What do you do with this comment/question from t?

It's your therapy, not hers. What you talk about should be up to you. I'm of the opinion that you can't really separate past and present, since who we are and how we respond to things in the present is shaped by what we've experienced in the past. And often past traumas are brought up by things happening in the present, and that needs to be dealt with. Sometimes you can't even see the connections between past and present unless you have the freedom to talk about both, and that does a great disservice to the client.

Ugh, yes, I would hate to be told that. I second these posts:

I actually got a comment like that when I emailed a bunch of potential Ts last year, describing my situation to see how they'd respond. One woman's reply consisted entirely of telling me that "therapy is work" and I have to be willing to do it. I was quite put off by that, since a) she seemed to be blaming me for my previous lack of success in therapy and b) she seemed to think the solution was to simply waggle her finger in my face and inform me that I "need to work." Instead of, you know, help me with the reasons behind my resistance.

So yeah, I think it's quite fair to point out if you seem to be avoiding something, but there should be something more helpful and constructive in there than, "This won't work if you're being like this. Be different."

It seems a bit of a non specific comment to me - bit general, what specific behaviours that she sees is she commenting on?

I'm surprised she expects anything different when she's been seeing you only once every two weeks.

You know & I would hope your T would know, that you can KNOW skills in your mind & not know HOW to implement or apply them to your life.....not only that but to make changes, those changes have to be continually practed over & over again to reprogram the neuropathways in the mind so that the behavior will change.....7 months with a T is a very short time to observe any REAL changes.

Shoot, most of us in our DBT group took 2 years to even figure out HOW TO APPLY the skills we learned to our life to help us function better......after you learn HOW to apply the skills it takes a long time to practice before it becomes a natural part of life.....that has nothing to do with being avoidant but has everything to do with processing the information....& some of us are slower than others when it comes to the implementation

I don't understand your maternity leave example. Do you think it is ok for employers to not hire women of fertile age on the off-chance that they will go on maternity leave? Where I live, that would not be legal. (And in any case, fathers take paternity leave too, here, so anybody who lives with small children is going to be less productive.)

And I do not think I would return to a T who asked me that in the first session. Ts know - or should know - how hard it is for many people to contact a therapist, and it is unlikely that people do that unless they want to change.

That being said, my therapist has told me that from time to time he has met with people who were basically only coming to see him in order to whine at somebody for free, and those people, he feels, are wasting his time. (He said that in response to me worrying that I'm wasting his time when I am in too much pain to say much at a session, and he went on to assure me that I have not been wasting his time, and he would tell me if I were.)

Another thing my T is fond of saying is that every change, however small, is 100% in itself. I find that a very useful and positive thought.

To Meow-I have read so many awesome responses from people on this forum, truly, but I think this is one of the top posts ever!

Hello Sweepy, I had a similar response to what your therapist said in that I could only think of sarcastic responses besides out and out telling them to go to heck. I have had a therapist respond in a similar way to me when we were dealing with a subject that made him very uncomfortable. He wanted me to just solve things and get over it so we wouldn't have to talk about and deal with it anymore. In answer to your question, what do you do with this comment, I would follow some of the wonderful advice you have been given on this thread. I would tell the therapist how you felt about the comment and as you wrote so well, remind them that you are dealing with a very painful and difficult subject and that they need to be more thoughtful, understanding and a lot more patient. In fact, it can backfire and be harmful for someone to try to rush a person into working through a subject. Every person is unique. Every person must go through the process at their own pace. There is NOT a correct or right time frame for the healing process. I wish you all the best.

I would have asked for an example of said behavior. Talk about it objectively. I know it sounds awful to say some people have no intention of change, but I don't think it's in a conscious deliberate sense. I was stuck for a year in that mode. I had even said to mine that I think I'm happy being miserable. After some time he had to give me a similar push to snap me out of it. I was pretty pissed at the time but I knew it was the right thing to do.

The misery we know is often easier to bear than the scary unknown. Nothing strange about that. The thing is, even if somebody is stuck in that place, it doesn't mean that pushing/blaming is always the right thing to do. Ts have to consider very carefully what might work for each individual client. A T shouldn't support a client in any kind of self-destructive or avoidant behaviour, but that doesn't mean the shock treatment is necessarily appropriate.

In your situation, I'd be pretty hurt by her comment too. I'm wondering if your therapist is feeling overwhelmed at work (she's taken on the clients of therapists who have left) and perhaps she is feeling that she's running to keep up with things and she put HER feelings of being overwhelmed onto you. Not okay. It's understandable that she might feel overwhelmed but that's between her and the clinic that is having difficulty retaining their employees!

What she is forgetting is that she keeps asking you to function in therapy with trust and courage (courage referring to a willingness to jump off the trauma cliff). How can she expect that from you when she hasn't been there on a consistent basis? Trust is earned when someone demonstrates over time that what they say, is what they do. So far, due to the clinic's difficulties, your therapist hasn't been able to give you that security. I get it that she is a good therapist who is dealing with an impossible situation, but she isn't thinking this through. How can she expect you to trust you after changing therapists three times and then decreasing your sessions to once every other week??? Has she forgotten that you went through a horrendous time being the SOLE caretaker of a woman you disliked and who insulted and lashed out at you verbally constantly? Has she forgotten that you cared for that woman up to and including the day she died? And then you had to deal with the aftermath of her death, including mental anguish and physical injury????

You are a direct person. I would encourage you to bring this up to your therapist. Personally, I think she really is overwhelmed with all that is being asked of her, BUT that does not make it okay for her to dump that on you for not jumping in and dealing with a very painful subject. You are not being avoidant, you are being protective and cautious--she has NOT proven that she is totally trustworthy in the "I'll be here to support you" department.

I completely disagree with this. First, therapists are not giving their time, clients pay for it. Clients are the one who hire the therapists, not the other way around. Therapists are not doing a favor for clients by letting them come. Therapists do not need to know if a client is serious or not- not their call to make.
Second, clients change at their own pace and do not need to conform to a therapist's idea of what they need to do. Third, clients may have a different agenda than the therapist and that does not make the client wrong. Further, if it is a requirement imposed by external forces, then I do not find it wrong unusual at all that a non voluntary client would not choose to engage in the way the therapist tried to impose.

Different perspective? Maybe your T is offering a challenge? A bit of a, I noticed we have stalled, what is going on, where are you at, and what can we do to push past this? It isn't necessarily a negative thing.

I think you really need to look at this and decide for yourself, is she right? Are you resisting change? Are you not trying her suggestions and making excuses because you're scared? Or... Is your therapist off base, is she just being a ***** basically. I think you need to follow up on this and tell her what you decide and why. For example either say "I thought about it and you are right, I've been resistant to change without realizing it, but now that I see it I will work to fix it." Or say "I disagree with your assessment, and I have been making changes such as X, Y, and Z and I kind of resent that you feel this way about me unjustified."

Thank you, I agree, I will address this next session, she has taken a **** load of clients, but its not my problem. We were doing well at the begining. I want to change, I have shown her what change looks like to me, I have drawn it, written about it. I am very organized. Yes I am avoidant, I lack trust right now, yes I am insecure, she has said things, that make me wonder.

UPDATE:I have been thinking , and I have been doing alot of things to step out of my comfort zone, throughtout this whole turmoil, that proves I don't want to stay stuck . I'm just afraid and insecure, I have done stuff that I didn't do with my former t which I loved. This t , if you remember from other posts , she wanted me to tell my friend about my c s a, she wanted me to open up more with my brother whom I love and trust , but no one knows of my past . Here are my accomplishments with this new t:

I have told my best friend about my past ( no details) I wrote it. My friend felt bad and said we don't need to talk about it, but I hate them.

I told my brother my diagnosis and the meds I'm on, and I have bad nightmares, he also had ptsd and is in therapy .

I made a presentation of what a happy future would look like.

I have set boundaries at home, I slack , because I'm use to people stepping all over them,

I'm doing online cbt through 8 week course through Thier clinic, to help myself this way I won't burden her.

I disclose something about c s a every session .

I think I'm doing my part.

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I don't like the sounds of your new therapist. She sounds like a b*i*t*c*h. If I were you I would bring it up next session and just say like what the f do you want from me, because you told me to do x y and z and I did x y and z and
yet you say things like I don't really want to change. Ugh, sorry. Maybe this therapist just sucks??

The two things that are bothering right now are, these comments: the one I just posted, and the last one where she said therapy doesent last foverever. the part about being avoidant, I know I am, but i do deserve a bit of slack because , my routine was disrupted, and i am ocd about routines. other than that, she is to the point.

We only clashed a bit in oppinions where i said i didnt think i couldnt do c s a with her seeing her every two weeks, with me being a bit unstable and hearing voices.
She now agrees, that we are going to work on more coping skills.and present stressors. but I feel rushed, like somebody is telling her "oh this client is too slow or something.

Yeah, I don't think it's cool of her to add stress. I don't think you need to get really mad or anything, but maybe this is a good opportunity to stand up for yourself and say "listen biatch, I'm doing the best I can." I don't know why but she seems rather pushy. I've followed your posts on this board for about a year and think you've made major major changes, at least from your posts you seem to be in a much better place. Maybe she's just talking out of her butt.

Thanks, I think I have also, and thanks for following my posts, I have been in dark situations and not given up. I have not self harmed. I reach out to crisis when it gets out of hand. I admit a have defense mechanisms.

I just don't think it was appropriate of her telling me therapy isn't forever and , the comment about clients coming to therapy just to come because they feel comfortable in Thier misery. That comment I will address nov 12 th , I have to hold that till then. It irks me though that I have to use my session , to debate all of this.

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When professionals feel lik clients/students/patients aren't responding to what they have to offer, they frequently "blame" the client/student/patient. They don't think they are blaming. they think they are "telling it like it is" or being honest, or being curious. But most of the time it is blaming, so they can still feel good about their skills and competence. This doesn't mean they aren't a good teacher/therapist/doctor, jsut that they have difficlty if the client doesn't respond - they think they should, and do, know more than they know. The best professionals are curious when things aren't working.

Maybe I should just try harder, I don't know at this point if its me or if it's her. In the beginning when my old t transitioned me to her, she told me how much she looked foward to working wit me, she still does. She told me she was very qualified to work with trauma, and my old t told me the same about her.
This t told me we were going to take things at a comfortable pace, because we had alot to work on, that first we would work on building trust and connection.

For the first 4 months we saw each other weekly, then everything fell apart with the scheduling and the major stressors at home. At one point she was out sick , so I did not see her for one month and 4 days in the middle of my mess.

So of course now when she says therapy is not forever, two weeks ago, then last session came up with this, yes it's rubbing me the wrong way, I work hard at therapy. Yes I am insecure so I need reasurance from her. I ask her every now and then, if there's enough time to work together , because we have alot of work to do, that's when she said , yes there is time but THERAPY DOESN'T LAST FOREVER

The thing is, regardless of whether she is excellent with others or not, or if she is knowledgable or not, pressuring you to trust her and almost if not exactly shaming you when you do not seem to comply with her commands, would seem to me to be a bit of a hurdle in terms of her being the therapist for you.

You are absolutely correct, I suppose I'm viewing it as this is my 3 rd therapist . We do share art and music in common. I don't dislike her, but somewhere along the line connection or something was lost. I feel rushed into this so called process. I also feel since I didn't get a chance to finish with t1 or t2, that I'm being looked at as a slow client, or avoidant like she says, who can't finish therapy in a certain amount of time.

Have you had a chance to see if something was "up" , is she leaving for example? From reading your posts, it feels like something has shifted with her not you.

I asked her and she said she was not leaving. She did tell me , when my old t left , her and the other therapists in the building had to cover the slack, then a couple of months later another therapist left, so she said they became a bit overwhelmed by the extra caseload .im just very confused at this point.

I feel like giving her my c s a journal where everything is written down organized. Let her read it and then tell her to expedite the therapy.