicians fall into the same trap that non-professionals do: they get frustrated that we're not making progress as fast as they want or in the ways they want, so they blame us for not trying hard enough or accuse you of wanting to stay sick.

I honestly do not know anyone who wants to stay sick, and I know a lot of people struggling with this stuff. We hit plateaus sometimes, but not because we want to stay sick--and often, I've found, there's a lot of internal processing that happens while I'm on a plateau, and then suddenly I go from what looks like no progress to major progress.

If a therapist said something like that to me, it would be a MAJOR red flag. Depending on the context, it might even be a deal-breaker. But that's me; your mileage may vary.

I'm avoidant too. Sometimes half the battle for me is admitting that I want something different than what I am SAYING that I want. Like I love to talk about how I didn't want to show up that day or how therapy is a bunch of froo froo fluff. The "work" for me is admitting that I AM attached to T and that I do appreciate his attempts at connection. (even if I ***** about them)

I would be unable to work with a therapist who was impatient, labeled me resistant for not trusting them enough, and tried shaming me for not doing things the way she thought. Frankly, being badgered to open up and trust someone is not the thing that makes me more likely to do so.

I don't know anyone really who would want to stay miserable, if so, then that's all together another diagnosis ( just saying out of anger) anyway, she is right it's all I know, and I told her yes , I'm stuck , I'm somewhat avoidant right now, but damn , I just went through a ****ing death In the family although I hated her, she died in my arms, a prolonged agony, ptsd **** of my own, c s a ****, schedule changes , trying to still get use to her since my last t left , and the previous t before that. I'm not trying to justify my behaviors. I do all homework, I hardly call her, I'm not needy with her.

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I think that was ridiculous of her to say. If a client is coming to therapy, it's because they need something. Bar none. They wouldn't do it otherwise. It's her job to figure out what that is, not belittle them.

Avoidance is a coping mechanism and no wonder you're doing it, you don't trust her bc she belittles your needs and blames you for her own shortcomings.

Thats what I replied, why would I be here in therapy then, thats when she said, I have clients come here week after week, telling me they want to change, but they dont, they rather stay stuck because they are comfortable where they are.

I said, well I am not comfortable where I am, I do want to improve, but I feel miserable right now, i dont feel comfortable, I need to see you weekly get back some sort of connection to try and be more open. thats when she said she had good news about where they had hired more therapist. At this point I didnt care because I felt she implied i didnt want to change and I was there wasting her time.

I don't like the tone of that, I am sure that those people who are stuck in their misery don't actually enjoy it and a good therapist can work on increasing motivation for change.

That is so judgmental, presumptuous and unsympathetic, I wonder if she just became a therapist for the feel good factor.

Ooo. When I read what she said, I automatically felt the sting. Hugs to you. I commend you for processing it with intelligence and open mindedness. To be read with sarcasm: "Oh yes T, I love coming here every week and paying my hard-earned dollars to relive my past nightmares with you. I'm so glad I take the time to make sure that my misery remains! Thank you for this pain. Here's my copayment. Let's do it again next week!"
F that S.

Hugs,
Meow

I'm also avoidant and it's hard for me to change unless I have a fire under me. My pdoc said to me once a while back "look you can come in here and tell me all the things he (H) does but that's not going to get us anywhere. You need to decide how you're going to choose up live your life" me: "I don't know what I want to do" doc: "I know that. That's what you need to focus on. Not the stupid things he does. Focus on you"

That stung and hurt my feelings a bit, because I thought I was doing well in therapy. But it wasn't meant to be hurtful, it was meant to stop me from getting stuck. And hearing it from him motivated me, like I had to do something or face disapproval. That may not work for everyone but that's the fire that helps me change.

So I think your T is trying to light a fire under you to push a little. I know it can feel lousy but sometimes it helps.

My T has more or less said the same thing. He's implied my own mother didn't want to change since she went to therapy for so many years herself but didn't do the work...or whatever. I'm conflicted because I see how it can be a way to challenge but....idk. There's a reason for the client to be struggling with avoidance. Sometimes I think the T feels uncomfortable so they push it away by blaming the client. But I hope it's more unconscious on the Ts part and not as a means to be hurtful. I think they think they are trying to help, but their own annoyance or frustration (or more likely fear and a feeling of incompetence) is what may be driving it.

What patient isn't avoidant once in awhile???

I'm calling bs on your T. She does sound unusually impatient. I hate to say it but the first thing I think is ,sheet, is she leaving too????

Maybe you are not in a place to fully open up because she has not been there enough, not enough appts. That is not your fault and she should't take it out on you.

It did hurt, because I go to session so prepared, I have a folder, I have topics, drawings, everything , but I tend to beat around the bush, but I do want the change, I'm just insecure, and she says it herself that having two therapists leave back to back isn't helpful.



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All the T's I ever met asked the same question, usually in the first meeting. The worst was DD2's who implied that I figured I could just "fix" her and then my life would be peachy keen. I can't quote exactly because I blocked it out but it was along the lines of "your actions cause this behavior, are you ready to change your actions or are you going to continue to blame her?"

T's need to know we are serious, using employer/employee issues as an example: why would they "hire" us if we were just going to get pregnant and take maternity leave, or use their job as a jumping off point for a better one and leave after training was complete?

My T tells me of past patients who basically just phoned it in, didn't care about changing their lives, only came to therapy because it is a requirement to see a Pdoc at the clinic, and felt it was a big waste of their time. I wouldn't give an hour a week to someone who felt like that.

If she says it to you every.single.session, what is the reason? Does she ask you something and you hide from it every single time? Is she making you aware and prodding you for progress, or is she being a witch and punishing you?

Dah. Why would anyone go into therapy if they did not want some kind of change in their life? Your T thinks some people enjoy being stuck in misery? Red Flag. I'm so sorry your T put you through that quiz. It sounds like a weird way of telling you that the T is stuck for not knowing how to help you except to say go change and come back when you are well.

For myself I would not bother seeing a T if that is the best they can do. I can easily get that message of "go change and improve your life" from family and friends. I expect a T to know more about how I tick and to get through to me in ways that the average person on the street can't.

I think unfortunately your therapist needs as much work as she is expecting you to do.

You are not wrong, you are doing a good thing by going to therapy. You are reaching out a hand saying you want to change. I just think maybe your therapist is ill-equipped to help you heal.

Totally would not be useful for me. I do not respond well nor is it ultimately useful for a therapist to think they get to light fires at me.

I would be offended but different people need to hear different things.

How did you feel after?

Not every session , what she mentions every single session is that I'm being avoidant, in the beginning we promised each other to be straightforward with each other, that's how I am, and she always says she loves that quality about me. I avoid saying words that have to do with c s a but I use alternative words, so it can't be that.

She wants to spend at least 5 min or 10 discussing how the past 2 weeks went, then the rest of session " the core" on past/present c s a and present stuff. But she says I avoid that by spending to much time on discussing the past 2 weeks.

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I felt pissed, if she is trying to express emotions in session , it's gonna work very soon, I told her I felt like walking out, she said, your free to do that, but that would not be very effective behavior would it?

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